No Emotions?

Anonymous

August 30,2023 at 7:46PM UTC

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No Emotions?

My company recently fired my supervisor, which basically tripled my work load. They have brought in an outside "project manager" to help until we can replace my boss. Upper management wants everything on the same schedule as before, but all from me.... however, they give all of my work to my male coworker to "verify". Basically, I do the work and he says "looks good" and that's it. He is not, nor has he ever been my boss. (I've been here for six years doing the same job.) This upset me, but I didn't say anything. Then, male coworker was asked into several meetings without me, covering my job. I have been assured by management that I am very valuable to the team and the project manager is only here temporarily. So why am I not being included?

I'm frustrated. so I went outside and cried in my car. I was apparently seen and reported to HR. I have now been asked to not be "emotional" at work. It's unprofessional, don't ya know? So if you want me at work, 10 hours per day, 5 days per week (yes, that's 50 hours per week), I have to be deadpan while I'm here? I am not in the practice of stifling my emotions at all.

Is this common practice?

"We know you're head is going to pop, but don't be emotional, you're bothering people." They can tell me what to wear, where to be and what to do, but I can't have feelings?

WTH?

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AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 7:58PM UTC
So sorry this has happened to you. I’ve been in your position, and it is frustrating. The “too emotional” thing is concerning to me - in my experience that’s a reason to say you are not promotable. You have a right to be frustrated with this organization. Not because of the extra work, but because of this situation where your co-worker appears to have been selected for leadership, I would consider moving on. I’m sure he’s capable of doing the work. Note the sarcasm here.
maria roseAugust 30,2023 at 8:43PM UTC
Aside from the emotional reaction from the pressure of being expected to perform at a higher level than prior to the supervisor removal, there is an important element left out in this situation. Something occurred in the workplace that is causing a changeover from previous workplace expectations and nothing is mentioned of the distinction of job assignments. Obviously the job being performed doesn’t require a hands on supervisor to get the work done but it still has to be done anyway. I don’t understand why this specific individual feels the need to take on the additional work responsibilities that the supervisor did unless they were told directly to assume those duties, which when they should have said something immediately if they were not capable of physically taking on all the duties for a prolonged period of time. Hence the emotional reaction to being physically exhausted and feeling unappreciated. I think that the company is lowering their staff level of employees and is not necessarily looking to increase the number of people with titles if that’s the goal of this person who submitted this post. Obviously, the company values this person’s performance but this person prefers a title role compensation for their work performance instead and feels overlooked for that role over their “male” coworker in their attempt to include discrimination bias into the situation. I suggest that this individual who ties their emotional state to their job, needs to consider whether their path forward with company is serving their best needs in all aspects—financial and professional development in the long range prospect. The key is to look at it as calmly as possible. I don’t advise leaving the position without knowing the options—between staying at this job or finding another job and if the decision is to quit don’t quit without another job lined up. It doesn’t sound like this person is likely to lose this job but they are frustrated with the present workplace situation.
AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 10:10PM UTC
You will continually find yourself excluded and your role diminished until they offer the speech " thank you so much for all your hard work, we could not have done it without you.....here's your final check and little something extra.
We've decided to go in another direction and your position is no longer needed".......
Before that happens, start getting your ducks in a row.
AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 11:59PM UTC
I would have cried in my car too out of totally being frustrated!!!!
Those people that "manage" you are clueless
Years ago, the firm I was at was in the process of being sold. My managers and I were on good terms....I thought.
I was asked to work on this huge project that my predecessor had before she quit. Management loved it and the new people felt the same - "this is great, you did all this?" (I had no help and I gave an enthusiastic yes, thank you")
Their words: you don't have to lie. (I wasn't, I promise!!)
A week later I was out on severance and a letter of recommendation.
Some people don't get it and never will.
Karma got them because part of the role was to make sure anyone on insurance AFTER they left was to be discontinued. For 18 months they paid for mine!!! I know this because insurance company sent me a letter illustrating I was ", just dropped". A year and a half later.
My replacement evidently...
Hang in there: a new start!!! Polish your resume
AnonymousAugust 31,2023 at 1:27PM UTC
First of all, seems petty AF to me to report someone crying in their car. FFS it could have been a death in the family for all they knew. Regardless, we're humans, not robots. We HAVE EMOTIONS.
Secondly... personally, I have cried A LOT over my jobs. Why? Because I CARED about the job and the impact it had on others (customers). Yeah, frustration also comes out of my eyes.
As for the source of your frustration (and 1000% valid, by the way), you really need to speak directly with this temp Project Manager and/or upper management. With all of this change in the organization, you really deserve clear expectations and responsibilities. Were you assigned your prior manager's duties, or did you just take them on because you saw the need, and/or an opportunity to prove and position yourself for that job? If you WANT that job, now is the time to speak up! If they tell you that you're too emotional for the job, then this is clearly not the company/culture for you.
AnonymousAugust 31,2023 at 2:34PM UTC
