I'm looking for advice on how to undo a toxic work relationship that I helped create.

Anonymous

November 20,2023 at 5:16PM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

I'm looking for advice on how to undo a toxic work relationship that I helped create. I started working at my current company ten years ago as a young and naive 22 yr old. Despite my lack of experience, I had more education and a great family/support system growing up, which made me more mature than many of my peers in our division. I formed an odd relationship with one of my coworkers that I would not describe as a friendship, but she had so little support in her life, she leaned on me for big decisions in her life and told me every detail of her life. I would describe it as a parent just trying to get a neighbor kid not to play in traffic. I should have known better, but I allowed her to become more and more intrusive on my time for every little whim of drama she experienced in her life. I tried very hard to give her sound, impartial, and non-personal advice (which she never took and then would come complain about the next thing---most recently that she had a baby with a nan who did not respect her or want a child, whom she cannot financially afford.---Just an example of an ongoing issue she tells me about). My issue is in the 11 years I've worked at my office, I've been promoted several times and am now her boss. The dynamic (I've helped foster) is extremely toxic and I don't know how to extricate myself. In addition, because we work in a field where we always need to be available, she has access to my home phone numbers, address, social media accounts, etc. It feels like I cannot get away from it. I want to be sensitive to the fact that she is unstable in every area of her life, with zero support, and is struggling. I have so much empathy for that, however, this cannot continue. I also feel guilty and so mad at myself that I let this happen. If this were a friendship outside the office I would pay for therapy, but i'm unsure of how to move forward now.

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

46 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

46 Comments

Join the conversation

AnonymousNovember 20,2023 at 5:23PM UTC
Oh wow. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position, but I can definitely see how that happens. My initial thoughts here is to maybe have a frank/firm conversation with her that as you are now her boss, the dynamics of your relationship need to change. Highly recommend pointing her in the direction of your company's EAP to seek out the counseling she does apparently need.
AnonymousNovember 21,2023 at 2:09PM UTC
why don’t you change your perspective and feel good that you made a positive impact in someone else’s life and your empathy is I’m sure very much appreciated. Don’t break her trust in you by betraying and ending the friendship. It’s apparent it’s been done by others hence why she is dependent on you as a sounding board. Remind her of her positives and validate her strength but it should also be a time of setting boundaries. In the meantime work on yourself with acceptance that others are different than you. Count your blessings you don’t walk in her shoes but karma has a way of humbling people who don’t have time for others.
KatNovember 20,2023 at 8:00PM UTC
Establishing boundaries with this person is long overdue. This is the perfect opportunity to change your personal and professional relationship with this person. You have to realize that while you mean well, you can't fix her problems for her. She doesn't seem to want them fixed, since she keeps creating new ones (like having a child she couldn't afford with someone that didn't want one). Some people like/attract drama and chaos to their lives. That doesn't mean you have to participate in it. Direct her to your company's EAP so they can put her in touch with the appropriate social service agencies to provide the support she is lacking. Tell her that you are her boss now and things need to change between you two. Don't spend time with her outside of work (including calls about non-work events) and make it clear why. Don't listen to her drama. Don't follow her on social media. [If by "access to social media accounts" means she has your passwords, change them. That's something she doesn't need to have.] Focus on your work relationship. She will have to adhere to the same standards as everyone else in the office for performance and attendance. If she can't do that, she can (and will) be fired if it comes to that. You will not bail her out because of your past closeness because you can't show her favoritism. Keep it professional and cordial going forward, but not personal. I know this is going to be difficult. You can expect a ton resistance from her on this (talking about non-work things, asking for advice about her latest trauma/drama, crying, guilt trips, anger, manipulation or some combination of those tactics) but you need to be firm. Things need to change between you in order for you to both grow and become mature independent adults.
AnonymousNovember 21,2023 at 1:56PM UTC
100% agree with Kat
AnonymousNovember 20,2023 at 8:55PM UTC
You need to have a very pointed and specific conversation with her about how your relationship at work has changed. You do not have the cycles, nor is it appropriate to be her "bestie." If she is desperate for someone to talk to, let her know that your company offers an EAP (assuming they do). It may be drastic and disruptive, but if you have to change your numbers and back away from posting on social media. Impress her that you are now responsible for a whole organization and have to split your time between everyone. If she spends an hour in your office, you would have to spend the same amount of time with all the others, which you don't have time for. My husband would say, don't get caught up in her tornado.
