I’ve been told twice from two different people at two different jobs that I have a grumpy face.

40 Comments

1. AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 8:48PM UTC

   You don't need to fix it. Their issue not yours.

2. AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 9:28PM UTC

   On the reality show, Below Deck, I remember that there was a head steward who coined the phrase "Bitchy Resting Face" or BRF (she was hilarious) and I thought, finally I have a name for my face!

3. AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 9:30PM UTC

   YES!!!!!! Resting Bitch Face. I loved her.

4. AnonymousJuly 28,2023 at 1:31PM UTC

   "Resting Bitch Face" has been a phrase long before Below Deck ever started. LOL

5. Heather (she/her)July 28,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

   This has the same vibe as tone policing or asking women to smile more. You don't owe someone what they perceive as a pleasant resting face, and it's super weird (and rude) that they are telling you about your "grumpy" face. There's nothing for you to fix. I'd just say, oh that's just my focus face and brush it off.

6. AnonymousJuly 28,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

   Someone once said that to me, and I looked them dead in the eye and pulled a (slightly paraphrased) line from one of my favorite books:

   "It's my face. It covers the front of my head, and that's all I can really ask of it."

   But seriously, wtf? As long as you're a kind human who does their job, why does it matter if you've got RBF?

7. AnonymousJuly 28,2023 at 1:34PM UTC

   I've been told the same thing, in addition that I need to "smile more" (once by my boss who I really liked but did not like that). I usually make a joke out of it - that's just my face. I get a double shot of it since both my parents have RBF too. I've also been told that I come off as intimidating to people who don't know me when I feel like the least intimidating person ever. You don't need to fix it, it's just your face. Just try to be aware that you may come off as more cold or severe and it will take people time to get to know you to realize you aren't like that.

8. AnonymousJuly 28,2023 at 5:27PM UTC

   I've gotten this often and honestly don't know how to fix it either. I have been told that my voice speaks, but my face screams (i.e., my face is louder than my voice. On the plus side, people know when they have made me mad. I never have to say anything because they usually ask, and that diffuses the conversation before it starts.

9. AnonymousJuly 28,2023 at 8:49PM UTC

   You seem to have an awareness of where these comments are coming from, and you even acknowledge understanding that people are off-put by your intensity and stares "looking through people."

   You have a couple of options in my mind. You've heard about two different situations where this grumpy face has sunk a job opportunity. Fair? Prob not but someone else got the position. You could also take steps to adjust your demeanor by practicing in the mirror or making tweaks to your executive presence. People shouldn't be expected to just deal with it.

   You're handicapped in interviews because no one has the benefit of knowing your scowl or you needing a few mins to get back to them. You can continue on this path, expecting people to read your facial expressions and emotions, but your outcome will likely be the same. None of these interviewers are invested in you so you'll continue to get passed over.

   Might also be time to revisit the discussion with your husband about plastic surgery if this is of interest to you. He's not granting you permission? There's a lot to unpack in this statement. You're a grown woman and if you genuinely want to explore this option, I hope you'll be able to without retribution.

   Best of luck in your next steps.

10. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 4:20AM UTC

    I feel your pain!!! My ex-husband used to tell me that all the time (he was the only one, BTW). He told me that I intimidated everyone around me, but all my friends told me he was full of it. They tell me, "Your face is your face, and we love it".

    I just turned 60. I have frown lines between my brows from concentrating when I read, work at the computer, create art, or work on a project. I have marionette lines from resting b**ch face (genetics). I wore bangs to hide the frown lines for 40 years and tried every cream on the market to minimize the mouth lines. I spent hours and hours on plastic surgery sites. But then, I found a better (and cheaper) solution for ME. Not saying you should do this, but I divorced my husband.

    Now, I'm letting my hair go naturally gray. I'm growing out my bangs and started wearing them up away from my face (scary!). When I lost a little weight, the marionette lines became less visible because one of the first places you lose weight is in your face. I force myself to look in the mirror every day and accept that those lines are badges of proof that I survived an unhappy, narcisisstic marriage and that my intensity creates beautiful things and puts out a good work product. I also know that my smile can light up a room because my friends say so, and I have the dimples to prove it. These days, I walk around with my head up and I smile at everyone. They all smile back. Your co-workers, friends, and family know your face and love it. If some stranger has the balls to comment on your intensity, then come up with a response like, "I'm planning world domination" or something silly like that. Embrace your intensity, wear those lines with pride. I can't see your face, but I know I love it already.

