Feeling awful and hurt

25 Comments

1. AnonymousJanuary 24,2024 at 3:15PM UTC

   First, it's great that you are receiving and reflecting on this feedback from your reports. It's important for them to have a voice, but it's also important that you are respected as their leader. You said they report to the office and you are remote--are you close enough to go in and spend some time working on these transitions? If not, would the organization agree to bring you in for a period of time to build some trust and understanding with your team? Study up on adaptive leadership skills and "Daring Leadership." It sounds like you need a very open discussion with your team about how their feedback affected you and what you will do going forward. Also allow them to provide suggestions for improvements or work processes in the organization that you might have some influence over. Explain that you are open to their input, but that ultimately you have to make the decisions that go to YOUR leadership. You are right to reflect on their feedback, but be sure and filter those thoughts through a lens of objectivity. They are exerting some power in a subversive way by going above you rather than TO you. In turn, YOU are learning how to lead a new team from a remote position while they are in the office banding together. Take a deep breath, have some sincere conversations (Brene Brown says "Clear is kind; unclear is unkind."), and start again. You' got this! Good luck.

2. AnonymousJanuary 24,2024 at 3:50PM UTC

   How are they all in the office and you’re remote?

3. AnonymousJanuary 24,2024 at 3:54PM UTC

   I was hired remote a few states away and then RTO policy for office employees happened

4. AnonymousJanuary 24,2024 at 11:18PM UTC

   Quite frankly, I'd resent that A LOT if I were them. One company I interviewed with during the pandemic was all-in on remote but then mandated onsite for anyone within 50 miles of the office -- in the most blizzard-prone part of the state!

   The "local penalty" needs to die, NOW. Everywhere.

5. AnonymousJanuary 24,2024 at 5:42PM UTC

   Are you a new manager or just new to this team? You can rebound from this, but will take some work. That you are remote while your team is in the office isn't ideal (and maybe this causes some hurt feelings from them?) but can you maybe find a day or two each week to be in the office (not sure how far from the office you are)? Or maybe so many days a quarter? Does your employer provide any sort of first time manager training (too many don't to the detriment of the new manager)?

   Years ago, I worked with a manager on a PIP. At least one of his direct reports reported to his VP/director and us (HR) that this manager was a bully, unreasonable, etc. He had no idea this was how he was seen until we met with him about this. We worked with him on developing a plan to include working on his communication style and eventually we got past this, successfully. He is still at that company and is either an AVP or VP now.

6. AnonymousJanuary 24,2024 at 5:59PM UTC

   Don’t run, just have a frank honest talk with them. See what their complaints are , your not their best friend so why they feel you need to be super invested in their lives I’m not sure , but managers should not be best friends

   Try not two let it hurt you , you do t for instance that every single said was justified people interpret differently and it could be an interpretation issue

   you are now aware of some of teh issues but you can’t be paranoid and worried about every little thing with them , if you are then they will take full advantage of that ( most people would )

   just talk to them have a team meeting hear their side without hurt feelings and state your side without anger etc

   you feel you were empathetic with their situations but eta face it no one gets everything f they want your job is also to take after or company interests so see if what they say is true or not

7. AnonymousJanuary 24,2024 at 6:44PM UTC

   It’s great you’re listening to your team. But, some of the things you said are telling.

   You wish they would’ve shared this with you and sooner. This is an attempt at shifting the blame. If you create a closed environment for your team, you cannot expect them to come to you freely with difficult topics, especially about your performance. They are not here to train you to be a better manager, the balance of power is to you.

   I suppose, one on ones could be helpful, but it sounds like you want to learn more about them personally? I don’t think that would bode well with a team that doesn’t trust you and what is the necessity of that anyways when you’re in a very tenuous situation. My advice would be to focus on the task at hand, and not to engage in superficial conversation at this point in time.

