I need help navigating a sociopath at work.

Anonymous

September 2,2023 at 5:19PM UTC

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I need help navigating a sociopath at work.

I got a new manager a few months ago and he is very difficult. He fits all the markers of a sociopath. He’s not supportive, he gives constantly changing tasks and assignments. He’s very critical and demeaning. He refuses to schedule meetings in advance or when I have an opening on my calendar and just randomly calls me or pings me and expects me to drop everything.

He thrives on chaos and dividing and creating discord among the team. He’s a master manipulator and gas lighter.

He has been going behind my back complaining to my agency manager and spreading lies to discredit me and tarnish my career. He’s belittled and yelled at me in prior 1-1 meetings using profanity.

l’ve been having panic attacks, headaches, stomach issues, dizziness from the stress of working with him.

I’m finally being moved. I have an end date but I still have to transition my work over to my replacement.

I told my new manager that I’m not comfortable going into any 1-1 meetings with him while I’m in that process. And I asked him to send any correspondence regarding transition via email and to include my manager. Or if he wants to have a meeting to include my new manager.

He’s already sabotaged and tried to discredit 3 other employees and I don’t want him to come out of a 1-1 and lie or try to cause further harm.

My new manager sent me to HR because of this request. Now I fear I’ve put myself in a position to lose my job. How honest should I be with HR and how much should I tell them?

I’ve been in a panicky fight or fight mode for the past 3 weeks and I don’t want to come across as being dramatic but I feel very strongly the need to protect myself and my career.