You need to find out who told HR you were crying and confront them as to why they did show any concern for you and ask why you were crying. You did not mention if HR contacted you to ask why you were crying. Did HR reach out to you? If so, what did they ask or say? Did you assume the extra duties or were you informed that you will be doing more?
You have a right to ask management why your not included in the meetings since your doing the work.
Stand up for yourself. You are not being treated fairly.
Kate WadeAugust 31,2023 at 3:15PM UTC
Oh girl, this is wrong on so many levels. It's a red flag if there ever was one. What kind of work do you do? It may benefit you to start looking - your mental health and dignity matter more than any man's ego.
AnonymousAugust 31,2023 at 8:29PM UTC
As an HR professional I'm horrified that someone reported you crying in your car and the response was to reprimand you for being emotional! I would document your concerns, as you have here but very factually, and share them with HR or your "skip level" manager along with some suggestions on what you would see to be a more equitable allocation of work responsibilities.
Diana SchneidmanSeptember 1,2023 at 2:04PM UTC
How about simply standing up at 5 pm every day and leaving? The situation looks hopeless. Simply say to yourself "I don't care" and try to get your tear ducts to believe it. Maybe they'll fire you which would be pretty funny since who would do all that work then? And of course you'll have more time and energy to look for another job.
AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 3:30PM UTC
Wow. Toxic with a capital T. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's clearly time to get out. Your mental and physical health is everything. You deserve so much better. Get that resume out there and rest in the knowledge that you'll be leaving soon. Keep us posted!!
AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 4:01PM UTC
Girlfriend, who reported you to HR and what did you say to them when you found out? I hope you told them you were dealing with a loss and needed to get out of the office to deal with that. Be sure you don't make it about work if you ever get emotional about work things.
Now, dust yourself off and march right back into HR or better yet your old bosses boss, and let them know that your extra work product needs to be recognized and that you want inclusion in the meetings where the work you have done is discussed. If they don't do that then gracefully decline anything that has been heaped on your plate since your boss left, or if you cannot muster up doing that then keep track in a spreadsheet all the extra things that you are doing above and beyond your usual job. If you have been doing this and consistently working 50 hour weeks and continue to do this then you need to also ask for time away paid for the extra work that you are doing. Be firm but not unpleasant when you ask for this and document when and who you spoke to.
I would also advise them that you are human - clearly they do not know this and they need to be respectful of you and your needs as a human in their workforce. You appreciate that they value you there but they also need to value you as you not just a worker bee and they should realize that the extra burden on you is creating and inbalance for you in your life. You need to let them know what YOU need not just follow what they need. Ask for it and if you don't get the professional respect - listen carefully to their words when they respond, then it's time to look for a new employer. I would if that is the case not wait until they find a replacement for your boss who left.
misskelleypSeptember 1,2023 at 5:38PM UTC
EXCELLENT advice
AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 5:37PM UTC
I told my old boss that I cry at work because I am SO angry, and killing him is illegal. So if I'm crying, you should run. He took that to heart - which is good, because I MEANT it. I have spent many years building my reputation as an excellent performer, but not someone to be crossed. It's worked for me, but wouldn't for everyone. For you, I'd suggest that you schedule a time with your current manager, rehearse what you're going to say so that you can be "businesslike" (ie not "emotional") and go through how your workload has increased, that you have someone looking over (blessing) your work who has never done it, is not your supervisor, and that feels insulting. Ask if they doubt your ability to correctly complete the work? Then point out that occasionally employees are actually human, and you took a few minutes to excuse yourself to your car, an assumed private space to vent your emotions, which you felt would be more professional than doing so in the office. Good luck.
Sidney BristowSeptember 1,2023 at 8:20PM UTC
Like an old broken-down soda machine, when an employer hangs a sign and says "Out of Order," we need to believe that employer and quit giving out our hard-earned quarters (and our sanity)!
Run, and pass the lessons along to another woman when she needs them.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this with us. Nothing but the best to you.
Renee PociopaSeptember 1,2023 at 9:05PM UTC
Upset that you cried in the privacy of your CAR? Jeez, even the Wall Street types I worked with were ok with tears as long as you shed them in the bathroom.
First of all, don't give Male Co-worker your work to check anymore. Just don't. Send it straight on to whoever is supposed to get it. If they complain, tell them it's a waste of time because he never has any criticisms for your work.
Second. I know this is hard, but it worked for me, so worth trying. Keep telling yourself: THEY are the problem, NOT YOU. THEY had to hire an outside person because they couldn't get what they needed internally. THEY snitched on you in your car because snitching is the only way they can advance themselves. THEY are scum, and not a reflection of who you are at all.
Hopefully that will give you a little bit of inner peace and help move your emotions from sad self-blame to disgust. And that will give you a little power back.
Liz MilneSeptember 4,2023 at 1:54AM UTC
Oh, please, find another (better) job and leave - if male colleague is being given all the credit (which is what it sounds like to me), let him have the whole damn job; fall on his face and then they'll maybe realise what they've lost... (And that's not even touching on the harm this is all doing to your mental health; who the f*!! reports someone for crying in their own car??? Only an a**hole!)