AnonymousNovember 20,2023 at 9:22PM UTC
Be very clear and concise and honest. Be clear with you boundaries and stick to them. Suggest she takes advantage of the company's EAP if you have one.
Alexis GladstoneNovember 21,2023 at 1:43PM UTC
I agree with Kat's detailed advice about setting boundaries now that your work relationship has changed. Years ago I had a really good friend at work. We were true friends both in and outside of work. When the company was doing a reorg I had two opportunities for roles, one of them would be reporting to her. She sat me down and said that while she would be happy to have me on her team, our relationship would have to change since she would now be my manager. I chose door #2.
While it sounds like this individual may not react to the conversation in the same way I did, it still needs to be said and then enforced.
AnonymousNovember 21,2023 at 1:45PM UTC
Please, as you take all the good advice provided, make sure to change all your numbers, etc., and unfriend this person on social media. She could really make a lot of trouble for you - I’ve experienced it. I know you will be as kind as you can with the message, and don’t beat yourself up - we all learn as we go!
AnonymousNovember 21,2023 at 2:03PM UTC
As others have mentioned, have that discussion with her, make those clear boundaries very clear as the dynamic has changed, offer her to speak to HR and have them guide her to any company EAP for assistance, then you need to make sure you change your social media passwords and either mute or block her during this time of transition. Maybe have a brief conversation with HR yourself to let them know you’ve been trying to be a supportive work partner but that it’s too much for you now and as her supervisor, it’s very uncomfortable and you do worry about her well being but are unable to be that type of friend she needs; and you need to focus on your own healthy work environment to continue thriving. You may also need to have a third party present if she asks to have a meeting or talk with you (likely, one of your HR partners) as there will need to be a shift in how she approaches you and you accept her meetings. It may be a bit of a challenge for you both, but very necessary. Do expect some sort of clapback or resistance on her part when her access to you becomes more prohibitive. Always keep the boundaries in check and always make sure you have a third party available when she asks to speak to you. It’s for both your and her safety and to redirect patterns to a more professional level. Explaining that you wish to foster a positive work relationship is a priority for you, but with each promotion you accept, the work load and responsibilities to the company and others are a priority and you may not be the best person to listen to her when she needs an ear. But that’s why HR (or the company EAP) has been brought in… because this is part of the work they do and have the skills and connections to help. It’s such a difficult situation to be in and I applaud and appreciate your empathy. Never lose that element of yourself. But you must put yourself in a better place professionally as a supervisor and also protect yourself in the process. So, approach HR and get a clear path forward to help this coworker lean less on you and learn to accept help from people who are there to do that. It’s just no longer a focus you can have with your current role.
AnonymousNovember 21,2023 at 2:32PM UTC
That is the problem, people should KNOW the moment they enter the work force, these are your CO workers, not your friends. It sucks because now you have to dial back. would sit down and talk to her face to face and explain that you want to set certain bounderies. the reasons behind it. she wont be happy about it, but if she acts in an unprofessionnal manner at work or stalks you outside of work, then it will need to be dealth with in a professionnal manner at work. i fell you wanted to help this person, not that you LIKE her as a friend.
AnonymousNovember 21,2023 at 3:15PM UTC
I recently went through something similar, and it helped lead to my being let go. I made the mistake of being friendly with a 42-year-old woman that has every ailment she can think of. She constantly, and I mean, constantly bragged about herself even in group meetings. She made some really bizarre comments, but because she really does know her job, she is tolerated. She also lied all.the.time. After I was hospitalized briefly for a medical condition, I decided to just be cordial when I went back, no more personal conversations. She turned against me with the higher-ups. I am honestly relieved to be out of that toxic environment. People with emotional challenges need to be avoided at work, sorry if that sounds cruel. I hope things resolve for you.
AnonymousNovember 21,2023 at 3:50PM UTC
Please don't blame yourself so strongly.