   Honestly, it sounds like you’re not a very effective leader. You didn’t really rebuke what they were saying, that you yell, get frustrated and they don’t feel heard. If this is how you’re leading the team, this is about you less, not them. Yelling and getting frustrated with people is because you don’t trust yourself, you’re fearful or not open to the challenges of the role and you’re taking it out on them. A strong leader would be able to stay calm, seek help and guide.

   I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I’ve experienced managers and leaders like you and everything that you’re saying makes me pretty sure this is what’s going on.

   My advice is that you should be a professional, stick to business, don’t try to create a false, personal relationship with these people that don’t trust you. Try to reset the environment by being very open and letting them say what they need to say, and not retaliating against them. Seek guidance from your boss or a coach. It will make you a better manager whether you stay there, stay in that role or whether you move on. Take it as the learning experience it is.

8. AnonymousJanuary 25,2024 at 12:56PM UTC

   This is the best response, agree completely. The call is coming from inside the house for this OP.

9. AnonymousJanuary 24,2024 at 7:47PM UTC

   Sounds like this situation is a bit out of control and that you may be a new manager and not too experienced. Do you have a boss that can help guide you though this or at least a sounding board for your rebound plan?

   I think you need to do a reset with the team by listening to their feedback and needs as step 1. I wouldn’t be open and just take the information in.

   Step 2, I would then formulate your response/plan and perhaps you run it by a peer or your boss if they’re helping you with this. You may uncover things at this point like I noticed that I would get frustrated when I felt like things weren’t getting done as I expected, but I discovered that I wasn’t communicating expectations adequately. I’m sure you’ll uncover uncomfortable things here but you need to be open to it.

   I would then get back with the team and talk about what you found out, I would keep it short and factual, and ask for their feedback on this, whether at that moment, or they can think about it, and you guys can get back together.

   And on until people all feel good about where things landed. I also think a benefit of this kind of process would be that you’ll get to know more about your team without having to go to this personal level that you described.

   Good luck and I would stay open to the experience.

10. AnonymousJanuary 25,2024 at 7:22AM UTC

    I recommend LinkedIn certifications on management and/or find other training & coaching

11. AnonymousJanuary 26,2024 at 4:40PM UTC

    Yes, OP needs training and coaching for somewhere/someone.

12. Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career CoachJanuary 25,2024 at 12:45PM UTC

    I think you sound like a great manager for taking the feedback to heart and acknowledging where you may have fallen short.
    The easy thing would be to move on, but the hard (and I think lifechanging option) would be to stay with full personal responsibility and make it better. You'll be a manager for it and it will impact you further down in your career. You know what they said about you, but I think you will gain respect by staying and making things better.

13. Kimberley Ferretti HammettJanuary 25,2024 at 3:50PM UTC

    I agree. It would be very difficult, but it could not only change your, but their lives as well if done well. You would have to gain their trust but it may open everyone up to a more human side of work and leadership.

    I would suggest asking for an open conversation, and instead of expressing any disappointment that it wasn't brought up sooner, display your appreciation for it coming to light now and that you are capable of taking this type of feedback in-the-moment if they are up to it so you can see what they are seeing.

    Try to gather in that conversation changes that they would like to see that would repair the trust and build on your relationships. Ask them what success looks like for you in being a good manager in their eyes. This helps to show them that you are committed to this, it gives you a roadmap of how you can improve things, and in a few months, if you can show that you've implemented these things, they have clear markers to show "oh ok, they are working on what we said." If they are still upset, they may have left things unsaid.

    I think it's also ok to be honest and admit that it hurt your ego a bit. Not to make it a "woe is me" moment but just an honest moment that says "I'm not going to say I don't take it personally, because I do feel disappointment. But that is mostly in myself and not you all". If you are comfortable doing so.

    I think after the conversation and some headway is made, you could also benefit from a group DiSC or Clifton Strengths Session. These assessments show the different ways in which you communicate or think and emphasizes that all are valuable and valid, and also, we can all adjust our approaches and be more understanding that we think and speak differently.

