How do I get over a coworker who drives me crazy?

Anonymous

January 30,2024 at 7:38PM UTC

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How do I get over a coworker who drives me crazy?

I hired her, she was fresh out of college and I gave her a chance.

She thinks very highly of me but is suffocating and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I've seen (and discussed) how she responds to someone/ difficult situations. She shuts down and distances herself.

I don't want to do that to her because I see incredible potential.

She struggles with taking action. So often she's very capable of making decisions but won't make them without asking me first.

I've never yelled or gotten mad at her.

I've encouraged her...told her that I trust her and that she needs to trust herself.

She comes at me from every angle.

She'll text me, facebook message me, snapchat me, instagram message me, tiktok me.

It's too much and it's making my ability to separate work life harder.

She follows me around.

If I stop to talk to someone, she'll stop and stand there.

Her physical proximity is so close that if I take half a step back, I would run into her.

I've commented on this before.

She intrudes on my conversations. We have a shared workspace, which is already a challenge. If I engage with anyone, she'll immediately stop working, turn and listen. She's not a part of the conversation or actively being engaged, but will just stop to be a part of it.

I want to help her grow and develop, but I'm afraid if I address any of the above items head on, she'll shut down and withdrawal.

Any recommendations?

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Dolores DuncanJanuary 30,2024 at 8:12PM UTC
Maybe she has somewhat of a lower self esteem issues. Consider it when she annoys you the next time. Maybe do a tiny bit of research on how to build up a person's self esteem in the workplace.
AnonymousJanuary 30,2024 at 8:30PM UTC
It sounds like she looks up to you, but she's replicating high school behavior because she doesn't have much professional experience. Think about how young girls flock to one another and then follow around whoever the ring leader is.
IMO, the first step should be to block her on social media and explain to her that boundaries are important for a successful professional life and work/life balance.
The second step would be to ask her directly to make a list on what she wants to learn about in order of priority and then begin planning to teacher her what she wants to know. You may have to say things like, 'Don't you have something to work on', when she buts into your non related conversations but hopefully she'll get the picture.
Barb HansenJanuary 30,2024 at 10:19PM UTC
This is what I would do:
-- I would set a boundary on how I want to be communicated with (email, slack, teams are okay but any other form of social media is not okay and that I won't answer any of those message) and the times that I am available (no after hours outreach unless there is a "someone is dying" emergency. I would tell her that it's not just her, that I have this rule for everyone.
-- In a setting away from work (I would take my colleague out for lunch), I would offer to be her mentor and if she accepts, I would schedule 30 minutes a week to discuss any issues or problems she is having. I would also mention that mentor/mentee relationships work better when there is concentrated time to discuss issues so she should save all of the daily in-coming messages to me until those meetings.
-- I would tell her that although I'm taking the role as her mentor, it's really important to her career growth that she stays focus at work and it's a learned skill to not stop working when there is another conversation going on. I would ask her how I can help her stay focused on her work then I'm talking to someone else in the office.
-- once back in the office, I would ask her if she had any urgent issues that needed to be dealt with today, if yes, I would deal with them and if not, I would tell her that I'll see her on Thursday.
Good luck!
Catherine RecardiJanuary 30,2024 at 11:14PM UTC
How on earth was this candidate chosen over a pool of candidates?
Communication CoachJanuary 30,2024 at 11:59PM UTC
Why is she on your social media, especially Facebook? Sounds like she needs a basic course in professional conduct. When you hire a coach for a class of the same you include the whole team and you might even consider having a test on the presentation of professional courtesy/behavior for everyone to take, but, it would mainly be for her, to make sure she gets some basics of being considerate of others time, appropriate personal space, prioritizing emails, even how to write a clear concise business email. You may have to set some closed-door time for yourself rules for the whole team, that will be a training exercise for her. She is not considering your time and that is essential for you and others when she is a team player. How she treats you teaches her how to behave in a professional setting. So, it's on you to teach her, not just for yourself, but, for her whole professional conduct. The sooner bad habits are interrupted, the better!
AnonymousJanuary 31,2024 at 12:42AM UTC
Yes, you do her a disservice by not sharing how you are feeling with her. Let her know up front that you support her growth but allow her one channel with ground rules around response times and limits as it is consuming your world to get things from all directions. Take the blame by saying something like, for me I prefer and ask everyone to use that channel so that I can keep track of things. Don't shame her for it but also let her know that you do it for focus. As for the interrupts suggest that you need boundaries to be respected when she is not a part of those chats. I know for a bit she will perhaps feel hurt but let her know that as a friend you will tell her this and others may not so it is coming from a good place. She needs to learn these things if not it will at some point be career limiting and she won't know why.
AnonymousJanuary 31,2024 at 1:24AM UTC
The fact that you hired her suggests to me that you're her superior/she's your subordinate, not co-workers exactly. I feel this makes this even more important.