This person has been selfishly siphoning your attention and energy while using you as her quasi therapist and emotionally dumping on you.
There's a lot of great advice on this thread- it's time to draw boundaries due to the new reporting structure and refer her to a new personal support resource.
Leader135412November 21,2023 at 5:02PM UTC
Some people just can't fix themselves. and they will always lean on you if they know your always there. It's like helping your friend change their flat tire. they know their tires are bald. And you send them on their way and they will not avoid the potholes in the road of life. Because you will always fix their flat for them. These people are energy vampires. Just tell her " don't worry about it, it'll all work itself out" and go back to whatever it was you were doing.
She must have a Mom or a sister or auntie she could talk to, instead of dragging her personal drama to work. She isn't your responsibility.
Tami CannizzaroNovember 21,2023 at 5:24PM UTC
Sorry about this tough situation. Congrats on your new position! I've been in similar where you have to manage people who were friends and the dynamic has shifted.
Great advice already posted; going to share my thoughts that could be woven in. With your new position you cannot be seen as "playing favorites". This message may help when you speak to her. "I know we've spent extra time visiting in the past; unfortunately my new role demands more of me and I'm not able to do that any longer. And I must spend equal time and energy with each of my direct reports; I'm sure you understand the tremendous pressure I'm under and will respect this"
If/when she tries to talk to you about non-work stuff, the response is, "I'm sorry, I can't talk about this with you". Or "I've got a deadline" or "I'm busy" - something that's professional yet "No".
She's not going to like it yet will eventually get the message. Best of luck!
AnonymousNovember 21,2023 at 6:16PM UTC
Hi, I had a quite similar situation with a colleague who worked with me some time ago. The only difference is that she thanks to me eventually became my boss.
Before that she was permanently unhappy with her work situation and her life. Just like your colleague she would come to me and complain, about nearly everything, in an exaggerated way. (An example: She'd buy a new apartment in a newly built house so the fences were not there yet - a reason to be unhappy and complain about the company who are responsible for the building.)
I worked less hours than her during that time because for me my work-life balance was important. She worked more hours, was my senior (and gained more) and complained about her workload (yes, she also had a possibility to reduce her workload just like me) and about our boss. When our boss left the company I thought that it would be great if she'd became our new manager (since she criticised our boss and seemed to have, despite her negativity, some leadership competencies).
So I decided and talked to colleagues and we started coaching her. I thought that this would finally make her happy and content.
She became my boss and guess what, she continued to be unhappy when she was around me.
Long story short: You can't change an energy vampire. They fastly become used to behave in a particular way when they are around you.
Back to your case, you also see it yourself that this is a toxic situation that you helped create. It's time to set some boundaries and redefine the relationship with your colleague since you have a different role now. You write that it's not a friendship but more a parent-child-kind-of relationship. Apparently it doesn't work - that person is not your child and cannot be rescued that way. When I was in that situation a book Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend) helped me understand that sometimes we are not really helping people even when we are trying to help.
So ask yourself: Did your helping really helped her? For me it seems that she is a person who isn't in control of her own life. And you can only help her by letting her take responsibility.
Moreover, are you really sure that she doesn't have no support in her life? I am asking because I'd thought the same about my colleague that I described above. Funny fact: Energy vampires are not always poor souls who need to be rescued. I am talking from my own experience.
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 5:37AM UTC
Agree with that particular book recommendation. It is tops
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 1:36PM UTC
Navigating a situation like this can indeed be challenging, and it's clear that you're approaching it with a lot of empathy. Here's a more conversational take on some steps you could consider:
1. Heart-to-Heart Conversation:
Find a quiet moment to have an honest conversation. Let her know how much you value her as a colleague but that you've noticed a shift in the dynamics that you both need to address to maintain a professional working relationship.
2. Share Your Growth:
Reflect on your own growth over the years and how your roles have evolved. Emphasize that your responsibilities have changed, and as a result, you need to establish some clear boundaries to ensure that work-related matters take precedence during work hours.
3. Gradual Changes:
Instead of a sudden shift, make gradual changes in how you interact. Redirect conversations gently, and focus more on work-related discussions. This can help ease into a more professional dynamic without making her feel isolated.