11. Marcia SmithJuly 29,2023 at 2:52PM UTC

    I love everything about this post. It shows true spirit and girl power 100%.

12. AnonymousAugust 7,2023 at 1:00PM UTC

    Thank you! I love this! Girl power!

13. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 12:18PM UTC

    You do you. But if you really want to fix it you need to fix yourself. Smile more and fake it till ya make it.

    you obviously don’t have to change a thing. But if you are looking to make a change you have to consciously focus on how you appear on the outside.

    if there is something bothering you, it’s likely showing right through. Focus on fixing that.

14. RenataJuly 29,2023 at 12:22PM UTC

    This brought a smile to my face because I have been told I have a resting bitch look and I am intimidating. To be fiar I am 6ft and certainly don't have 32-22-32 look.

    Having said that, I realised that whether we like it or not people judge (rightly or wrongly so)

    Nowyou can take the position that "its their problem not mine" OR you could actively persue ways of coming across less prickly (intense) and present a more relaxed and personable energy.

    Given that this feedback has come from 2 independent sources it might be worth considering softening your body language to start with. Also try wearing softer, colours perhaps experiment with classy prints or florals when going for interviews.Thes tend to present a friendly, light image rather than the power dress colours - these really intensify that grumpy energy.

    Remember your brand is what speaks before you do so decide what you want your brand to say about you. If you want people to see that you're a nice person then show them that by what you wear and how you present yourself something to think about if you want to change the way you are seeinst

15. Angela P.July 29,2023 at 12:59PM UTC

    I found Botox to be helpful as I found that the 11s lines between my eyebrows from frowning at my computer screen were what people were actually talking about when they said I looked ‘upset’.

    yeah this is kinda bs but I’m not sorry I addressed the issue. Having slightly numb eyebrows is a million times better than being asked ‘what’s wrong?’ five times a day.

16. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 1:00PM UTC

    I have the same issue! So I try to consciously smile or practice saying whiskey so that my face has somewhat of a “smile”. It is very hard because my face just naturally doesn’t smile. I also got permanent makeup done, lips and eyebrows so that my face looks fresh.

17. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 2:00PM UTC

    Dysport/Botox at the 11s (the scowl lines between the eyebrows) can help a lot. Should people not be so judgy? Well of course not, but that’s not the reality of everyday life. Using the tools you can in order to move more comfortably in the professional world is fair game on a pretty unfair playing field. Bonus, this is temporary, so if you don’t like the effect, it wears off in a few months.

18. AnonymousJuly 30,2023 at 12:40PM UTC

    I came here to say this. Botox wears off so you can try it for 3 months and see if you start getting a different reaction from people.

    Is it fair? No but also you could look at it as valuable feedback about something that could be causing problems elsewhere you didn’t even realize.

19. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 2:51PM UTC

    I wonder how many men are told this, and how many men worry about fixing it?

20. AnonymousAugust 7,2023 at 12:56PM UTC

    YES! I thought about this a lot over the past month and YES!!!!!!

21. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 3:33PM UTC

    Your post could have been my post. I’m very intense and I could never play poker. I have a great sense of humor, like you. But my face can’t hide reactions AND my resting face gets me “what’s wrong” inquisition. Working remote has helped- I can see myself on camera. So YES to the commentor- practice in the mirror. And Botox (generic form $$) has really helped. You don’t need a ton! But my over expressive face has relaxed by injections!!

    we shouldn’t be judged but the reality is, we are! If it’s important for you to address, DONT let THAT be judged. It’s just a decision to fix something you want to fix. Good luck!!

22. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 4:36PM UTC

    Concentrate on relaxing your facial muscles. One of my daughter's classmates always had a scowl on his face, even though he is easy-going. When I met his mother, I saw that same scowl. Facial expressions are learned.

23. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 4:58PM UTC

    Seriously, you be you...how dare they comment on your looks! If you think it is a factor for you, try having a mirror in front of you like this one that can attach to your monitor - and then you can see your intensity while working. As for those who made those rude comments tell them to smile, and then also let them know that telling women to look a certain way - ie smiling is a form of harassment and you don't want to hear that again.

    https://rb.gy/xn88o

24. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 6:52PM UTC

    I used to have that problem too!! I've had to retrain myself to smile whenever in the presence of others. No matter what. Just think how smiles are contagious! They allow others to feel welcomed and at ease. And they cost nothing.

    And you know what? It comes naturally to me now.

