I'm at a loss of how to handle a tense situation with a supervisor at work.

Anonymous

August 1,2023 at 4:49PM UTC

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I'm at a loss of how to handle a tense situation with a supervisor at work. I was hired 3 months ago originally to help this company catch their billing up to speed and progress into owning more of a project coordinator role, for which I have 5 years of experience in. However, my training here has been less than stellar, and I find a lot of what I am doing is strictly reactionary rather than any type of proactive approach, and I am getting the feeling that I may be stuck constantly putting out fires. My trainer/supervisor is in a constant state of emotional turmoil, which really effects the training process. A lot of this stems from bullying behavior from his brother (who is also in a leadership position at the same company), but unfortunately, he takes a lot of his frustration out on this team, specifically me. While he hasn't said anything to me directly, he makes it known to a few trusting coworkers that I'm a disappointment and an idiot, and that the only reason I was hired is because I knew someone who worked here. Any attempts I make to try to simplify a process are met with resistance. He has been spoken to twice about his behavior, but not specifically about his behavior towards me. The last two times we as a team have had a sit down, I feel as though we are at a good place and I have a strong list of deliverables that I can work on independently from him, but every Monday it seems like he has amnesia and is upset again.

I am at my wits end. My office is right next to his and my days are filled with hearing his negativity towards me and this company, and I feel like I am close to losing my professional edge and telling this grown man child all about himself.

Am I being too sensitive? How can I best navigate this situation in the most professional manner while not allowing him to constantly put me down behind my back?