4. Encourage Independence:
Frame the shift positively by encouraging her to take more ownership of her work. Express confidence in her abilities to make decisions independently and handle challenges on her own.
5. Personal Growth Resources:
If it feels appropriate, mention resources like employee assistance programs or counseling services provided by the company. Frame it as a way for both of you to access additional support for personal and professional growth.
6. Mutual Well-being:
Highlight the importance of a positive and healthy work environment for both of you. Stress that this change is not about distancing yourself but about creating a better balance that benefits everyone in the long run.
7. HR as a Last Resort:
Mention that you want to handle things between yourselves, but if necessary, HR is there to support both of you in maintaining a healthy working relationship.
8. Reassurance:
Reassure her that you still value her as a colleague and appreciate her contributions to the team. This isn't about personal feelings but about creating a more professional workspace.
Maggie StoneNovember 22,2023 at 1:49PM UTC
First, it sounds like this started out as you being supportive and helpful.
This was well intentioned, so don’t blame yourself. Agree with others that firm boundaries need to be set. For example, have a weekly lunch to catch up or set limits on your time (e.g I have 5 minutes now, but we can talk over lunch tomorrow). but she doesn’t have free rein on your time. Consider unfollowing her on social media. Encourage her to get therapy or build other sources of support. She may not like or probably won’t like these boundaries, but that’s ok. Keep in mind that the nicest thing is not always the most loving thing.
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 1:58PM UTC
No one in your workplace NEEDS access to your social media or home address. You should remove her from social media, get a new home phone number, and a dedicated work cell phone number that you share. When it comes to her personal issues, you take longer to respond, until eventually you don’t respond. If she asks why, or you could just tell her without the quiet ghosting, that your position as her boss conflicts with your knowledge of her personal problems and you would never want to pre-judge her work based on personal bias. Your employer must have an EAP referral source. If not, find one for her.
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 2:01PM UTC
Id like to say that I feel for you. I had a similar experience with a co-worker in my first corporate job. It is a hard balance to strike between being supportive and being someone they bitch at about their life.
Since you have now taken on a direct report role, I think its time to set some hard and fast boundaries.
First - Social media should never play a role in the workplace, for the exception of LinkedIn. Facebook, etc. are for personal lives only. Start by limiting what she sees. Second - you still need to set boundaries of when to call at home, off hours, etc. I understand your industry requires the need to be available, but that needs to only be used for work subjects. Third (and possibly the most important) - it is not your job to fix them. You can offer support in a professional manner, but you need to put down the line about when enough is enough. If she keeps ignoring your advice, then pull out the 'I told you so' card enough and she might get it. Also suggest she go to professional therapy. Are there any HR benefits for mental health she can access? You as her manager can have a sit down with her and HR and go through other benefits that you may be able to offer her. And lastly - she's a grown woman. If she made the decision to have a child with a man who doesn't respect her or who even wanted a child (he should have wrapped it or gotten snipped), then thats on her. That is not your burden to bear.
I had a personal relationship with my last boss - shes one of my best friends. We had to put on our 'work' hats and our 'friend' hats. We'd schedule time in our days after work to catch up on more personal things, but kept to the job while we were on the clock. This would be something you could shoot for. Tell her politely that you need to keep things professional while at the office and you can grab a cup of coffee with her afterhours to chat. That will start the foundation of boundaries.
I hope this helps - sorry it was a bit of a ramble!
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 2:13PM UTC
The company I work for actually paid for an employee's therapy once. Is that an option? It's the only time it ever happened, but she was considered a valuable employee and the company wanted to retain her and thought her mental health and her affect on other employees was important to help.
Brenda CrawshawNovember 22,2023 at 2:19PM UTC
Hi there Anonymous - I would like to posit that you might be in the wrong place.
Fairygodboss is a SUPPORTIVE community, where even if we may disagree with someone, we respond with the degree of respect and kindness we would expect from other professionals. When called for, we encourage each other with *constructive* criticism, not destructive language and assumptions.
Should you wish to use forums of this type to expunge yourself of negativity, I suggest you seek out and engage in communities where the type of feedback you've provided is more valued than it is here.
Please accept this in the spirit in which it was intended.
