My direct supervisor is a lousy manager.

Anonymous

September 4,2023 at 3:31PM UTC

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My direct supervisor is a lousy manager. It is mind-boggling to me how he is an executive of a Fortune 250 company and has no empathy, no regarding for feelings, and no social skills. I have worked for him for 1.5 years and he has made no effort to get to know me on a human level. He also doesn’t understand the full scope of work i am responsible for. I have tried to highlight major efforts under me and he is dismissive. He also has misogynist tendencies and talks over / interrupts me and he doesn't make any effort to recognize my work or that if my team. I have reported him to HR who has also witnessed his behavior. They often dismiss it or say something like, "it is how he is." I am very happy with my job duties, and love my tram. I feel fulfilled in the work I do but reporting to him is impacting my mental health. I need advice on what else i can do.

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AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 4:24PM UTC
Some people simply don't care and don't belong in management. No job is perfect
If you love what you do, change what you can and accept the rest as "as-is"
If I had better advice, of use it on myself and write a book!
Accept he will NEVER change, do your job, DOCUMENT your day's accomplishments and reasons for any setbacks and go home
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 4:25PM UTC
Hang in there! He won't last. He will be gone quite soon. There is no way they will keep him when the word gets out how poorly he performs. He just doesn't care and does the bare minimum to get by. This won't serve him well in the long term.
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 4:34PM UTC
Depends on where he works. I've been at places where poor employees are treated like gold and the hard workers and those that get their hands dirty are replaced
Barb HansenSeptember 4,2023 at 5:38PM UTC
I'm sorry you have to deal with a horrible manager.
Early in my career, I worked under a horrible boss, and like you I love my job and the people I worked with. I could not comprehend how this woman got and kept her job - she was flat out mean, vindicative and to make matters worse, she was only mean and vindicative to the women who reported to her. She was wonderful to the men on the team. go figure!
Here are the changes I made so I could continue to work for this person:
-- I told myself that their actions had nothing to do with my work performance (which was true b/c this person was mean to every woman that worked under her)
-- their actions and behavior is a them-problem and not a me-problem
-- I started to view them as a pathetic person although I still treated them with the appropriate deference required by an employee-manager relationship
-- When they yelled or treated me poorly, I literally ignored their tone and their words. They yelled or spoke to me like I was an idiot, I listened and then calmly asked my next question. This tactic worked really well for me as this manager eventually stopped picking on me might I put down to the fact that I wasn't reacting to her words anymore.
-- I kept a record all of my achievements so when this person left and a new manager was hired, I would present myself properly to that new manager
-- I volunteered for inter-team projects so I would interact with hopefully good managers from other teams in the company
-- I found an unofficial mentor in another department who helped me with career advancement questions that I had.
It's unfortunate that people are hired as managers and then are promoted into higher management roles who have no business being a manager (it's not rocket science to be a good manager, it's a learned skill - take a darn management class!).
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 6:20PM UTC
Wonderful advice!! I'm not the OP yet.... and you are right, some people are simply jerks and feel that the only way to climb the ladder is to be a bully.
Some simply cannot manage; they make up the rules as they go along. Literally, DAILY. Unfortunately, no management course will be an asset to their "I know it all" ego
I keep records DAILY of what I accomplished and reasons why I didn't (ie waiting on Jane as I reached out yesterday and today)
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 2:28PM UTC
I am not the OP, but that last paragraph is something that I have told close friends in similar situations.
I have seen some people get promoted to management simply because they were long-term personal friends with the decision makers or because they always went out for drinks with certain people.
The advice that you shared is key for both career survival and advancement.
Tova LevineSeptember 4,2023 at 5:50PM UTC
why is this like every male business owner...
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 6:15PM UTC
Sometimes female supervisors are equally...or more vicious
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 9:23PM UTC
"He's just that way" or anything like it is a legitimately toxic statement. It is an excuse and shows that the party speaking is an apologist and an enabler. Unfortunately for them, they get held accountable for this when the hammers fall. Sexism, especially, has a heavy hammer. They should be a lot more careful instead of making these kinds of dismissive statements.
Short of going to the HR department, you can contact your local EEOC about this. They don't take it lightly.