    Good luck! I know this is a difficult time now, but you are in an uncomfortable process of growing. I look back at some of my most "embarassing" times as such big milestones before I made really great strides. And the people that face these and turn things around are often stronger than those who don't have these moments! I hope you are feeling positive momentum soon!

14. Cindy GloverJanuary 25,2024 at 2:16PM UTC

    Record

15. AnonymousJanuary 25,2024 at 3:37PM UTC

    Record what?

16. KellyW43January 25,2024 at 3:47PM UTC

    Start recording your meetings and play them back after so you can see how you act and react in certain situations.

    Also, before your next meeting, practice responses to different situations so you can use them to your advantage.

    If you find you are yelling at them, then apologize, let them know you will do better and move on. If you aren't yelling at them, send the recordings to your supervisor and take it from there.

17. AnonymousJanuary 26,2024 at 4:39PM UTC

    Recording people is crossing a line, maybe not legally but definitely in the area of building trust. Why can this person not understand in the moment or upon reflection? Or have a trusted colleague attend a few meetings to gauge and give honest feedback. OP can have their boss sit in a few appropriate meetings. I've also worked at a company where a professional mediator was brought in. Recording people, and especially with the notion of sending them to your boss is wild. I always think de-escalation is the best approach, escalation usually ends up making things much worse.

18. JJJanuary 26,2024 at 3:38AM UTC

    I say leave if you can. It is going to be almost impossible to overcome this. Any future issues will always be blamed on you and now you have opened the door for harassment. Also, maybe therapy to see what you might be dealing with. True yelling, if accurate, is highly maladaptive and fairly rare in work and social situations. For it to happen repeatedly is cause for concern, especially since you seem so surprised by all of this. I would not support you as my manager if that is how you treated me. Your team is not going to recover. This is super hard but you can learn and grow.

19. Chris GulichJanuary 26,2024 at 12:07PM UTC

    Ok

20. AnonymousJanuary 26,2024 at 1:24PM UTC

    Are you new to this company, or was this a promotion? This might have something to do with it.

21. Elizabyth HarringtonJanuary 26,2024 at 1:29PM UTC

    Okay I don’t know you and I haven’t been around your team, but I’m hearing a couple of things here. First, you are a new manager. Second, your team went behind your back and says they don’t feel heard and that you get frustrated easily. Third, while you say you are empathetic, it’s not coming off to your team as authentic.

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you are a little insecure in your new position and it’s translating to your team (perhaps not intentionally) as a trust issue. They obviously don’t feel safe and while I am quite sure you don’t mean this, nevertheless less, the unspoken message you are sending out is that you don’t trust them to do a good job. This will manifest in a lot of tiny little things that are meant as good intentions, so this is not about you being a bad person. For example, delegating requires a lot of trust and it’s one of the biggest mindset changes when going into management. And sure, it’s easy to say, “yeah I have no problem assigning work.” However, how much freedom do you give your team to complete an assignment in their way (which may not be your way)? Do you find yourself being prescriptive in how the job is done and correcting their work? As a manager, you have to be willing to accept things that don’t necessarily reflect your style. You have to be able to tell people how to fix a problem rather than fixing it yourself because it would be faster and easier. In short, you need to be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable and not the subject matter expert on the team. This is the first way to build trust with your team.

    Second, let’s talk about the “insincerity” of your personal relationship building with your team. This reminds me of a manager I had once. She was super sweet and would ask about my family, etc. etc., and always ended our 1:1’s with “I appreciate you.” Yet it never felt sincere, because she didn’t appear to value anything I brought to the table. She was so insecure about her own position that she wouldn’t consider any ideas or acknowledge any feedback I had that might have helped the project. She also demanded that her subordinates “prove” their loyalty to her before she would trust them. Her actions strengthened my feelings that she didn’t value me in a way that no amount of light chit-chat and asking about my family could overcome. Our working relationship was toxic, even though I don’t think she meant it and I still think we’d be really good friends if I hadn’t been her direct report. I’m not saying you are this manager, but take a look at the unspoken messages that your actions send, even if you are saying the exact opposite.