Brenda CrawshawNovember 22,2023 at 2:26PM UTC
First, I want you to know that I have very much been in your shoes and it is so, so difficult. On the one hand you don't want to abandon someone who clearly sees you as a lifeline. On the other hand though, your friend's inability to grow has caused your support to become enablement. And this is NOT on you unless you continue the pattern.
You've received some great advice in two longer posts below and I would encourage you to read them through a few times and perhaps make some notes.
I wholeheartedly agree with being as honest as you can be with this person. If not for you but also for her! And you can share that with her. Tell her that you know she has more potential than she's stepping into and that you care more about her being happy forever than just "right now".
In the beginning it may feel like it's harder to redirect her in the ways you choose but you will eventually see that these action focused efforts are easier and more effective than your reactionary ones.
Hang in there and keep us posted.
(And don't listen to the bitter people - they are probably envious that your friend had you and they didn't!)
Dena B.November 22,2023 at 2:38PM UTC
I feel for you. In my first job I made friends with a girl who reported to me and things went sideways when her life did. The benefit you may have is that she didn't always report to you. If that change is recent, use it as a reason to make a change to your relationship. Be honest. As your boss, not just your peer, this friendship is inappropriate. Be prepared. She may get angry, act out, cry. Hold firm. You'll be so relieved once the ties are cut. But it won't be easy.
The lesson I learned from it was to keep a healthy boundary with coworkers who report to me or I think ever could. I have work friends that I even see outside of the office but they are outside of my dept and they are few. I'm 48 now, and can only tell you that this will get better once you've cut her out of your life and you will learn from it. And, along with a previous poster, keep social media out of work relationships. Unfriend all coworkers and if anyone asks, you were doing it across the board, trying to set some boundaries for yourself.
Hillery SaccoNovember 22,2023 at 2:51PM UTC
I highly recommend dropping her from social media beyond LinkedIn. If you need to address why - as we are now in a manager/subordinate relationship, I feel it best that we have personal boundaries.
If she continues to come to you with personal matters, listen, but hold back on advice. She's not followed your advice over the years so stop offering it up. Perhaps acknowledge "that sounds difficult", etc., but leave it at that. And redirect to a project or work deliverable. The dynamic will naturally change as you become less involved/invested in her personal life.
Vivian HwaNovember 22,2023 at 3:01PM UTC
Drop her, but drop ALL your coworkers and say it's a personal policy and decision. Which is probably a good idea anyway... Say you have had instances in the last x months or whatever and some of your own personal things where this boundary needs to be drawn now. She doesn't need to know it's her.
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 3:27PM UTC
You just have to straight up tell her that now that you're the boss, you need to step out of her personal life in order to be a responsible and fair supervisor to her and your other reports (i.e. no favoritism). She will find another sounding board. People like this have a way of satisfying that need.
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 3:44PM UTC
This sounds like she has cluster B traits (borderline/narcissism). With people like this, they have a fear of abandonment and/or need for power/control. As you distance yourself, be prepared for unprofessional behavior (chaos) and her crossing even more boundaries, triangulation and getting people to take her side (just like her unstable personal life). If she does this, you will have to start documenting everything and will have to probably let her go.
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 11:04PM UTC
Could be garden variety anxiety, dependency personality, or someone who can't think of anything to talk about if they're not complaining. We know too little to offer any diagnosis.
Sharon LewisNovember 23,2023 at 2:02AM UTC
Though she's damaged, she's very much in control of this situation. Unfortunately you'll have to watch your back at every turn and as someone else said, document everything. People like this turn on you in a flash when you cut off their fuel.
Chasity BusbeeNovember 22,2023 at 3:50PM UTC
I would let her know that the conversation is not appropriate and you apologize for allowing it previously. However, moving forward, she needs to keep her personal life separate from work. You have to remain professional and unbiased in your new role and cannot allow someone else to get too personal with you. It makes it hard to have objectivity and coach her when needed.
Alexandria WagnerNovember 22,2023 at 5:34PM UTC
This is what I came here to say. Agree wholeheartedly.
AnonymousNovember 23,2023 at 2:42PM UTC
'Til she feels rejected and gets retaliatory.