    Others constantly ask me what brings me happiness because I'm always smiling and friendly.

    I can easily say now that it's the joy of the Lord.

25. AnonymousJuly 29,2023 at 8:43PM UTC

    I have the same issue. My face has a permanent scowl. It doesn't help that I wear half moon glasses that I like to peer over. I wear makeup when I want to look different.

26. AnonymousJuly 30,2023 at 12:23AM UTC

    What is being described here is sexism. How many of your male colleagues get the same criticism? For those of you telling her to inject a deadly toxin into her forehead to help this, please STOP.

    OP, before you consider BOTOX, let me tell you a story. When I worked with terminally ill patients in hospice, most were comatose. Because they were non-responsive, and pain management was a significant concern, their pain score was determined by observing their forehead. It is impossible to have a relaxed forehead if a person is in pain. If you feel that anxiety, pain, or trauma affects your facial expression, you may try deep breathing and relaxation, focusing on your facial muscles before anything else. Whenever I've been told that I had a grumpy face, I was able to "fix" it that way. Over time, you can detect it before any criticism, relax the muscles, and adjust.

27. AnonymousAugust 7,2023 at 12:53PM UTC

    Thank you! I have thought about this a lot over the past month, and no one would ever say this to a male colleague.

28. Jodi GonzalezJuly 30,2023 at 1:00AM UTC

    I am autistic. I often look grumpy. I am not. That is a violation of federal law. Find a lawyer.

29. AnonymousJuly 30,2023 at 2:25AM UTC

    It's not illegal to comment on a person's facial expressions in most cases. Almost anybody can fake a smile, so it would be hard to make a case that it's discriminatory. Even if it's due to a permanent medical condition that's, it's not usually illegal. Only a few states protect people from discrimination based on appearance, and merely making comments isn't damaging enough. In OP's case, it was two different people and it doesn't sound like it's pervasive and damaging.

30. AnonymousJuly 31,2023 at 7:45PM UTC

    No its not. No federal law has been violated by telling her she has a grumpy. I wish folks would stop saying "get a lawyer" as if having a lawyer fixes everything and assuming all slights are actionable.

31. Amara HafeezJuly 30,2023 at 11:09AM UTC

    What’s next fixing our legs cause we’re not tall enough short enough cause we’re this colour that colour or our hair is ginger? Next time tell them you need to hear a joke to cheer you up. See if these comedians can deliver.

32. AnonymousJuly 30,2023 at 1:00PM UTC

    Be you! If their company cultures accept that kind of behavior then you’re better off finding somewhere else. Their loss! I know that’s easier said than done when bills are due, but to me that’s a huge red flag.

    I hear comments about being soft spoken all the time. It’s my voice. I can’t change it. But I have started watching videos on voice training. My voice isn’t going to change but maybe I’ll present as more confident. Maybe that’s an option?

33. Tonia D. WoolfolkJuly 30,2023 at 1:57PM UTC

    This is triggering for me. I was in the process of going through a divorce and my teenage son was acting out because of it. I was exhausted, wasn't sleeping well, and cried through most nights. My counterpart said something about my eyes and I told her that if she ever made another comment about my face or my body that I would go straight to human resources. It's no one's business or place to comment on anything like this. Even though I was going through hell in my personal life, I was still present, getting my work done, leading my team, and maintaining my usual pleasant and professional demeanor while I was at work. I went through what I went through by myself on my time. My situation was different, but the same. It's inappropriate. I wouldn't want to work for an employer that feels comfortable enough to say something inappropriate to me and judge my demeanor before getting to know me. I'd rather they not hire me because if that is the culture in the workplace, what will the next inappropriate comment be?

34. Rebecca MillikenJuly 31,2023 at 12:09PM UTC

    I have been told this my whole life. I have tried to make up for it by being mindful of my resting face and trying to smile and be as pleasant as possible. I don't know what else I can do. Plastic surgery would probably have the opposite effect because it will make you look more expressionless.

35. Rebecca MillikenJuly 31,2023 at 12:23PM UTC

    I'm concerned with the number of comments suggesting botox or plastic surgery. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I do NOT think people usually look better with Botox. When I see the commercials, my opinion is they looked better before--but it's their face and choice. If you are getting botox just because someone said they didn't like how your face looks, that's not a good reason.

    I have been called "Sunshine" (ironically) at four separate jobs. I am a nice person-polite and professional. I work hard and take my job seriously. But I am not a gregarious, bubbly person. And, as I said in my previous post, I apparently don't smile enough to please people.