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Paulla Fetzek, MSEdAugust 1,2023 at 6:11PM UTC
I'm very sorry you're dealing with this situation. I don't believe you're "too sensitive" - you shouldn't have to deal with what sounds like a very toxic work environment.
If there is an HR Department, I would encourage you to talk to them about his direct interaction with you. Not the team, but you specific.
If the situation can't be resolved, you may want to consider changing careers. No one deserves to work in such an environment.
AnonymousAugust 1,2023 at 6:29PM UTC
Document everything. Do you feel like you can confront this person directly? If so, prepare your notes and do so. If not and you have no support mechanism within the company, look for a position elsewhere. It sounds like his behavior will never change and you need to find the job that fits your level and financial needs.
maria roseAugust 1,2023 at 6:47PM UTC
Like the previous comment, you are not being insensitive to the situation BUT I also feel that you have a different perspective of what you are supposed to be doing ( because of your previous experience) at this specific job. You clearly stated that you were hired to help “catch up” the billing process. That to me means, you walked into a mess and have to not only setup an order for current billing but also organize the past records too—hence the need to “catch up “. You can’t expect the person who technically is part of reasons the billing system is so messed up to change overnight into accepting the process you are trying to install to eliminate the problem. If there’s an HR person at this company ask for a clarification on your specific job duties and how to handle the verbal comments that you have been forced to overhear. Get that cleared up and decide whether you are going to continue to work at this company if nothing is going to be done to change the interchange situation and they want the billing issues caught up.
Kristin BurnsAugust 2,2023 at 4:29PM UTC
I agree, it sounds like the first part of the role (clean-up) isn't complete yet, but the poster wants to move on to the better part now.
To the poster, the behavior of your supervisor is not acceptable and should be documented/dealt with as others have advised. And I believe you should look at the job requirements and see if you can be successful. If you are documenting new processes and people aren't following them, who is accountable? If this man has been spoken to twice, it sounds like he is on notice. Are the others on your team following the new policies and helping you catch up and make it so they don't get behind again? If so, you can move around him and keep delivering good work. If not, I'd look elsewhere.
TashaAugust 1,2023 at 9:05PM UTC
If you posted this two weeks ago, I might have agreed with everyone who has commented up to now.
However, I have been listening to David Goggins' audio book - You Can't Hurt Me, and I have a different perspective on situations like this. Now, this won't be easy, b/c you're human and hearing someone demeaning you is hurtful, but if you're willing to put in the effort, you can turn around this situation. You have to flip the script. In this case, what that means is when he throws an insult your way you choose to ignore it, maintain your professional demeanor and steady tone and continue the conversation. Ask for clarification for any assignment, with due dates, milestones, and clear deliverables. Then, follow-up with an email to document what you thought you heard and ask him to confirm. Then, under-promise and over-deliver. Kick butt on the assignment. Present your completed work along with a proposed process to help create efficiencies and strategies that would help those tasks to be more proactively taken rather than putting out fires. Pretty soon, he, and everyone else, will see not only are you capable and competent, but you demonstrate leadership qualities and if not at this company, you'll soon be a leader. Stay above the fray, get the work done, and ignore the non-productive junk on the side.
In fact, if it were me, I'd stay there just long enough to make my point, and then leave! (Maybe I still have some maturing to do- lol)!
AnonymousAugust 1,2023 at 11:03PM UTC
This job is a bad fit for you and is unlikely to get better. The company and your manager sound dysfunctional and I can’t see you being promoted (as originally promised) under the circumstances you describe. Given your manager’s mindset and emotional state, I doubt that there is much you can do to win your manager over, nor do I think the job or the company warrant the effort that this would entail.
In light of this backdrop, you have two reasonable options:1)Resign now and start looking for a new job. (This is likely the best course of action for your sanity, if this option is financially feasible.)
2)Start looking for a new job and resign when you have secured one. If you’d like to return to your previous employment, is that an option?
I do agree with others that you should document any unreasonable orders or questionable remarks that you hear from your manager and alert HR (if there is an HR office) that your training has been insufficient and that you are being treated poorly by your manager, but your situation is untenable.
BethBAugust 2,2023 at 12:31PM UTC
The only thing you can control is you. You can’t stop him from putting you down. Is there any way you can professionally confront him? John, I heard that you are telling people I’m an idiot. If you don’t like something I’m doing, please let me know. I’m sure it is much more productive and better for morale to talk to me directly about any issues.
misskelleypAugust 2,2023 at 5:16PM UTC
Run away.... Seriously, family owned/run businesses are the WORST. I have never had a good experience at one.
AnonymousAugust 3,2023 at 2:25AM UTC
Preach!
AnonymousAugust 3,2023 at 2:29PM UTC
Phew this feels familiar! I’m sorry you’re going through this. I recently left a job where my boss, one of the company’s owners, is a bully. I honestly had to gentle parent him, I didn’t know what it was called at the time, but I think that’s the closest description. I decided when to fight the good fight and when to let things go but I always kept my boundaries firm with him, consistency is critical. I had a unique set of skills they needed, sounds like you do to, and I focused hard on those. I was very fast with those skills as I’ve honed them over decades, so I use the ‘extra’ time this created to build systems, manage him, document my work, help others, build connection with my clients and create some buffer time. This sounds very calm, believe me it wasn’t, it was the hardest decade of my life, very damaging and emotionally draining, and I should have left much earlier. I tried to minimize our private meeting time, as this is where he really went off, and he somewhat edited his language and approach when others were around. And then I left, no next job, not much explanation. I suppose my point is, use your expertise there, learn what you can and always keep looking. If you stay for a week or a decade, keeping an eye on your value outside of that place can diminish the drama he or others stir up. He sounds very emotional and childish, so I would be the calm and rational one as often as you can be.
AnonymousAugust 5,2023 at 11:37AM UTC
He should not manage people, including you. He doesn't deserve it. But he is in the role, and going through this process with him will help sharpen your professional skills (the one positive note here!) So take control of the situation by deciding both your strategy and next step. You are doing everything right so far. Remain professional and keep focusing on delivering results. And document everything in a personal journal at home. Every time he calls you names, yells at you, etc. Document the time and who was around. Be as specific as you can.
So here are your two main choices.
1.Stay. If you decide this, find out what has worked with him in the past. Is he the type of boss who bullies one person and then once things come to a head, he moves on to the next person? When he was 'talked to' did his behavior improve? If it did, could that person help you? You need to determine if the situation fixable. If not, then I would move on to option 2.
2.Plan your exit. Start looking for another role at a better company. Use this situation as a push in the right direction. Create a resume and start applying for a better job. If they ask why you are looking, respond that you are looking to advance.
No one should ever have to tolerate this type of behavior. In fact, interestingly, GenX leaves a job within 2-6 months if they encounter toxic or bully behavior. So they aren't tolerating it. Also, a new anti-bully law has been proposed in 31 states and hopefully will gain momentum in 2024. It would allow any employee who is being bullied in the workplace to sue their employer. And the lawsuit would be public, unlike lawsuits today that protect the perpetrator/abuser. I'm certainly not encouraging litigious activity, but the company is at risk by employing him and his brother and they don't even know it.
Good luck. You've got this!