AnonymousNovember 28,2023 at 5:34PM UTC
If communicated correctly, and as stated above, she should understand the boundaries put in place. If she reacts in a negative way, then HR should be notified.
Diana AndreNovember 22,2023 at 4:56PM UTC
As someone with 20years of experience in management and leadership, I absolutely WOULD NOT just tell her we ca not talk blah blah there a so many complexities to humans, feelings etc. First, do you have other options? Can she be part of a different team? Do you have good relationship with other of your counterparts that could help you make a switch? You may not necessarily need to divulge the reason for the switch perhaps she would be a better fit on a different team because she has certain strengths that would be best utilized on a diferent team. Of course, be tactical about the switch. You can slowly and gently build in conversation about how demanding your new role is and the strict leadership expectations that you have to adhere to but you want to approach this cautiously not out of fear but our fragility as humans is that ALL people do not like the feeling of rejection, being told "No" and you dont want her admiration of you (likely as a trusted, thought leader) to turn into resentment that NOW you have "arrived" you don't have time for her or you were just "playing" nice to move up the ladder. At times, when people are being considered for promotions, mgmt also likes to get the pulse from a few folks that either interact, collaborate, or will be working with the prospect. Did she have a say in terms of your promotion? Were there times she sung your praises to key folks? Tread lightly. Do create boundaries , particularly if personally you are being affected. You can point her to EAP -Employment Assistance Program which is usually offered at many jobs where they provide a certain number of free counseling sessions you can get referrals from them or find thePsychology site where you search and filter to find good therapist or counselors using your companies coverage.
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 7:12PM UTC
If anything, at least you are being honest. But it may be that you may need to create more boundaries since you are a supervisor now. You could perhaps get counseling through your employers Employee Assistance program.
If you could transfer to another location or company, it would actually be better.
AnonymousNovember 22,2023 at 7:53PM UTC
I think you have to sit her down, let her know that you value her as a person and as a work mate but that at this point you think she needs professional guidance. Offer up a list of potential therapists or the companies EAP program. Let her also know that you need to put a bit of distance into the relationship and want her to know it up front so that she is not disappointed but that you need this space. Give her timeline guides for when to reach you at home and set your phone to mute her outside of those lines. It will sting for her for a bit but explain to her that expanding the places she gets support will be good for her.
AnonymousNovember 23,2023 at 2:40PM UTC
Suggesting EAP is a good idea if it's available but I'd also advise the OP to suggest it to all employees she oversees during an annual review or some other appropriate time. Just let ppl know the benefit exists. I would not sit the employee down and suggest professional guidance and tell her she's no longer going to be an ally. This employee seems to have a lot of issues and I wouldn't put it past her to punish the OP in some way after being 'rejected.' No good deed goes unpunished at work.
AnonymousNovember 23,2023 at 6:11PM UTC
Respectfully, I completely disagree. She would be doing that gal a favor and being honest and truthful is rare these days, in this situation it definitely needs to be addressed.
Lori Hall FergusonNovember 22,2023 at 9:12PM UTC
Please don't try to sit her down and have a conversation. This will only ensure hurt feelings and possibly hostility. You have admitted you have a role in this relationship, so just redefine your role and start setting some boundaries. You do NOT need to announce them. Make yourself unavailable to her phone calls by asking if this is work related. If not, excuse yourself politely and possibly with a white lie if necessary. Repeat this over and over with the same neutral tone. Friendly, but professional at all times.
Crystal HowellNovember 23,2023 at 1:26PM UTC
Block her from all personal outlets.
Keep professional, answer only work concerns.
Spend time with other direct co workers
Don't repeat anything she said
Stay busy
Document and keep her emails.
Respond professionally and change all passwords and account numbers if you have to.
Good luck
Heather BinghamNovember 23,2023 at 1:42PM UTC
You don't need a therapist - you need a coach. You'll have the answers you need, but you probably cannot drag them all out, examine them and put them in order. It is a very tall order for an individual in your position to do this under their own steam, especially when they have 99 other things to concentrate on. As a coach, though, I help people with problems such as these and I don't think it is beyond your power with that sort of assistance to reset the relationship. Any coach worth their salt will also show you that to blame yourself is unnecessary - it isn't a question of saying "Don't blame yourself" or "There, there, you're OK", but rather "Blame is absolutely not necessary or desirable to find the path to move this forward". By the way, you can legitimately ask your office to pay for a coach, even if you wouldn't ask them to pay for a therapist. They may say no, but give it a try.
