My boss is very rude sometimes and gets defensive when I asks clarifying questions.

33 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 5:17PM UTC

   Have you asked her for examples of why she is confused? One thing I learned early in my career is the power of the open-ended question and how deadly a question with a yes/no answer can be.

2. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 6:37PM UTC

   She was very clear on what she was confused about and I understood what she was confused over. I asked her if she wanted it revised to ensure that’s what she wanted. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked her and just revised it. My issue is the attitude. I guess I should just ignore it, but I get annoyed cause I feel it’s uncalled for.

3. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 9:00PM UTC

   You're right, it is uncalled for. You're also right, perhaps just fixing it and turning it back in would have been enough. Perhaps she thought the revision question was unnecessary. At least she gave you what she thought was confusing. I had one who told me to "fix" it. When I asked her what she was looking for all she said was, "I really can't tell you, but I'll know it when I see it." If this wasn't just a one-off thing, but part of the way she operates it is doubtful that this will change.

4. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 5:32PM UTC

   WOW! "I know it when I'll see it" It always makes me wonder how these people got promoted in the first place.

5. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 5:31PM UTC

   The attitude is uncalled for, but you've got to be the bigger person. I'm dealing with a similar situation where I have said to my boss "You don't get to speak to me like that". Otherwise I don't retaliate or take it personal. Things have gotten better, but I do plan on leaving the company at a later time. In the meantime, I don't react to the attitude. That's what they want. They want to start conflict so they have reasons to reprimand. Don't give them that satisfaction.

6. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 6:40PM UTC

   It's been my experience that many bosses who think they are clear are not. These same people tend to get nasty when their directions or instructions (generally not fully communicated in the first place) are not followed to perfection. Your boss sounds like an unpleasant person to work for. You may ask her, how would you have gone about this?

7. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 8:55PM UTC

   I have to ask for clarification all the time. My boss is trapped under a boss (CEO) who can’t stop iterating and changing direction. So, my boss doesn’t know what he wants. He sends me down pathways where I create very detailed work and then changes direction and I have to start over. It’s so frustrating.

   I think I would have just revised it and given it to her.

   And the attitude- is it a constant, I’d maybe say something about you are looking for clarification so you can give her what she wants. I tend to put things like this in writing.

   If she continues to be rude you could go to HR, or look for something else. It’s not worth the stress or feeling like crap for being mistreated. There’s plenty of places and people where you’ll be appreciated.

8. Regina BrownSeptember 28,2023 at 10:32PM UTC

   At the end of the day, follow up in writing (i.e.. email), so that you have a CLEAR AND CONCISE understanding and in writing of what she needs.

9. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 1:13PM UTC

   I am sorry. I don’t have a solution to propose. I’ve worked for 2 such bosses recently. I would even (secretly) record our conversations, make the edits to my work, (secretly) have a co-worker (who my boss liked) review everything. And when I would present my edited work to my boss, she would say No! This is not what I asked you to do. And she would make me feel awful and further confuse us both.

   we only lasted 2 years together.

   My advice is that your boss’ behavior won’t change so you have to decide that you want to do, what’s best for you.

10. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 1:21PM UTC

    You can't control her.

    One thing you can do is repeat instructions back to her if she delivers them verbally. She probably has no idea how to break things down into small steps (perhaps an "N" or "P" in Myers-Briggs typology).

    I'm a little confused by your post - she's confused by your work product? Or you're confused about her instructions?

11. CEJNYCSeptember 30,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

    Instead of repeating her instruction verbally, write up a paragraph to confirm the scope of the assignment. Tell her you want to get it right and not miss anything.

12. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 8:18PM UTC

    I just got done working with a boss like this. It took me a while to realize that the reason she couldn't give clarification is because she isn't competent in her role. She would respond with anger, disappointment and gaslighting. There was no winning for me with that one. When a supervisor can't provide meaningful feedback or guidance, that's on them. Not you. You need to decide what's best and what you can tolerate.

13. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

    Agreed! I work with someone just like this, truly a narcissist. I've had to evaluate what to do and how to move forward in this environment. I don't have a supportive administration, as I work in academia. If I wish to stay in this job, I must not take the attacks personally. I know that's not always easy to do.

14. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 5:26PM UTC

    My boss often responds in anger or in accusatory nature. I finally realized it's because they don't pay attention (or read my emails) therefor they react in a defensive way instead of with curiosity. The best way I've dealt with it is to not take it personal and set boundaries for myself. I do plan on leaving the company eventually as I don't see how I can grow with such a negative leader. But in the meantime I just get everything in writing.

15. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 12:13PM UTC

    You do the best you can at work. As long as no one dies or is injured then you did a good job. Nobody is a mind reader so they can't expect perfection. Keep doing your best and seek validation in the results.

16. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 12:40PM UTC

    It's very simple. Your boss is an asshole. Find a better boss at a better company that doesn't tolerate that type of draconian behavior.

17. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 12:41PM UTC

    You read into the OP that she revised her work.

    She didn't say she revised the work. She only asked her boss whether she should.

    The harsh tone of your response was condescending and unwarranted.

18. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 12:42PM UTC

    I would just look for another job. You don’t need the stress of that kind of environment much less a supervisor with an unprofessional attitude! NO job is worth that!

19. Summer RitnerSeptember 30,2023 at 12:47PM UTC

    Lots of good advice in this thread. Something I've learned, and appreciate when others ask, is to ask your boss , "What does success on this project look like to you?" Or "What does done look like through your lens?"

20. AnonymousOctober 30,2023 at 7:37PM UTC

    really good advice, chances are the boss wont be able to answer because they don't even know, just interested in giving people a hard time.

21. Kimberly HubertSeptember 30,2023 at 3:11PM UTC

    I reported to a director like that who was an extremely bad communicator. My observation is that this manager doesn't provide clear instructions or expectations and does not know how to coach appropriately. Get everything in writing by following up in email. Something like this, " Based on our discussion today about X, You mentioned, Y. Z is how I will resolve it. I would welcome your input on how you would go about it." Keep a record of her habitual microagressions towards you and her lack of communication skills. Then go to HR with specific examples you have in writing via emails and ask for their help on how best to handle communicating with your manager. This way you are protecting yourself and documenting their behavior. In my experience, it's best to move on and find a role with a better leader. This person is not going to change.

22. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 1:08PM UTC

    Great advice! My experience is hr doesn’t do anything about it and tries to turn it on others.

23. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 9:31PM UTC

    I have a similar scenario from time to time depending on how stressed my boss is. I love the suggestions, getting things in writing is not always possible as instructions are fired of verbally quicker than what I can write them down. I guess I can confirm the instructions in writing though, seeking clarification. I am wondering when asked in a next role why I am moving on - one could say that there is a value misalignment - and if asked to elaborate on that - I would honestly not know what to say...as it is a feel ashamed about the fact that I am struggling to work in such an environment, I am also wondering what questions to ask in a next role to avoid this. I guess one can enquire about a leader's management and communication style and the organisational values.

24. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 5:20PM UTC

    I don't think you understood the point of this post at all! Maybe you should take your own advice "Talk less"

25. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 5:22PM UTC

    The OP wasn't being emotional, they're asking how to get clear and direct information.

26. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 6:36PM UTC

    Oh, for the love of all that is holy, don’t come in here mansplaining.

27. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 6:44PM UTC

    Did you READ what she wrote correctly? apparently not. She was talking about HER work. Her boss got defensive and was being rude and nasty. Why would an employee revise her manager’s work????

28. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 6:58PM UTC

    Ohhh noooo! Of course it wasn’t harsh……. Her boss could beat the crap out of her and , of course, its just “ criticism “ ! Its verbal abuse, lady! You’re either blind, a boss yourself or an ass kisser!

29. Ellyn Specker CharapSeptember 30,2023 at 11:27PM UTC

    I'm so glad you said this. I thought it was just me assessing them as the world's biggest A-holes!

30. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 1:04PM UTC

    I hear you!! I haven’t had a female boss for about 10 years. Although the guy I had took credit for my ideas and promotions. Recent new boss is female and awful. Ruthless and mean. Very selfish and has double-standards. Many other people see it too. Previous person that reported to her said she thinks the company is okay with managers being a jerk as long as they get things done.

31. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 3:01PM UTC

    Hot take: I think your boss is annoyed by you. Her comment about not understanding your work is a clear sign that you are not doing what is expected. I would have a 1:1 to review work responsibilities and expectations.

    Good luck !

32. AnonymousOctober 30,2023 at 7:35PM UTC

    I don't think its fair to say, "your boss is annoyed by you" that puts the entire dynamic on her - it's a two way street. My last boss was just like what you describe, he was a micromanager and did not take responsibility. Agree with others that this person ultimately won't change so start looking but try not to blame yourself because its not just you!

    Something that helped me was to repeat back what I heard my boss asking me so there were no miscommunications. Of course when I would repeat back what I heard he would still get frustrated and defensive - all of this will be further evidence that this person is a lousy communicator and possibly gaslighting. Hope this helps and good luck!

33. Kimberly AnneOctober 3,2023 at 1:08PM UTC

    Run