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 12:34PM UTC
Honestly, it will not get better and it won't change. HR will not help you, because HR is designed to protect the company and its executives, never the employee. They have already proven to you that they won't take action and excuse his behavior.
Also, as crappy as it may sound, filing complaints about sexism usually end up with punishment to the employee filing, never the exec, so be careful what you tell HR!
The way that I see it (and I do speak from experience), you have only two options. Either you take the abuse or you quit and leave. There is no middle ground here.
Over the years, I and many other women I know, have been in this position and we all lost. While some of us filed class action suits, we still lost. Not a single woman I know has ever won the fight against a toxic, sexist exec.
Diana SchneidmanSeptember 5,2023 at 1:30PM UTC
Yes, he sounds like a jerk, but has he done anything concrete like put you on a PIP? If not, what are you looking for HR to do? Transform him into a nice guy with a warm personality?
asmith13September 5,2023 at 6:25PM UTC
lol-exactly what I was thinking.
But I swear, every time I go on this page there's that one person saying "don't trust HR" and "HR is only there to protect the company" which is complete and total BS.
This guy sounds like a jerk but being a jerk is not illegal, necessarily. I am guessing HR didn't have anything to truly "act" on at this point and that is why nothing was done. I agree with the skip level manager angle and maybe that manager can have the jerk guy's manager address this from an "employee perception" angle rather than harassment.
None of this may do much of anything, but do you really want to work somewhere where guys like this are your boss?
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 1:01PM UTC
I could have written this myself. Literally going through this now.
It sounds like he is not the CEO. He must have a boss. Go to his boss. File an ethics complaint. Ignore HR. Find out if he's doing to to other women. If you tell them you already went to HR, they are more likely to come forward. Eventually HR will have to do something if there are enough complaints. Go to the EEOC and tell them what HR said, but get a lawyer before you do that.
agirlhasnonameSeptember 5,2023 at 1:03PM UTC
Where you are going to get him is by pointing out everywhere where he is failing in his job. Not how he treats you, but in not meeting his objectives. If you can show he's objectively incompetent, they will do something.
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 1:38PM UTC
To go to EEOC, you will definitely need to have rock solid documentation around "misogynist tendencies." It can be tough to prove unless you have clearly discriminatory comments from him in writing or recorded or witnesses willing to go on record, and even then nothing concrete may be done.
April LineSeptember 5,2023 at 1:32PM UTC
Seconding all the comments, but especially the one where you have 2 options: put up with it or move on.
Putting up with it is going to be a lot of emotional labor that will not help if your mental health is already suffering.
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 1:33PM UTC
If you already reported to HR and they dismissed it, you could attempt going to your skip level manager but I'm not optimistic that's going to have an positive result for you. Your best options are to use your credibility at the firm and get an internal transfer to a different team, or else start looking externally.
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 2:24PM UTC
I have literally worked for the same type of person. He was part of the C-Suite and despite HR being aware of the situation, it was clear he was more important than me. After 2 years of working for him and desperately trying to fix the situation the impact on both my mental and eventually physical health caused me to eventually leave. This was without another job lined up and full support of my husband who'd been watching this all through the pandemic while I was working from home.
My advice is don't wait until it gets really bad. It won't ever get better unless your manager is also interested in fixing the situation, and it does not seem like the case. Note: My manager was fired 4 months after I left, but I still don't regret leaving when I did. It was what I needed for my own mental well-being.
Rosa GoesSeptember 5,2023 at 3:24PM UTC
I agree with others in looking for another job. Place your focus and energy in doing so. The rewards will be far greater than dealing with your boss.
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 6:55PM UTC
As a member of the lousy boss club, this is my conclusion...if the company allows it to continue, the company supports the behavior and the perpetrator. It is wrong, and it is unfair.
I am smiling and nodding and doing what I need to do to get by until I find something better. I have waited out bad managers in the past and watched in horror as their replacements were more monsterous. Sadly, you cannot make a company see your value when they make it crystal clear they value these miserable cronies more than the talents of the people they abuse,
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 9:26PM UTC
It's how he is.
He may be neurodiverse.
Learn to accept it, find others who can care about you on a personal level (bosses aren't required to do that), and if your raises don't depend on him being 100% informed, let it go.
As for being interrupted, watch to see if he does it to others. He could just have ADHD or be from a more fast-paced culture. If it's really sexism, make notes and try to say your point first before anything else to get it in.