AnonymousNovember 23,2023 at 2:36PM UTC
While I have never been in your shoes, I also started a professional job in my early 20s after grad school. I was gaslit into leaving after 24 years so I'm no longer there. But I sometimes think about things I would've done differently had I not started that job at 24. Please try not to blame yourself for doing what you did at 22. Was it the best decision? No. But did you realize that at the time? No. I would say now, document everything and do your best to keep talks to work only. Are you saying things like: I hear you but it's best to keep this dicussion to what happens at work/with that project/whatever that's work related? Just ignore everything outside of work. Literally don't comment if she goes on. Don't engage. Don't enable. Bring it back to the job. I wouldn't explain why your r'ship has changed and why you can no longer act like you did in the past. It might open you to issues with your bosses b/c she might turn on you. If you haven't read a bunch of current mgmt research, you might consider doing that. Good luck.
AnonymousNovember 23,2023 at 3:25PM UTC
Hi there,
wow I totally understand your predicament.
I would give you the his advice, partly from my HR perspective -!l and another on a personal level.
if your colleague is struggling, you need to flag your concerns as duty of care being her line manager to HR, with the hope they can implement an Employee Assistance Program or similar to help your colleague with the bigger life concerns.
On intrusive communication, this is actually a workplace issue and you should absolutely discuss an update needed to the policies surrounding the right to switch off from work. In this day and age, with flexibility and hybrid working. Intrusion in non working hours is a hot topic and the is negatively effecting you. Wrap this issue up in a wellness policy. It doesn’t have to be targeted solely at this person.
finally: from my personal opinion, there are many different characters and personalities, we are all individual. Your colleague is benefiting from channeling her problems to you. Not just on a comfort level, but on an energy level she is draining you.
I knew someone exactly the same ‘an energy vampire’ and I had to tell her finally when I realised she was actually just feeding off the attention, that I needed to distance myself because I needed to look after my own mental welfare as I was feeling so drained generally. I flipped it back to her, in the nicest possible way.
With an EAP in place, you can redirect her to a new set of ears.
Again, non-HR, I would recommend reading on Pathological Narcissism. I don’t condone labelling in anyway, and we certainly mustn’t do this in the workplace, we can’t diagnose but there may be some practical tips on what to do. Your friend voicing themself as a victim over such a long time suggests they may like the lens to be focussed on them. Unless…. they really are the unluckiest person in the world.
good luck!
Wanda ShawNovember 25,2023 at 10:36AM UTC
First of all, don’t pound yourself over a choice you made years ago when trying to guide this co-worker. You sound like a caring and concerned person. What you did was noble and nice and nothing to be ashamed of. However, with your new role, you’ll have to establish new boundaries with your now subordinate. You can have a “final” pep talk/chat letting her know in a kind but firm way that she can no longer come to you with her personal issues because you no longer have the time or wherewithal to help talk her through while being her manager at the same time. It would be a conflict of interest and most likely frowned upon by the company. Strongly suggest counseling or social services to help her navigate life. Also, have an in office meeting with her and the rest of the team advising them that any contacts made to you by phone or social media should be about business only. It seems that this employee has been using you as a crutch. It’s now time for her to both grow up and wise up.
AnonymousDecember 18,2023 at 4:12PM UTC
Original poster here---Thank you all so much for taking the time to write great advice! I truly feel very grateful to have found this group. I will establish boundaries and keep firm on those boundaries. It has been very helpful to be given the language to use and the consequences for setting them so I know what to expect. To the person concerned that I would simply drop her, that will not happen. One, she is a direct report, so that is impossible. Secondly, although she is an energy/time vampire, she is still a human being trying to better herself, as we all are on the road of life. It is my job as a manager to make sure I'm leaving marks and not scars, pushing her to realize her own potential. Thanks again everyone! I'll update you in a few months to see how it went!