First, and perhaps this is most difficult, accept your own error. The first time she messaged you through a non-work channel you needed to politely, kindly but firmly shut it down. Do that now by blocking or unfriending her on those channels. Explain to her that you made a mistake in not doing so before, as it's unprofessional, but you've addressed the oversight.
Telling someone to trust themself will not rectify the situation. If she could trust herself, she would. Is her professional development your responsibility? If so, address this in your 1:1 and build a development plan that reflects this. If not, the person she reports to should be addressing this.
You may need to be kind but firm regarding her following you and taking part in your conversations. The risk is she will withdraw but she is an adult who needs to manage her feeling herself, that is not your responsibility and, in fact, by trying to do so you're actually limiting her development.
Stay strong. Good luck.
GirlBossanova934974January 31,2024 at 1:54PM UTC
As others have pointed out, you need to stop letting this subordinate contact you via NON company provided IT platforms. Boundaries need to be set. Second, you need to tell this subordinate that she needs to make decisions and go with them. You expect her to make those decisions. Based upon my experience, this "NON decision making" issue appears to be a generational issue. In my last company, we couldn't get anything done because no one could make a decision. Weeks and months would roll by with endless meetings between "younger managers". Initiative was almost a dirty word!
AnonymousJanuary 31,2024 at 2:20PM UTC
Block her from all of your social media now! I don't friend anyone I work with her. Can you chat online with your coworkers? Give her tasks to work on and say we will meet on Thursday to go over the list.
Find a work buddy for her as well that is on the same level that she is to ask questions if she needs to. If you are the supervisor you need to take some action to make sure this stops. You are allowing this behavior, it is now time for you to stop it.
AnonymousFebruary 1,2024 at 1:29PM UTC
well the issure is you interacting with her on social media. thats ALL on YOU . if SHE shuts down thats ALL on her. end of story , have a conversation. set your bouderies. she has no choice but to respect them. you are making this wayyy more complicated than it is.
Maggie StoneFebruary 1,2024 at 1:36PM UTC
My short answer is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Starting with physical boundaries:can you arrange it so that you are not sharing space? If she is in your physical space you can say something like “may I have some space, I am talking to ex person, I will be with you in a few. I would also suggest cutting off social media unless you actually use it for work. You can explain that you are taking a break from social media or trying to separate your work life from your personal life. Also sounds like she needs reassurance and validation: don’t give it to her. Be very clear if there are things that need your approval ( e.g purchases), and tell her that going forward, unless it’s something that needs your approval, you are going to ask her what she thinks she should do. This is going to take time and consistency and she may not like it, but it is for her benefit.
Daniela PardoFebruary 1,2024 at 1:40PM UTC
Since you care about her, I would take it slowly. Tell her that you are trying to separate work/life more than before, and to please stop contacting you outside of business hours and by social media.
If you set goals for her by quarter, include "taking ownership" as one of them and help her build her confidence and sense of responsibility. There are a lot of resources online, but you can start by replying to her questions with "What do you think you should do?" " what do you recommend?"
Good luck!
AnonymousFebruary 1,2024 at 1:49PM UTC
Sounds to me she has appointed you her work mom. She feels safe with you but also follows and bothers you like a little kid. Perhaps, she was never taught proper work etiquette. As others said, set those boundaries and just meet with her and be kindly direct. Or u can give specific instructions like this is your assignment , if you have questions ask X or Y let me know how you make after it’s complete. Something like that. Would be exhausting tho ?.
AnonymousFebruary 1,2024 at 3:25PM UTC
I would just ghost her on social media and your personal text. It's not appropriate for her to be contacting you there, especially about work matters.
Does she report to you? If so then you do need to coach her at work. If she's really struggling, maybe set her up with a mentor as well so that you can share the load.
LORI-ANN BURLINGAMEFebruary 1,2024 at 5:14PM UTC
Boundaries are a good thing. You may want to have a 1:1 with her outlining what you epect from her. It sounds like she is making you feel guilty? Why? She needs to be an independent worker and make a contribution to the department. Cut the strings.
AnonymousFebruary 1,2024 at 5:43PM UTC
I’m not understanding what you need to “get over” as a hiring manager. You don’t need help getting over anything, you’re not a victim here, it sounds like you just might of made a bad hire. Or not set proper boundaries early on. It happens. But the question is how to turn that situation around and hire better in the future, not get ‘over her’. As the one more senior with more professional experience you shouldn’t have accepted her social requests. It’s hard to undo but you can fix by cutting off her and your other colleagues on social media (after you leave a company it’s fine to connect but not ideal when all still working together). Cut everyone off, say you’re taking a social hiatus and you’re reachable via text from 9-5 or 7pm (or whatever your cutoff time is), if your company uses slack or teams, say you’re reachable there instead of text. Especially if you have one of those internal messaging apps, then you tell them text is emergency only and there you can manage settings to only alert you during the hours you set. Tell her and other coworkers so she’s not singled out. It sounds like she’s immature and literally doesn’t know better and it’s your job to teach since you hired her.