Good luck. If you like the job, then you're pretty lucky. You just need to lower your expectations for one person, which is do-able.
AnonymousSeptember 6,2023 at 1:13AM UTC
Is there any way you can transfer to another department with a different boss?
Rebecca MillikenSeptember 6,2023 at 1:17AM UTC
If HR says "That's how he is" they are not going to help you. If he has been there a long time, chances are he's not going anywhere. So your choice is either embrace the good parts of your job and ignore him or move on.
I have had many jobs and I would venture to say that the only bosses who understood the scope and amount of work I did were those who had actually done it. Most of the others downplayed or underestimated my work. I didn't like it, but nothing I was going to do or say would have changed it because they need to believe they are more important than someone under them.
I would stop reporting to HR because they don't care and will start to see you as the problem.In the past, I've seen the bosses move on, either fired or promoted or transferred. Sometimes they don't. You take it as long as you can then you decide to move on.
Chrissy DivineSeptember 6,2023 at 2:12PM UTC
Very good advice. I found myself in a similar situation and after all the reporting they saw me as the problem. I resigned and got another job
AnonymousSeptember 6,2023 at 3:23AM UTC
My current situation exactly. I am looking for something else, but so far nothing better has come along. In the meantime, I got to know him a little better, learned his style and what communication works best, so it has become easier. It is still not good, I do not feel appreciated, my confidence has gone down. The pay is good, this is why I am not yet rushing out, but I have updated my resume and told my network to let me know if something comes along. You will not change him.
AnonymousSeptember 6,2023 at 12:04PM UTC
Have you talked to him about his style? This is something you can do.
Donna ColeSeptember 6,2023 at 12:14PM UTC
Ask HR to do some Disc training . It is a program that helps people work with different personalities based on a test.
Valerie RiegerSeptember 6,2023 at 1:06PM UTC
It sounds like you need something that your boss isn't willing/able to give you. It doesn't mean that he's doing something wrong, it means that you need something different. I would suggest scheduling some time to talk with him about his communication and interaction preferences. If he's unable to communicate that or if he prefers a style that is counter what you need/can provide you might want to find a job that better suits you.
AnonymousSeptember 6,2023 at 3:02PM UTC
Putting energy into wanting your boss to like you in a personal level is a fool’s errand. Focus on having them respect your work. If that’s not possible then look for an alternative.
AnonymousSeptember 6,2023 at 4:42PM UTC
I am currently in the same situation. The HR is "investigating" at the moment. The only difference is that the highest level person in the chain knew about this issue and she didn't take any action because she is a weak leader and she basically told me that she is scared to move me to a different team and has fear of losing me as the business advantage. I told her that either way you are going to lose me so stop using me. Been months now and nothing has changed. Mental health is in trouble and job market is crazy at the moment. Dilemma Dilemma! Sorry I am not being helpful but just want you to know that you keep trying your best and don't blame yourself because it was never you.
AnonymousSeptember 6,2023 at 8:06PM UTC
I'm going to gave to disagree with the first paragraph. If this guy is an exec, then OP is pretty high up too. That means replacing her is going to be costly. I know at my company, to replace a mid-level individual contributor costs $200k let alone a manager. That's just the person in the role. Doesn't include all the lost knowledge and progress that will have stalled. That could be millions. This guy does this enough and he'll be considered a liability not an asset, especially if she tells the other women in her network to steer clear of him and this company.
OP you need to stick up for yourself. I'd start will calling him out publicly when he interrupts you. "I don't appreciate being interrupted" should send the message. Maintain eye contact, the countenance of a serial killer, and establish dominance. Let him know you're not taking his shit. You're already on the verge of leaving, so what do you have to lose?
Christine JacquesSeptember 6,2023 at 10:06PM UTC
Find another job.
Guadalupe DiazSeptember 6,2023 at 10:56PM UTC
This is harsh but so very true.
Jackie RukaSeptember 7,2023 at 7:35PM UTC
So sorry you are experiencing this dilemma. Sounds like HR is not going to do much. i had a similar problenm, so I found a position within my company at the time and applies. I got the role and moved on from that manager , it was the best decision I ever made. Be proactive and look out for you. It's time to do what you want to do !