How do I handle a co-worker that is rude, mean, talks down to people, and just wont help when you have questions?

42 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 9:12PM UTC

   I deal with this also. Someone I have to deal with is all of what you have stated. I have done all you have, documented, gone to bosses, HR and also confided in mentors to make sure I back my word up with fact. Yet, she is still employed and is unethical and makes derogatory comments, of coursed prefaced with "I am not predjuice". I distance myself as far as I can, but at times I can't get away. I only hope Karms catches up soon. It is frustrating to say the least.

2. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 10:48PM UTC

   You don't really know what is going on in the back office so let's, for discussion sake, pretend that management will do something at some point.

   So what about in the meantime?

   Stay as far away from this person as much as possible. Go to your boss with your questions or requests for help.

   Stay on the down low to maintain your sanity.

   Create a wonderful and balanced life in your personal life to help balance your work-life. Selfcare and boundaries will help you achieve separation and boundaries.

   Make friends with those at work you like. Make plans for lunch or to take walk on your breaks. Connect with the better part of work.

   Keep documentation of any run ins you have with the mean girl in case you need dates, times and context fir investigations on her.

3. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 12:38PM UTC

   Your perception of rudeness is objective. Could it be that she is a threat to you in some way and you are bullying her like a mean girl gang? (Which by the way is very common) The fact that you moved to gossip about her and gather support for your perspective is not a professional move but that of a high school girl. Did you take some time to get to know her? Ask her for collaboration on the job? Maybe you have it all wrong? Maybe she is dealing with some personal issues that is causing this demeanor and she’s not aware that she is offending anyone. or is she just better looking than you, has a better husband than you or some other petty reason for you to nit pick her and try to push her out. Suggestion: Pull up your big girl panties, and make moves to let go of your petty offenses with her and try to be united as sisters in the work force that for whatever reason needs her job just as much as you do. Be the standout person and go in peace to her and you might just make a strong alliance and you both come out stronger team players.

4. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:05PM UTC

   I was thinking the same thing.

5. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:24PM UTC

   I kind of see your point here. If she has an inkling that she is being discussed behind her back and she has picked up on the negative vibe and she is aware that she’s been reported, how would one expect her to react? At the very least, I would keep my head down and limit interactions.

6. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:29PM UTC

   Wow! Talk about blaming the victim. You could have a career in HR.

7. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 8:25PM UTC

   I wouldn't want a career in HR.

8. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:39PM UTC

   Uh, no. Workplace bullies exist. Trying to figure out if it’s just you, or if they treat others the same way because you’re worried about retaliation is pretty standard. This is a super toxic and unprofessional response.

9. AnonymousOctober 3,2023 at 9:18AM UTC

   If you think woman acting like a bunch of hen's gossiping behind her back and getting people to take sides is professional then you should really think about that.. And trust me when it stuff hit's the fan, all those supporters that this OP worked to get on her side and agree with her, will NOT get involved. They will put their job, paycheck and family first and let you work that out on your own. They were probably agreeing with you just to agree. They didn't want to be your target next. Anyway, the OP is not a victim but a mean girl.

10. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 1:52PM UTC

    The farthest I have ever gotten by reporting someone like this is being called in by management for a "mediation" encounter, where we both have to sit down face-to-face and air our grievances. The main thing I learned from these sessions (and they were very unpleasant) is I didn't know what was going on in her mind any more than she understood what was going on in mine. From that perspective, we came away understanding each other a little better, so we had a better idea of how to deal with each other. Later on, Karma came along with a vengeance, and it was nothing that could be blamed on me, as she was caught red-handed.

11. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:26PM UTC

    Apparently the mean girls club is everywhere and it’s allowed because no one knows what to do with subtle toxicity.

12. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:37PM UTC

    Agreed.

13. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:33PM UTC

    Keep being a positive example. Don’t return evil for evil. And keep looking elsewhere. I’m in the same situation. After many years being top go to person these people have bulldozed their way in, only caring about themselves, everyone sees it but no one knows what to do about it. They

    want command and control. They don’t care about people. I prayed about it and have peace with walking away.

14. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:39PM UTC

    Ask what's wrong. She might be having something personal going on in her life.

15. GirlBossanova934974October 1,2023 at 12:40PM UTC

    Hate to say it but this sounds very SUBJECTIVE in tone with little real evidence being provided here of the behavior that is supposed to have taken place. Experienced managers don't take this stuff too seriously unless the accusers have some form of documentation etc. And I have dealt with co-workers like this over the years. Several times. The abuse goes both ways. In the first case, the company decided to promote a bunch of managers who really were not up to the job. Instead of expending any effort to figure something out for themselves, they kept running to a single resource who frankly got tired of the basic questions. The second case is that of a truly rude co-worker. In that case, we didn't bother reporting that person or running to HR. We simply found another resource to get our complex questions answered. And the last case is that I took the initiative to simply have a cup of coffee or two with the individual in question. We sat down for an hour or two. I listened and tried to help out the individual in question. I made a few friends along the way and got the job done. No emails, SLACKS, trips to HR etc etc.

16. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 12:43PM UTC

    I think it’s very telling that half of the team feels the way you do. We have a similar situation at my job. Many people are tired of this person’s rude and condescending tone. Unfortunately, everyone is too scared to say anything.

17. Lynn WilliamsOctober 1,2023 at 1:05PM UTC

    Same situation in a previous role - I ended up leaving. Then, HR called me and asked me on my last day if I was being bullied - at this point in my mind it was too late. I just said what do you think and left it at that!

18. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 2:19PM UTC

    Don’t fear. I have read that fear is an acronym for face everything and rise. For a long time I feared, until I realized what my rights were. I feel that I’m treated with respect now, rather than demeaned.

19. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netOctober 1,2023 at 12:54PM UTC

    sit down with her on a one on one and tell her how you are feeling and ask her if you are doing anything to warrant being treated this way. Give her some examples. If the behavior doesn't change and it may not, look for a new job.

20. Jessica CardOctober 1,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    Dealing with a rude and uncooperative co-worker can be challenging.

    Are you in person or remote?
    I worked in an in person environment where hostility was the norm. I wasn’t able to change the workplace environment, but I did change how those individuals treated me.

    Here’s some of my strategies if you’re in person:
    1- If you’re in the moment, and they’re yelling at you say “Please don’t speak to me that way. I don’t appreciate it.” Don’t elaborate. Just a blanket statement to make them pause.

    2- Or, you can pull them into a private environment and ask them to adjust their actions. You have to be prepared with specific changes you’d like to see.

    3- I’ve never tried this in a workplace, but you could also ask “Is everything okay, you seem like you’re upset.” Your tone should be with compassion as if you’re trying to help them, but really you’re trying to help yourself.

    The goal of 1 and 3 is you get them to think about their actions. 2 is to be proactive and address them head on.

    If you are remote, I’d need more information about how they are communicating with you. If it’s in writing, and HR didn’t take action, then it might be their writing style and you’re implying tone. I set expectations around my writing style with new hires. I don’t believe in fluff writing. ?

21. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 2:05PM UTC

    If you reported to HR, then that normally triggers an investigation, and the manager will not be allowed to do anything until HR has completed their investigation and recommended a specific action. HR normally will report back to whomever originally filed the report on what the result is and what actions are being taken.

22. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 2:09PM UTC

    If the coworker is being "rude and mean and won't help" but doesn't have any specific authority over you and hasn't made any xenophobic or discriminatory comments towards you, then it's difficult to get HR to agree that this constitutes workplace bullying. The most they might do is coach the employee to use more professional language, if they deem that the person is talking in an unprofessional manner.

23. Audrey KirschOctober 1,2023 at 3:00PM UTC

    She is a co-worker, not a supervisor so a private one on one conversation is not likely to have any effect. Unfortunately, a person like this needs to be called out in a group setting with witnesses. Keep it professional. Let them know that their behavior is unacceptable and detrimental to the team’s functioning in a positive way. If others agree, your speaking up may empower them to add to the conversation. Since HR has been unhelpful, the group will have to fix the problem as a team.

24. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 3:10PM UTC

    First, understand that the company fixes things when their brokenness most impacts the bottom line. If this situation is not (you all still work there) and it’s not illegal then it’s probably not going to change.

    Second, read the policy on hostile work environment and be sure you are following it , if there is one.

    Third, try to quantify the business impact of the persons actions (I’ve had a couple of ideas my colleagues agree would improve productivity, but I don’t raise them in meetings because…., an issue remained open because they would not engage in teamwork…)

    Practice individual responses in front of the mirror: Wow you seem stressed, or my favorite, Why did you say that? (pause to listen) In the interests of Teamwork, can we agree that….

    I’m horrible at interpersonal conflict, so it’s a skill I have to practice every time. As others have said, some environments aren’t going to change, so….

25. PaulaOctober 1,2023 at 3:22PM UTC

    Try this. When she says something objectionable, pause, slowly say “ Hang on, did you just say ( repeat her exact words )” and stop. Pause. If she doesn’t rephrase or apologize, do it again, slowly, “ I did just hear you say , ( repeat exact words).” Now you have collected yourself and can choose, maybe an “I” message “I feel disrespected when you say …,” or just shrug and say “ ok then” and walk away. Or just say “That’s rude!” Or whatever. Have fun with her. Life is too short!

26. ElizabethOctober 2,2023 at 12:34PM UTC

    This definitely works. Takes the wind right out of their sails. Some people don't even know that's hotter they sound, too

27. ReachingGoalsOctober 1,2023 at 3:28PM UTC

    Repeat her words to her. Also, you can always look her straight in the eye and say “do not ever speak to me like that again:. We have a bully in our office, she gets loud. I said to her one day “raising your voice and getting louder will not change the situation”. She didn’t quite know what to say the, and has been more polite with me since. I’ve been dealing with mea women in the workplace for 40 years. It use to be every woman for herself in a mans world, it sucked a there was no such thing as helping each other move up. Deep breath, calm words and speak clearly and with conviction. You can always try “when you are done with your temper tantrum, we can resume this conversation.”

28. AnonymousOctober 1,2023 at 5:09PM UTC

    If you file a formal complaint with the EEOC about abusive workplace the company is required to do an investigation. Since this is an isolated incident with this one person you can document things, take them to HR and that persons manager and ask for them to intervene to have no hostility from them. You could also email or directly speak to this person and tell them their behavior toward you is unacceptable. If nothing changes, only communicate with that person in writing going forward and then you can shut them out. If you need help and ask for their help cc their manager in there for a response and if you dont get one then there is an automatic escalation. Let's others deal with this in their own way because a huge group complaining while it may help may also stir things the other way. Good luck.

29. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 12:49PM UTC

    One of the hardest things for anyone, is when a complaint is made there is confidentiality. There may be a lot of things going on in the background, but can not be discussed with you or others. You can always ask for an update on the investigation status or as some one said file a complaint with EEOC or with your own company's whistleblower hot line if they have one. The person being investigated may not be aware of it and others may have been cautioned about talking about the investigation. Everyone has a right to confidentiality in a complaint process.

30. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 1:33PM UTC

    I had a new supervisor come in and start screaming at one of my teammates in front of the whole team. I made a complaint to the division manager, saying that if you need to have that kind of discussion with a teammate that it should be behind closed doors as there is no need to embarrass the individual publicly or upset the rest of the team. I was told that what the new supervisor did was consistent with company policy and he did nothing wrong. I am pretty sure everyone in ear shot of the public rant put their resumes out on the street the next day. I am happy not to be working there anymore.

31. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 1:50PM UTC

    Keep documenting what you hear and what is said or done by this individual. Encourage the others to do the same. While it may seem that the manager and those in HR are oblivious or don’t care about what is going on…please know that they’re taking everything you you’ve reported into consideration. They have to work methodically and carefully to compile the evidence In documentation and reporting to the EEOC. There was a similar incident to happen where I am employed. We too thought that there wasn’t going to be any disciplinary actions taken. But in the end there were consequences.

32. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 2:49PM UTC

    Sounds like she got passed over for a promotion and is thinking whatever you all are asking her is for someone else to deal with. Is she a co-worker or a supervisor? No excuse for being rude, she should tell you she doesn't know or can't help you in a civil manner. Can you possibly ignore her or know that she's going to be hostile and don't go to her for help. I wonder if your coworkers are asking for help because there's not enough training and this person is frustrated.

33. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 4:09PM UTC

    Unfortunately nothing seems to be done by management in such cases. Some managers do not address issues of a hostile workplace and this leads to loss of good employees. I am keen to hear what HR professionals are saying. Thank you.

34. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 4:22PM UTC

    Sometimes management don't put all this into consideration so long they are getting positive result. So it's left for you the employee to manage and control yourself in a manner that will suit your working environment. Also study your colleagues like book, know when to meet them for help and when not to meet them for help. Sometimes it seems that you meet them for help when you are not suppose to.

35. asmith13October 2,2023 at 6:15PM UTC

    From an HR perspective, I have found that employees really don't know what goes on behind the scenes. Investigations involve interviews with other parties involved and discussions with how to handle the situation, which could and likely has involved some sort of action towards this bullying employee.

    Just because you are not seeing the manager or HR "do anything" doesn't mean that the employee has not been written up or put on a performance plan for the alleged behavior. That type of thing isn't publicly announced to other employees, as that would be confidential information.

36. AnonymousOctober 3,2023 at 9:11AM UTC

    Maybe we know HR doesn't do anything because the same behavior continues. I mean that is the most telling fact.

37. asmith13October 4,2023 at 8:44PM UTC

    Terminating an employee requires some sort of proof of the behavior and you also have to look at it from a liability standpoint. Bullying is a very tough thing to prove. It doesn't mean nothing is being done because they haven't been fired yet, but if the behavior is continuing it should be escalated to the next level of management.

38. AnonymousOctober 3,2023 at 4:39AM UTC

    If someone says follow the chain of command in reporting abuse & bullying in the workplace I tell them no I won't I will take it to whomever I want. Take it to everyone you see fit. Don't stop until you are heard and the bully boss is held accountable . Don't quit either. The boss is far more miserable than you. The leaders and everyone above the boss should be ashamed and the business will have a bad reputation because the one bully they keep will never change. Mental health matters. And so many people who work hard have mental health issues because of hostile work environments. We shouldn't have to quit look for other jobs they should fire the problem.

39. Kimberly AnneOctober 3,2023 at 1:03PM UTC

    They will make you the problem. You can’t take on bullies at work, they will just make you the problem. Life is too short.

40. AnonymousOctober 3,2023 at 4:47AM UTC

    What if your boss doesn’t support you?

41. Bradford McCormickOctober 3,2023 at 7:22AM UTC

    Think carefully.

    I once was faced with a coworker who explained to me that he knew how to do damage to me [i.e., to my body] in a way "that would not leave marks". If you are dealing with somebody like that you need to be alert. And in my case when I reported it to the Vice President he told me he might tfire ME. Fortunately I was on my way to another job and did not want to risk hospitalization, death or loss of the new position. That was the end of my time in that city where I had previously spent most of my life.

    But under peacetime condiions, why not confront the person very POLITELY and explain in a CALM tone of voice to them the situation and RRESPECTFULLY ask them to help make the work situation more productive for everybody, since all of you are there for one single purpose: to benefit your employer, and everybody needs to pull together.

    Will it help? Who knows. But at least you will be able to go to bed knowing you have tried. But repeat: Be entirely calm and polite because they do not deserve it, you do not want to give them any "ammunition" to hurt YOU, and to set a good example for this person and everybody else including the boss.

42. Kimberly AnneOctober 3,2023 at 1:01PM UTC

    I had this happen. My boss said oh she’s been here 30 years. Um ok, then when I brought up other issues it was me. So many came and went from my last position and it was very high turnover for a reason.