Also there’s something about her behavior that leads me to believe she may be on a the spectrum and maybe that’s why she gets too close, asks so many questions and handles feedback the way she does. Factor in that her behavior is how it is because of what she’s observed and found accepted at the company (the connecting via many social channels was accepted and it sounds like encouraged until she annoyed you) and maybe some neurodivergent behavior that means she may not realize she’s doing what she’s doing (like talking too close for instance and the constantly questioning her decision making). I’m not trying to diagnose anyone but I’ve managed many people over the years, a couple people like this and learned a lot about their behavior and how to communicate differently than I might with another person.
KatieFebruary 2,2024 at 1:35PM UTC
I was thinking the same thing. My daughter exhibits some of these same behaviors but no one would know she's on the spectrum if they weren't told.
Looking at it from that aspect may help dull some of the annoyance (although it doesn't with my daughter's siblings, LOL) but trying to find a different approach to address the behaviors that bother you may be in order. People on the spectrum don't receive information or social clues the same as most people that we interact with on a daily basis.
My bet is that your instincts were correct and she will be a great employee you just need to find a way through the "growing pains".
AnonymousFebruary 2,2024 at 4:46PM UTC
As someone on the spectrum myself, I can tell you she is showing a LOT of the characteristics. You must be kind but concise with her. We cannot read between the lines like neurotypicals. I also stand too close to people I really like and feel safe with so take that as a compliment but do explain that in a business office setting the norm is to stay X amount of feet away when talking. I do suggest you remove her from all your social media and I am not sure of the best way to go about this but going forward, no subordinate should have that much access to your personal life as it blurs the lines considerably. I do recommend you take a course on Neurodivergence. There are so many FANTASTIC ones on LinkedIn.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2024 at 5:43PM UTC
You are 100% on target here.
Kimberly McFebruary 2,2024 at 4:22PM UTC
Can you set up a couple of play act scenarios to get her more confident in her decision making? I’ve found that helps, especially if you use team members who are the least threatening.
Tami L CannizzaroFebruary 2,2024 at 8:04PM UTC
Agree with others here re: the social media issues. Stop cold turkey, basically, even if it's ghosting.
Re: intruding on your conversations - agree here as well. You are in control of this. Stop speaking with whomever, look her in the eye and ask, "May I help you?" Wait for response. "I will come find you when I'm finished here or schedule a time to meet, my calendar is open(whatever)". If you sense she's eavesdropping, MOVE your hallway meeting. All within your control.
When she asks, "What should I do/what would you do?" or some version thereof, turn the tables. "We/I hired you because of your qualifications/talent/whatever; What is your recommendation and why?" Rinse and repeat as necessary.
This last one - what is your recommendation? - is something I had to learn with a new boss/situation early in my career when previous manager was more of "sit and discuss". New boss sat me down and told me, point-blank, "I want you to bring solutions. I already know what I would do; I want to hear what YOU would do." A very helpful Game. Changer. for me.
Note: none of this is being rude, if stated properly. It's setting her up for success, either at your firm or her next job opportunity.
Wishing you the best of luck!
AnonymousFebruary 3,2024 at 3:00AM UTC
You set the boundaries and can so in a courteous way. If you are speaking to someone outside your office, you do not ask if you can help her - she will proceed with her question. You must spell out your expectation of letting her know she is intruding by saying, "Please excuse us, this is private. I will see you at your desk when I finish dealing with some issues. At your desk, if she intrudes, you can say, I will be glad to help when I finish here - I will come to your desk as soon as I can, to let her know she must return to her desk. Even telling her to remember to ask if it's convenient to talk now. She sounds like she will be a loyal worker once she learns boundaries, which no one has taught, most likely
Crystal HowellFebruary 3,2024 at 2:18PM UTC
Does your company offer any type of career development through HR online?
Set your boundaries and groom her professional standards and ethics, what's allowed and what's not. We all had to learn from someone at home or work.
I applaud you for giving her a chance , someone gave you one too.
When she shuts down, pull her out of it by asking simple questions, if you believe she knows more than she is showing? Good luck
AnonymousFebruary 9,2024 at 2:11PM UTC
I understand that you have a situation where you need to address the behavior of an employee who lacks social skills and struggles to pick up on social cues. Here are some suggestions that might help you in this situation:
I believe you can consider putting her in charge of or mentoring someone else if you have faith in her ability. You can discuss with her that it's her turn to lead and mentor an individual and teach her to set boundaries for herself. This independent project will help her rise up, and it is something you are willing to provide little direction on.
You might start the conversation by explaining that we all struggle with things and that, as a mentor, you are there to help her. You can suggest that she needs to take the lead and find more independence.
As her supervisor, you need to make it clear that after-work hours are off-limits unless there is an emergency. This is not just for you but also for her, as she needs to separate her work and personal life. Work-life balance is something people strive for years to learn, and you'd like to help her get ahead of it. If you do not address this now, it will become unbearable, and it's almost there.
I hope these suggestions help you in addressing this issue.