How do you cope when it’s clear the boss you had grown to trust was gaslighting you?

Anonymous

October 4,2023 at 2:36PM UTC

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How do you cope when it’s clear the boss you had grown to trust was gaslighting you?

This is 4.5 year story but I will try to be brief. I have been in my job for 4.5 years. My boss, a department head, has been her in job for a long time (decades) and has a reputation of being micromanaging and resistant to the direction of the three layers above her. She also can be a bully. She and I have not always seen eye to eye because if her bullying management style. Since I am generally comfortable in my unique role, I have been able to push back and find some peace. And I thought some mutual respect.

At the start of the pandemic, about a year in to my job for me, I put my hand up to take on additional duties that were being mandated for each dept by the top. As time went on, these additional duties morphed into a permanent part of my job, which I welcome and manage well. When these duties were added, it de facto meant a slight change of procedures for some folks in the department. Almost everyone has come around except on small pocket of the 100 person department. Unfortunately, there is a lot there so I have struggled with that faction for over three years. My boss has given my lip service about supporting me, but little has changed.

On top of that, because of my boss’s rebellious nature, there are aspects of my job that require me to report directly to her superiors. She knows this and she also knows that I will not lie for her. She knows if she puts me in a bad situation, I will not fall on my sword. I have told her this directly because of issues with the small pocket.

Since we had the conversation about me not falling on my sword a few months ago, things had seemed to be going really well. It seemed she grudgingly accepted how things were and was going with the flow.

Until yesterday. It came to my attention that she had attempted to work around me to do something that requires approval from above and should be facilitated through me. Not only that, she did it in partnership with/on behalf of the faction that resists my position. Fortunately, the way it unfolded was sort of organic because there were people in the system who were doing their jobs but it was a circus when the s*** hit the fan. What they were trying to do has come to a screeching halt.

As this was unfolding, I couldn’t help but feel completely gas lighted and angry. I have full support from her superiors but am stuck feeling dread about having to work with her knowing how this went down.

I’m sure it seems to her that I’m a spy or “working for the man” but I assure you, what she is resisting is normal in most larger organizations. All of the changes that lead to this, including the addition of the role becoming permanent for me, transpired after we had a shake up in upper management and her supervisor changed. Prior to that, she was pretty much free to do what ever she wanted seemingly because people were afraid of her. Now she being reasonably managed and she doesn’t like it and makes it known within our department.

I guess my question is, does anyone have tips for continuing to work for someone you know you cannot trust? It’s been less than 24 hours since all this went down so I’m still processing but I would welcome some advice.

Please note that for specific personal reasons, leaving within the next six to eight months isn’t a reasonable option for me.