    I have tried to smile more but I can't do much else. I go to work to do my job, not please other people with my sparkling wit and personality. I'm 58 now so I have finally learned that it's their problem, not mine.

    If I didn't get a job just because they didn't like my face, I'd consider that a bullet dodged.

36. ErikaJuly 31,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

    I agree with some of the other comments that you should just be you. In an effort to help problem solve, I wonder if you are in the wrong profession or at the wrong workplace. In high contrast to your scenario, I previously worked in a large financial corporation where all the leaders wore what I called a "cold dead stare" in every meeting. I actually worked really hard to imitate this to be seen as a serious leader because I tend to smile a lot to show support and validation to whomever is speaking.

    I can appreciate your intent to meet people where they are, however, you are also deserving of that courtesy - what is the balance in your place of work? I would love for you to be somewhere where you feel comfortable just being you without second guessing yourself.

37. Larisha ShelmanJuly 31,2023 at 5:13PM UTC

    Tell them they have a grumpy entitled need to share their opinion.

    Actually don't do that but don't change anything. If you feel you need to, maybe change something else like attire, wear some new colorful things? A smiley face pin? I don't know.

    Sorry you're dealing with this.

38. AnonymousJuly 31,2023 at 5:14PM UTC

    I'm a bit different. maybe because I'm over 60 and didn't grow up in a world that said, "whatever you are is just fine" no matter what. I have found that honest feedback is good and always worth examining. I have been told that I look upset or angry when I wasn't. I caught my reflection in a few of those instances and guess what? They were right. What I have done is develop the habit of keeping a "quarter smile" at all times. Another thing that has helped in using a GuaSha stone regularly to relax my facial muscles. I had no idea how much tension I held in my face until I experienced what a relaxed face felt like.

39. AnonymousAugust 1,2023 at 5:15AM UTC

    I was told something similar by my supervisor only I was told I was giving dirty looks in meetings! Sometimes when I am pondering I do squint my eyes. It has nothing to do with anyone in the room it is just the way my face is. She told me this twice. I was a hard working dependable employee so I got tired and told her that this is the way my face is made it has nothing to do with my ability to do my job and her telling me that was like me telling her that her lips were too thick. So if she mentions it again I will go to HR and file a complaint. She never mentioned it again.

40. Grisel Scarantino, Career and Work-Life Fulfillment CoachAugust 14,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    Career coach here -- my whole life, I've had an RBF which, like you, is not a reflection of how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. In fact, my personality style is ENFP - I'm an extroverted, big-picture thinker who is people focused and likes to go with the flow. My neutral face is just an RBF. So I personally relate with what you're talking about here.

    With that said, just because YOU know what you're thinking and feeling doesn't mean that OTHERS know what you're thinking and feeling. They're just going by your face as they're reading your non-verbal cues.

    My recommendation is to let people know, before they ask, about your neutral face. Be open about it from the get-go, and let them know that your neutral face may give off misleading nonverbal cues when you're quietly processing information. Then, tell them what they can do if they're trying to figure out whether you're grumpy.

    In short, instead of working on "fixing your face" in a hit-or-miss kind of way by trying to change the way it looks when you're focused on something else, communicate about it. One of the areas where I coach my clients is on communication effectiveness, and this falls into that category.

    Years ago, when I was in a new role, I met with a leader who had a reputation of being a "bulldozer." She thinks fast, talks fact, acts fast, and takes over situations that she has no business taking over. Everyone around me (even my boss) avoided working on projects with her because she was known to forcefully take over and everyone was afraid to push back. So, I was really intimidated about meeting with her for the first time about a strategic initiative (the company's career development initiative) I was in charge of because her reputation preceded her. I was SO nervous. You know what she did to totally erase my nervousness? She started the meeting off by saying, "I know I have the reputation of being a bulldozer, but it's just my personality style. I don't mean to be that way. So if I start getting too far out of my lane in this meeting, please know that you have my full permission to tell me that so I can get back into my lane. You're in charge of this process, not me." That made the sweat droplets at my temples completely dissipate and although that meeting was YEARS ago, we are still great colleagues to this day. Since then, I've used this strategy myself and now coach my own clients to do this whenever there is something about them that they know people don't know how to interpret. They've had great success with it, as have I.

    You don't have to fix your face. Just try to be mindful of it when you can, and also communicate openly about it so people know how to interpret it, and what to do when they aren't sure what to do or think about it.

    I hope this helps.