My boss said I'm "never stressed out" enough.

34 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 3:00PM UTC

   Non-profits I've found are often playgrounds for dysfunction. They attract a different breed and are almost always very emotional environments that encourage dramatic and highly personalized interaction.

   I sit on and have sat on many boards where leadership shares their myriad of personnel issues. They are highly personalized issues for the most part and usually based on conduct that is borderline illegal.

   It is always surprising to me that because of their nonprofit status, the leadership has an unfounded belief that the company environment is a place that they are allowed to act out in. That somehow the rules don't apply to them. They treat it like an extention of their home.

2. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 3:16PM UTC

   Unfortunately, it’s not only non profits. This kind of thing is extremely common & is a biproduct of the wrong people in leadership positions.

   I would move on as fast as possible. Will only get more toxic from here.

3. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 3:21PM UTC

   I am not in a non-profit now but there are projects that have been worked in and then dumped! A complete waste of time, energy and resources. Anyone ever feel like they just do busy work and it is like school so your boss/teacher can get their work done?!

4. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 3:35PM UTC

   I have recently worked in the nonprofit space also a new postion and the essence of 1 of my responsibilities was to build a new program. I did that successfully and it was always pushed to the side by the COO, CFO and other Mgmt once I was ready to move forward. I was there 6 moths and they eliminated my position. It seemed like they didnt understand what was needed for such a project/dept. Unfortunately I would recommend start looking . Your organization may not be equipped to handle the execution for the project's you are supposed to do ,like me.

5. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 3:42PM UTC

   Seriously, what type of "manager" says this?? Does she WANT you to be upset, frazzled and leave so she can do the work herself or find someone else to do it for her??!!

6. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 4:14PM UTC

   This sounds like a poor manager. I would start looking for a better opportunity while you continue working there. In the meantime, document your activities and keep pushing for clarity on projects. All the work you've done can be built into a portfolio of sorts to showcase your experience and accomplishments which can be used both in the current job to show your 'passion and commitment' and also as part of a job search.

   I worked for a manager who would praise this one guy who stayed late at the office all the time. What the manager didn't know was that this guy would spend the morning at the beach playing volleyball then come into the office late morning/early afternoon. He got his 8 hour work day in, just like the rest of us, but he had the appearance of being a workaholic which the boss valued. It sounds like your and my former manager were swayed more by appearances rather than content of work. Can you think of things to up the 'appearance' aspect of your work?

7. Heather (she/her)September 19,2023 at 4:18PM UTC

   Yeah, that seems like a huge red flag. A stressed-out team should never be the goal. I'm so sorry you're in this position. It might be worth trying to talk to her about why she sees being stressed out as a good thing, but I'd also start looking elsewhere.

8. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 4:31PM UTC

   As a VP in the R&D space of a tech company, I had many projects and sub-projects that did not make it to market (part of the definition and nature of "research" and "development"). Later in my roles in the non-profit sector, the same thing happened, only to a lesser degree, and most of those projects barely got out of the "research" paperwork, as funding couldn't be located (utterly different paradigm than the for-profit space, where company profits fund R&D.) None of these activities should ever be considered as failures or that the time spent was not worthwhile. The time and effort of the research alone show valuable analytic skills. Many prototypes and ideas can pivot into other ideas with market value or funding potential later, so what you did earlier can have eventual success. The narrative you should own is that you saw a project through from start to finish. That the company chose not to implement what you had done may not have had anything to do with you or how you did it, but it could have been that in the time between start and finish, priorities and company direction changed.

   I agree that you need to get your boss to define "urgency" and not as something that causes you to stay late every day on something that isn't due for two more months. Perhaps you have better time management skills than your coworkers. Have you set up a timeline of tasks required to complete the project where you can show your progress to date? This might help to get the point across. Why are your coworkers staying late? Did they procrastinate or not lay out the project in a doable timeline?

   If your boss is only looking at your time card and not your accomplishments, it's time to start looking for something somewhere that will appreciate you getting work done on time without having to work 60-hour weeks to get there.

9. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 4:59PM UTC

   Interesting you say this bc I’ve gotten similar feedback in my work and personal life. “You’re sooo laid back” “you never get flustered or angry”. It feels passive aggressive at best. I couldn’t wrap my head around what they are really trying to say. Maybe it’s the urgency thing but is being rational about deadlines really a bad thing? I’m with ya!!

10. AnonymousSeptember 20,2023 at 12:37PM UTC

    Since she’s just coming back from maternity leave, she’s probably stressed out because she’s not really caught up with what’s going on yet. So she’s expecting everybody else’s level of stress to equal her own which is unrealistic. You guys have been there the whole time and have everything in the groove. She’s playing catch-up. Sounds like a “her” problem.

11. AnonymousSeptember 20,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    As women, we are always "too" something. We spend our whole career trying to find that perfect way to be that doesn't exist.