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AnonymousOctober 4,2023 at 4:43PM UTC
It sounds like someone else blew the whistle on her shenanigans this week, right?
What you're dealing with isn't gaslighting. It's just ordinary subversive tactics that will probably cost her her job.
You will probably outlast her, unless her supervisor's role is a revolving door. Keep your head down and pop some popcorn. Things could get interesting.
AnonymousOctober 4,2023 at 6:33PM UTC
Point taken. I was thinking gaslighting from the perspective that she is telling me something is real or not real when she knows it’s the opposite which has me questioning everything.
its doubtful I will outlast her unless she chooses to retire. Can’t share more about that without risking giving away potentially identifiable info.
I will pop some popcorn and keep getting sh*t done.
AnonymousOctober 4,2023 at 7:54PM UTC
Yeah, gaslighting sounds fancier than merely telling a bald-faced lie. I don't think she's that smart.
AnonymousOctober 4,2023 at 8:28PM UTC
To help protect you, your reputation and stabilize your work situation, it rests with you to establish distance wherever possible and hard boundaries when necessary.
You must, unfortunately, be much more suspect of motives, random situations and all communications with this person and her allies. Now that you are well aware of her mode of operation, she won't be able to employ gaslighting etc to distract you or lull you into trusting anyone associated with her.
Remain professional at all times but guarded and be very observant and cautious. She is not that cunning but rather opportunistic so treat her like any other chaotic disruptor. Don't let her take too much of your head space but don't ignore her. Keep some protective distance and awareness of her.
AnonymousOctober 5,2023 at 2:22PM UTC
Gaslighting is a misused term, as in this case. You cannot trust this woman. If you have a relationship with her and can talk to her, why not ask her about it?
My approach is something similar to this: "{Name}, I just heard about {this}. I am so confused! Do you have a minute to {fill me in/align on this/see how we can get it done/ etc.}.
Once the conversation starts, which may never happen, you can say, "Oh, yeah, the process for that is that it goes through me." Or whatever.
She may refuse to discuss it because she's mad she got caught, but come from a place of confusion and wanting to help. This serves two purposes. You will get information, which you must read between the lines, as she will likely not tell you the WHOLE truth. And secondly, you can kindly let her know that you know proper procedures, and so does she, by the way. So she should be careful before trying something like this again.
You know this is her style, and it's not personal toward you. She simply pushes back in general. Which is a bit of a relief, actually. It's not how she feels about you, just her nature.
Don't take is personally, which is easier said than done.
Jos WallerOctober 6,2023 at 2:34PM UTC
This is a great answer. I would then follow up in an email for documentation. And really document all of your interactions with her too.
Maggie StoneOctober 6,2023 at 12:26PM UTC
Well, to be honest, having a manager you can’t trust and a faction on your team who are trying to work around you seems like a pretty untenable situation. Unless these parties are going to be removed, I would say that you have 6-8 months to execute an exit plan.
AnonymousOctober 6,2023 at 12:30PM UTC
She didn't gaslight you, she betrayed you. Unfortunately I have had to deal with people I can't trust at every job I've had. My advice is to remain aligned with her superiors. Be pleasant, do your work, but don't engage in gossip with her about the higher ups. She can't be trusted.
AnonymousOctober 6,2023 at 12:42PM UTC
This doesn't sound like gaslighting, this sounds like your boss was trying to go around you because she knew that you weren't going to be complicit in the "workaround" she was trying to get done. You don't necessarily *know* that she thinks you're a "spy" or anything like that unless she has specifically told you or someone else that's what she thinks, but if she knows you're a rule follower then she knew you wouldn't want to go along with what she was trying to accomplish. For now I'd just lay low and do your job and see how things play out. If you don't trust her then just work to protect yourself since it seems like you have a strong relationship with your skip level leadership.
AyianOctober 7,2023 at 1:26PM UTC
Bosses are never your friend. Most cannot be trusted in the first place. Do not give your trust to a supervisor and always believe their behaviors. Based on your previous 4 years of experience with this person, exactly what changed that made you think that they could be trusted to respect a work boundary? You clearly already did not trust her and neither did your organization. Your feelings of broken trust only exist because you chose to put your trust in her and she behaved as she always does.
How you work with someone like this is the same way you always have before. If you don't want that in your life, make a change.
Kristie WhiteOctober 7,2023 at 1:55PM UTC
First of all, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you. This is a person who has not been managed for a very long time, and has been allowed to act out and do a substandard job without repercussions. Now that she is being managed, she is resentful. And the faction that you speak of is her clique and always has been. They are her friends, and she will do anything to support them and protect them. You need to manage up and that means keeping her informed, doing your job, and pushing back when she does not adhere to procedure if that means you have to go over her head, then that’s what it means. It is very likely that her new manager is trying to figure out how to ease her out, she may have even picked up the signals. No manager that is worth a damn wants to work with an employee who refuses to be respectful of the team and get the work done without being problem, you could be looking at moving into her position, because you already have face time and a good reputation with her superiors. And she knows that. She will be looking for ways to undermine your reputation. But you have to be careful that you don’t become the whiny baby complaining about her to your superiors. So, don’t trust her. Double check everything she says. Make sure your reports are completely finished and accurate and if information is missing, make sure that detail that the information was unavailable is included. If they give you information that is incorrect, be sure that you keep a log of where you get the data and from whom. By keeping the log, you will have a track record of when the data is late and where that is coming from and how frequently. So do your best to protect yourself and keep your relationship with your superiors first and foremost in your sights.
Benjamin FarberOctober 7,2023 at 6:28PM UTC
I experienced something very similar at my last job unfortunately. I can say with certainty that’s part of the reason I am unemployed right now.
However, in the intervening months I have rediscovered my inner resolve and let go of some of the resentment. Briefly, my former ‘new’ manager was complaining to management and gaslighting me during my last review.
As my new manager he was being coached by HR what to do to remove me. I was given 60 day probation, to improve. He outright told me at the separation interview that he would have let me go sooner, but couldn’t! I was given a separation agreement if I didn’t sue for wrongful termination. I should mention that I asked for accommodations from HR, but received none, either for timing or confidentiality reasons.
I will say that I’ve gotten much savvier and will be able to “read the room” better now. I’ve vented a little but still feel frustrated.
AnonymousOctober 8,2023 at 12:20AM UTC
I experienced something very similar without being able to reach my boss’ bosses. It is extremely draining because you always need to double check your work and watch out for multiple attacks coming your way. Based on my experience, I would try to invest your energy into looking for another job in the next eight months (networking in your organization & outside), at the same time you will need to continue protecting your reputation at work and try not to clash with her. If you want to stay you need to find a way to get her job or to move to another team. Most importantly, keep in touch with your support system and don’t allow her to have a huge impact on your physical and mental health. Like my boss, she will try to fire you but you need to be faster. Get another job and if her supervisors ask why you are leaving, you will be able to explain your reasons (carefully documented). I just got out of a very similar situation, and my boss was so angry just because he couldn’t abuse his power anymore! I wish you good luck and I hope you will be able to achieve the same in 8 months!