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Kimberly AnneSeptember 2,2023 at 6:02PM UTC
Is his name Jeremy? Lol
AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 6:50PM UTC
I would have asked if his name is Doug!
I'd have the meeting with HR and psychopath ex-boss together if needed but FIRST ask for a meeting with HR.
Email HR and say you are transitioning to a different department and need any last minute needs IN WRITING. Have a plan on writing what you want to discuss and ask what they think and get in writing.
This way if meeting goes off course or boss invited, they can't gaslight you from meeting plans or last minute requests.
Basically following the requests to the T. Then your career is okay or you can provide proof if it isn't.
They are counting on you to fail and walk. Show them you mean business and in your night time downtime polish resume in case...
AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 10:55PM UTC
Or Bargas?
AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 7:15PM UTC
I’m not sure it’s your new manager’s responsibility to play interference for you with the old boss. This sounds like more of an HR function. This is a lot of drama to dump in your manager and don’t forget they’re peers with your old boss. I’m not sure I’d continue on this path.
If you continue to insist that someone be present at meetings and CCd on emails, I’d tag HR for this task.
AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 8:48PM UTC
Wow I’m so sorry you are dealing with that sociopath. I hope you are taking care of your health and glad you are being moved. I hope his karma comes.
AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 10:34PM UTC
First and most important, HE is the problem, not you. So far, you are doing all of the right things. You have advocated for yourself and were able to get reassigned. You ask that every encounter with him include a witness. HR needs to understand what is happening with this manager to determine who is the best person to sit in on your 1-1 meetings if your new manager doesn't feel comfortable or thinks it's inappropriate. I suspect you aren't the only one who has complained, and they are trying to figure out what is happening.
Kristyn BarrettSeptember 3,2023 at 3:40PM UTC
Because these scenarios never happened in a professional setting. Calling someone dramatic over a toxic work environment and then posting anonymously is a perfect example of “when you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”.
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 1:34AM UTC
Perfectly said!!! This is what sends people to physical illnesses and worse!
AnonymousSeptember 3,2023 at 5:13PM UTC
Be honest with HR/legal dept and cite specific examples. Put them after the meeting into an email from the companies email to the HR/legale person and then bcc your personal email which will give you documentation. Let them know that you are still very committed to the company but feel that they need to investigate his behavior not only to you but to others. Don't cite any info from others let them manage their own things. Speak specifically about the toxic things and suggest to them ways to improve so that you can meet your deliverables. Don't go in full negative because they won't listen as well. Then request a follow up and clean transition to the new manager with no soliing of your reputation as the move happens. Deadline their response, no more than 30 days. And then if you get any negative reply take it to the EEOC and file a formal complaint citing hostile workplace. Good luck.
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 2:07PM UTC
Are you an employee or a contractor? If you're a contractor then him "sending you to HR" doesn't do much since you're not an employee, but this is your opportunity to tell them why you don't feel comfortable being alone with this person and getting it documented on his personnel record, so this wasn't a great move on his part. Asking to have someone else there in a 1:1 when things have been contentious is not out of the ordinary. You could also insist on recording all of your meetings.
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 4:52PM UTC
Personally I would go
to HR and file a hostile work environment complaint. Bring you pre prepared list and be sure to say you feel harassed due to his title and behaviors. Might be a good idea to speak to an employment attorney for a free consultation first so you can be certain you’re using the right legal language. Avoid any psychological language or your personal diagnosis of your manager. Keep the complaint strictly to business. Good luck!
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 4:55PM UTC
I agree with the poster who caught the mention of your agency. You appear to be a contractor, and as such you do not work for this company. You work for your agency. I have found lately that many bosses, particularly the psycho ones, don't understand how the contractor deal works & will try to use threats and treat you like a "real" employee, none of which applies to you. Do NOT go to HR, as you are not their employee and they can do nothing other than make note of you as a potential troublemaker who does not understand how a contract deal works either and will likely bar you from ever being contracted to them again. Talk to your agency and be honest with them. It is a good idea to record any more dealings with this boss so you have evidence to take to your agency, but I suspect they already know about this person and have already sent many victims his way. Sadly, most agencies don't care about their people and don't want to upset a relationship they have with a company over one contractor, so don't expect a lot of support from them either, as they'll brand you as more trouble than you're worth and not call you for jobs again. If they can get you moved into another decent spot away from this monster, great, but keep your head low and record everything until that happens. Realistically however, I would be quietly looking for other jobs elsewhere and tell potential new employers, whether they be an agency or an actual company offering a perm position, only that you are currently a contractor and that you believe your contract is about to end, as honestly it sounds like it is. Do NOT mention anything at ALL about your real situation. Don't panic but be proactive. Despiration is not a good look for a potential new employee. Good luck!
AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 4:56PM UTC
This sounds complicated. Sorry you're going through this. I can understand your hesitation about telling HR what's going on. How much time do you have to train your replacement? Maybe, once you're done training that person, you won't have to deal with that other manager. Have you officially started in the new department yet?
It might be a good idea to start job hunting in case. I would keep focused on your new department and how you can help your replacement.
The good news is: You were able to transfer departments and you have a new manager.
Tami CannizzaroSeptember 4,2023 at 8:06PM UTC
So sorry this is happening. The good news is, you see light at the end of the tunnel. Here's what I would do, having been in a similar situation: I'd put a steel rod in my back, remembering this is temporary. Forget, for a second, the barbs and arrows he throws - terrible communications, yes, but it's his way. He thrives in chaos; you prefer planning and order, in addition to calmer, courteous speech. He can sense your nervousness; don't show it. "Academy Award Winning Performance" here. BIGGEST THING YOU MUST DO - better even than HR right now - document, document document. Have those meetings with him, and after each one send a recap memo outlining exactly what your take-away is/you are supposed to do. If your understanding is incorrect, he has an opportunity to say so. Next meeting, when he changes his direction, do the same thing. That way you've got a trail of the difficulties you faced. Again, none of this is easy. Simply trying to help you "manage up" until you can walk yourself away to the new position.
Robin StrayhornSeptember 5,2023 at 4:10PM UTC
I am sorry you are experiencing this type of treatment. Please file your complaint with HR so that is documented. If there is retaliation from your former boss, you know have evidence of line of behavior. In this transition, you will need to sort facts over feelings to ensure you advocate for yourself. I hope this helps.
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 4:34PM UTC
I work in employment law and the company is dually liable.
AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 11:06PM UTC
I’m from DC, so I took your reference to agency to refer to a government agency for which you work.
If that’s not the case, and you are an outside contractor, HR might be speaking with you to follow up on other employee complaints.
Your post omits two crucial pieces of information:
*How long to your move date?
*Is the manager to whom you are being transferred comfortable in being included in meetings between you and your sabotaging manager, or has HR approved this arrangement? If neither of these conditions have been fulfilled, I doubt that it is possible to implement this arrangement. In addition, I am skeptical that the manager to whom you are being transferred would welcome this role.
In general, you already have a transition date and my expectation would be that HR would not want to upset the transition process.
Thus, I would look at the visit with HR as an opportunity to safeguard or improve your status. Present yourself to HR as a dedicated employee and problem solver, and use the meeting to advise HR that *you want the transition period to run smoothly.*
Beyond this, you can be honest or dishonest. Hard to say which approach is better.
Honest approach: Explain that you have put forth the no 1 on 1 meetings request to ensure that your boss acts professionally. You can explain that your boss has raised his voice to you and used profanity in prior meetings (have a brief, unemotional dated list ready to share, if needed), and observe that this has disrupted the work environment. If your agency has a handbook or a code of conduct, such conduct is likely prohibited. If so, you can mention the violation when you meet with HR. You can also note that your boss does better in group meetings than 1 on 1.
Dishonest approach: You feel that information concerning the transition is most effectively shared if your boss and one or more colleagues are present. This is appropriate if your work affects the work of others, or if one or more colleagues have specialized insights or questions on your activities that would be beneficial to the team.
Emphasize to HR that your intent is to ensure a smooth transition and (if you have been honest) to help your manager maintain a professional demeanor, rather than to harm him. Ask HR for HR’s best advice in navigating this situation and ensuring that the transition runs smoothly.
You can tell HR that you would be happy to submit needed information to your manager and other team members in writing and/or meet with your manager as part of a team that includes the colleague/s who will assume your duties. You can also volunteer to work with your colleague/s directly on transition issues.
Finally, you can also mention that you would be happy to speed up your transition date if this would be helpful.
Kristie WhiteSeptember 6,2023 at 11:21AM UTC
Having experienced this type of manager (tho yours is worse), please recognize that this is not your fault. There is no way you can “perform “ your way out of this. But I would encourage documentation of the issues if you can so HR can consider options to counter this toxicity. But this guy is managing up and his boss is probably unaware how bad he is, it may be difficult to get him out. I’m so glad you’ve negotiated your way out! Brava!!
MislynSeptember 6,2023 at 5:20PM UTC
Is his name Justin? I went through the exact and I mean exact same thing. Talk about a living hell. I don’t think your being dramatic at all. If you’ve worked for this type of person you know exactly how this feels. Get a new job and get away from this person. They will ruin you. My family and marriage fell apart thanks to my last boss. I have zero confidence in myself now and I have never been the same person since that job. At first I thought it was just me feeling this way. Talked to other boss and he felt the exact same way towards him as I did. He told me to just avoid him and do my job but that was impossible. He was constantly calling me, texting me, coming into my office needing something or wanting to just hang out and talk. I didn’t care what was going on in his life but he wanted to know everything that was going on in mine private or personal he would ask anything and tell anything. Then he would tell other employees person stuff I told him. He was the biggest backstabbing liar I’ve ever met. I still to this day dispise the man and know one day he will get what he deserves in life and it won’t be good.