Worries about performance at current job could affect job search?

Worries about performance at current job could affect job search?

Hello all, I joined the professional workforce as an engineer after graduating from uni in 2021. Since then I started my current position 2022. It has been a struggle for me, when I began the position, my mental health was at its worse, I was experiencing high levels of anxiety and recovering from depression prior to starting the job . Starting my first major job in this state brought a lot of pressure on me, but I needed to work because I had to start repaying my loans and such.

when I started work, I didn’t have the best expereince with my manager. She thought (during the 90 day probation) that often times I looked bored ( when that was not the case), when in all actuality I was dealing with anxiety and was pretty overwhelmed by how to tackle things. I would sit at my desk and look at the screen thinking how to start things and just trying to deal with all the thoughts and feelings I had. But I did work on what I needed to do, but my manager thought I was bored and This increased my anxiety levels more, becuase she thought I was not a good worker or I didn’t care. I also put pressure on myself to do a good job and impress my manager but all this just lead to more and more anxiety. I felt like I needed to overcompensate because she saw me as a bad worker. I didn’t think she wanted me in the team because she would make comments about how I was a better fit elsewhere. She often times asked me if I was bored, and I wasn’t at the time, I was just trying to work through the anxiety I dealt with.

This is my first time working in a corporate environment and I didn’t know what to do. There was another incident I had, where a male coworker thought I had an interest in him, since we kept making eye contact accidentally. I didn’t have any interest in him and the eye contact was completely accidental. Whenever I stood up from my desk I usually just looked around, and he was in my line of site. I also made it a point when I started to make eye contact with the people I walk past just to acknowledge them ( I didn’t want them to think I was ignoring them). I wanted to make sure I left a good impression on my colleagues, especially when I started. But I belive he took this the wrong way, and since then colleagues on my team distanced themselves some me for while. They didn’t want to sit by me or talk to me.

when all this happened in increased my anxiety and depression levels to the point I was extremely depressed and suicidal. I got admitted into the ER and had to take a few days off work. The psychiatrist wanted me to go into an inpatient facility and take a medical leave. I felt like it would look bad on me if I did that right after I started my job.

I took a few days off and came back. In retrospect, I should have taken the time off to heal. I just was not making the best decision at the time.

since then it’s been a struggle for me. I was afraid to apply for new jobs because I didn’t know what I was interested in. And I was afraid of going into a new position and experiencing the same things. I dealt with depression and anxiety for over a year since I started the job. It did affect my work performance. I did try to get my work done but it took so much out of me to do it. There came a point where I was just so burnt out and didn’t have the energy to continue. I took vacation days thinking it would help but I still felt the same.

my experience here has been difficult, and I’ve been looking at and applying for other jobs. But I’m afraid my current employer will use my performance against me. There were times I was just so exhausted and burnt out I didn’t give my best effort. I notice that my manager and director don’t acknowledge me and I can sense want me gone.

i know the work that I can do and I enjoy doing a good job. It’s just been exhausting for me over the past year and some months and I’ve been trying to go in there each day and try to do my best. I have started counseling and taking better care of myself which has helped me a ton. And my relationship with some of my colleagues has became a bit better.I still wake up constantly each morning with anxiety about work over a year and some months into the job. But my fear is that my current employer will use my performance here to stop me from getting another job.

these past few weeks have been particularly overwhelming and I’ve cried many times. I feel stuck because of my performance. Even though I never had a direct conversation about it, I can tell that I’m just not wanted there anymore.

I take pride in my work, but I’m afraid of my performance here ruining my career. I hate myself and all that I’ve done. I just don’t know what to do. This was never my intention in not giving my best, my mental health was not in the best place.