    I am the first to admit I’m an introvert and don’t do small talk well, so it takes a bit for me to establish a good friendly rapport with my team and get them to open up. However, I also go into every new team situation by asking questions (sometimes really dumb ones) and establishing almost immediately that THEY are the subject matter experts, not me. That sends the message that I trust them and goes a long way to creating a safe space for my team to share ideas and collaborate.

    I also don’t micromanage. I give out clear instructions that include a description of what I am looking for, a definition of done and a timeline. Those seem like common sense elements, but it’s amazing how often one (or more) of those three components is lacking. Then I ask them if they have any questions and then leave them alone until the due date. When I get it back, if it’s close enough, then great. If it’s not, I go over it with the team member, let them know what needs to be fixed and then let them make the changes themselves. It might take a bit more time, but that action sends the message that I trust them to do the job, and if it’s not perfect, to fix and learn from the experience.

    Making that leap from individual contributor to manager is an exciting change. You already demonstrate the self awareness that will mgmt you far once you overcome this little speedbump. Don’t give up and good luck!

22. AnonymousJanuary 26,2024 at 11:22PM UTC

    I have a new boss like how they described you.
    I think by staying calm and actively listening to your team as I feel they are trying to tell you something you’re not really hearing. My boss is very poor listener and she talks to us like we’re her naughty children and scolds and is demanding. I think she doesn’t see it that way, but that is how she comes across. Self awareness goes along way, but I see you are trying since you posted here for advice. Give yourself grace as well as your team. However, put your ego aside and take responsibility for any poor treatment of your team. Try to work it out and ask them how you can support them better, listen to their ideas and apologize when you offend. This will go a long way for you and your relationship with the team.

23. AnonymousJanuary 27,2024 at 3:07PM UTC

    There is a lot of good advice here. After reading through them, one person suggested you record your meetings and play them back. This is an excellent idea, but before you do, let everyone know that the meeting will be recorded and why you are doing it as part of your self-awareness disclosure. Make sure nobody objects. This is a good idea because we don't know how we come across through the remote platform (most commonly Zoom or Teams). If your speakers are low, you likely raise your voice, which may be why they think you are shouting/yelling at them. Facial expressions are another thing. An eye roll can say tons more than anything you speak, even if you were responding to your cat or dog (or child or anything else off camera) when you did it. Are there any other "body language" signals you may be unaware of that you are sending? When you review the recording, do it from the perspective of being a participant in the meeting rather than the leader.

    Since you are fully remote, is there any option for you to schedule a meeting where you are onsite with your team? This can help explain the accidental "quirks" they take as negative feedback. No matter how good the connection is, a virtual meeting differs from an in-person one. I have been in meetings with presenters who made me "seasick" because they either had a laptop on their lap or were holding a tablet or phone, and their image kept moving. You know what's happening around you, but all they see is what the camera captures.

24. AnonymousJanuary 28,2024 at 2:19AM UTC

    Soft skills are as important as hard skills for a manager.

    You are describing a lack of professionalism on your part, particularly if you don't even understand how such a "mutiny" could happen and why people even didn't dare to tell you before reporting you.

    I'd suggest you ask for a relevant training on skills with people. You might also need to get help for anxiety on your own, which is generally the root of an authoritarian behavior justified by good intentions.
    For your information, being nice between bullying moments is even worse than plain strictness, it makes people mad, feeling manipulated like kids.

    These kinds of issues negatively impact individual and team work effectiveness.

    Anyway, congrats for you self-reflection and for your desire to become a better person to work with.

25. AnonymousFebruary 1,2024 at 2:01AM UTC

    To be reasonable, the OP was there only 4 months. The perspectives of others sounds over critical. What proof do they have that the OP is just “going through the motions”. We can’t read the minds of others, therefore it’s unwise to judge someone based on looks or how we THINK they look.