    Just the fact that you posed the issue here shows you're thinking about it. So yes, it's an awful place to be only 5 months in. No, you're not crazy and there's nothing wrong with you. Try to hang in there.

12. AnonymousSeptember 20,2023 at 1:52PM UTC

    Having spent the vast majority of my career in nonprofits, I don’t think you have a blind spot. It sounds more like you are working in a stereotypical nonprofit. While not all are like this, many think that employee value is demonstrated by how much can be extracted out of them rather than simply looking at their work. Unfortunately, that culture is not likely to change. My advice to you is to keep your boundaries and search for another opportunity. Your boundaries will serve you well.

13. Emily LinamanSeptember 20,2023 at 2:07PM UTC

    You took the words out of my mouth! This is so typical of toxic non profit culture.

14. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 1:33PM UTC

    This culture is hardly limited to non-profits- for-profits use it to. It somehow feels worse in non-profits as you are supposed to have "passion" for the cause, whatever it is.

    But still, for-profits want you to drink the KoolAid, too, and expect you to show it with busy-ness.

15. Angie MartinSeptember 20,2023 at 2:45PM UTC

    I would look at this a totally different way. You're cool a cucumber and have got this!

    The fact that she doesn't think you're doing a good job because you're not "stressed out enough" says a lot about her and the company.

    If you are passionate about this business, try to find a project where you can show it, but otherwise, I wouldn't expect her opinion to change.

16. SrPM-SFSeptember 20,2023 at 6:04PM UTC

    Read this article: https://hbr.org/2023/03/beware-a-culture-of-busyness?utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=mtod_notactsubs

    Summary.

    Once upon a time, leisure was a sign of prestige. Today that idea has been turned on its head, and busyness is the new status symbol. Busy people are considered important and impressive, and employees are rewarded for showing how “hard” they’re working. Such thinking is misguided. It can cause organizations to overload their employees, base their incentives on the amount of time they put in, and excessively monitor their activities, all of which undermine productivity and efficiency, research shows. Meanwhile, reducing work to manageable levels can actually enhance them.

17. AnonymousSeptember 20,2023 at 6:05PM UTC

    It's always hard to get direction and feedback especially when you feel you are not being heard. Clearly this is a place where being heard matters little and for you it matters more. Take your experience to a place where you can collaborate with others in the way that it works for you. That will mean drafting some hard thought questions about how work groups work, and how managers manage. Take the feedback you got and process it because it is meaningful an could help you to self assess as you work with others. Often in NP's the funds drive everything and if the budgets for projects get shifted pivoting fast or pivoting away is often the thing. You don't always get to know why. So let go of those things because that is going to hurt you if you dwell too much on stuff like that. I don't think anything you have said is retaliatory its more of a style difference and you - if you stay have to conform to their ways of doing their business or simply let go of some of this. If you truly feel like it's beneath your skills then cut your losses and move on.

18. AnonymousSeptember 20,2023 at 9:14PM UTC

    Document everything and work on your resume!

19. AnonymousSeptember 20,2023 at 11:14PM UTC

    Sounds to me like she doesn't know how to leverage your skillset so she's blaming you. I'm in a very similar position right now. Anything remotely related to my title gets put on my plate even if it's completely inappropriate. Yup, I've been looking and interviewing. It's not going to get better.

20. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 12:35PM UTC

    I regret to acknowledge that it seems to be a toxic environment where the predominant culture revolves around burning out individuals who still prioritize maintaining boundaries while performing effectively. We are living in a world saturated with this mindset:" Work relentlessly and burn out quickly". Listen to your heart and move on in pursuit of a better future for yourself.

21. Vikas VermaSeptember 21,2023 at 12:36PM UTC

    Simple.....start appreciating and recognize her own struggles. Train your self to throw your own ME out. Psychologically this lady is hurt. You can see it is very clear. Any attempt to shift your attention away from that fact will be counterproductive. Hence play a game. Tell her a story or let someone else tell her about your story that creates sympathy in her heart when she gets to know. Maybe a story that you had fallen very sick ? and still working. She needs to know that. Who knows your own powerful confidence has intimidated her deep inside. So reverse it.Or she feels insecure. Give yourself benefit of doubt that you didn't know her that well. World of today is not so fertile for you to grow and go great guns without a problem. Things were different 100 years ago when you would been appreciated for what you did. But now people generally speaking are not born with those same qualities. So show your genuine interest in her problems and throw the part of you that gets hurt out the window. You will feel better. Trust me i have gone through this.

22. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 12:48PM UTC

    I respect yout perspective, but I disagree with the notion of engaging in games with such individuals. It appears to be quite stressful, especially when dealing with hard situation. Think of dealing with a malicious narcissist: Play games is the best approach?

23. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

    I'm wondering if you worked in not-for-profit before. They aren't all the same by any stretch, but there is definitely a subculture of people who want to feel like they are making sacrifices for the good of the world. They want to martyr themselves, so that they can think warmly of their vocation. I had a meeting with one once and they laid it on thick, so they thought, about all these terribly complicated problems that they wanted to solve. I listened very carefully and then made the mistake of showing them how easy it would be to sort it all out, and how little time it would take. I saw them frowning when I was explaining straightforward solutions to what were genuinely not big problems. They also made the mistake of suggesting that their team was of an intellectual level that I hadn't encountered before. As I worked for one of the top management consultancies for several years, I doubt this would have been the case. I expect the job went to someone who told them that they were enormous issues that would take months to resolve, and I think this because they didn't really seem to want the difficulties to be removed. It would have done one of them out of half a job, just for starters. Perhaps your project management system would achieve the same. So just consider whether you want to be a part of the martyrdom found in a subset of not-for-profits. If you don't, go and find one of the many NFPs that function normally.

24. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

    This sounds difficult and confusing for you. What I read here is that management is fostering a culture of working late for the sake of working late.

    Does your boss assume that "working late" equals "passionate?" If so, this may not be a culture that is a good fit.

    I've worked in spaces where people "stayed late" to get the work done-- because they were expected to put in a lot of hours. Many spent numerous hours during the day on chit-chat. I personally found it made no sense to go in early, as if I left "early" (say 5:00 p.m.) it was frowned upon- staying till 6:30 or 7:00 was the expectation. It was more about the appearance of working hard than actually doing it -- well, yes, hard work did occur at night, but mornings were coffee and chatter.

    If something like that is going on where you are, you have to decide if it's a culture you want. It sounds like it comes from more than just your boss, and if so you won't be able to shift the culture on your own. You can try conversation, but it sounds like you have and that it left you as confused as you were before you began.

    In sum, it sounds to me like it's time to pursue a new opportunity.

25. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 2:15PM UTC

    They are the type of people who are creating solutions in search of problems. You need a different job in a corporate world. You are the type of person who finds solutions to existing problems.

26. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 2:36PM UTC

    It sounds like she’s threatened by your punctuality on completion projects WITHOUT getting stressed. You sound perfect for the role. Your boss, not so much. I say keep working as you are and start looking for a new position. Good luck.

27. surfnwriteSeptember 21,2023 at 2:46PM UTC

    "I don't seem passionate enough because I am never stressed out and don't have a sense of urgency. " That is absurd. Sounds like you are managing your work well and she has a warped sense of how dedication is demonstrated. I would start looking because she appears to be a slave to her work and wants you to be too.

28. maria roseSeptember 21,2023 at 2:58PM UTC

    Sure sounds like this specific job is not a good fit for you since you’re not fitting into the “mindset “ of the group’s team members n how you approach things. If you can’t find a way to blend in with that mindset, it’s best to just move on to another job, where you can feel more appreciated. Don’t quit until you have the right job lined up.

29. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 3:18PM UTC

    That’s absurd! I just had a similar conversation with my boss, and she told me I need to be cognizant of a better balance. Sounds like your boss may be threatened by your abilities! If she is saying, you’re not stressed out five months into a job then it’s probably not the right job for you or the right boss!

30. Jennifer WuolletSeptember 21,2023 at 3:22PM UTC

    Run, run far away. I have worked with someone who said to another coworker "you don't look stressed out enough" I left and never looked back. Find another job and get out. Workers shouldn't look stressed that's not how any of that works.

31. Jennifer WehrendSeptember 21,2023 at 5:09PM UTC

    Look for another job. All this work BS is crazy.

32. Gail A GemberlingSeptember 21,2023 at 6:49PM UTC

    It sounds like a place that definitely does not have their employees' health as a very high priority. If they want you to be stressed out about finishing projects sounds like they reward procrastination rather than good planning. People who always end up at the last minute rushing to finish projects are not a model to be followed. Maybe they really do need some project management tools like the one you developed. I would start looking elsewhere asap unless there is someone above your boss that you can confide in.

33. Yvette Shields WilsonSeptember 21,2023 at 7:31PM UTC

    You are in a "no-win" situation. Five months in, and the workplace has revved up in toxicity. My advice (having been there before) is to find a position with a company that values its employees. You cannot change a culture that is sick from the top down.

34. AnonymousSeptember 21,2023 at 9:53PM UTC

    It sounds like you could run circles around your colleagues and boss. And as it's a non-profit, probably not compensated anywhere near your worth. Face it - you are way more talented and efficient than they'll ever be. And it seems your boss is jealous of your skills, like she's trying to pull you down to her level.
    As the others have said, find an employer that appreciates your skills.I worked at a non-profit once some years ago. Most of the people there spent a good deal of their day complaining about how overworked they were. (well, you know, if they spent as much time on their work as they spent complaining about it . . . just sayin').You deserve better - good luck!