Yesterday I was supposed to have my 1:1 with my boss directly after our team call to talk with him about my Q4 goals.

33 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 27,2023 at 12:21PM UTC

   He's threatened by you. You'll have to make him think that your brilliant ideas are his brilliant ideas. It's unfortunate, but fragile male ego and all...

2. AnonymousSeptember 27,2023 at 1:08PM UTC

   I have a couple of different thoughts on this.

   1. If you want to stay at your current job, is there harm in having a one on one conversation with him (over lunch or coffee outside of the office) to informally discuss what you've listed above (and bring firm examples). I wonder if he asked the team to stay because he's been channeling a lot of questions and he sees you as the competent one (or maybe the one with tough skin to use you as an example?)
   2. Find a new job. Do your current job to the current standard and expectation but instead of putting your efforts to going above and beyond your current role, but that energy towards finding a new role.

   This is just a toxic environment. Talking to HR could be another option, but tricky because while they are there to help you, they are there to help protect the company.

   Good luck, don't let one persons inability to see your value determine your own value and worth. Go find a company that will.

3. Katheryn MSeptember 27,2023 at 1:16PM UTC

   That sounds awful that he belittled you in front of everyone and made an example of you. I would 100 percent ask to talk about It as soon as possible to explain why it was demoralizing and inappropriate to have this conversation in front of the rest of the team.

   Honestly, he sounds like the kind of person who gets his rocks off by making others feel inferior and there isn't much you can do with those kinds of people except keeping your head down as much as possible. If he's not open to hearing your experience and listening to you, I'd honestly stop offering it because he isn't going to be responsive to it. Maybe the best thing you can do is instead of trying to offer him advice (which he is threatened by and dislikes), you can try to be a leader to your team and support your team members instead.

4. AnonymousSeptember 27,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

   Unfortunately, any effort to handle these jerks is usually a waste of energy, look for something new.

5. BethBSeptember 28,2023 at 12:27PM UTC

   Being belittled at all, let alone in front of people sucks. Arguing with people like this, especially in front of others is not going to get you far. He isn’t going to see the light and correct himself, no matter how obvious it is that he isn’t. He may see things differently than you do, it doesn’t make him a liar.

   It was also unprofessional of him to spring changing a 1:1 meeting to a team meeting.

   What would happen if you appeared to consider his critique and ask questions. What does being more proactive mean to him? What level of strategy would he prefer? How would he respond to you asking to get back to him with a revised plan that addresses his concerns?

6. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 12:28PM UTC

   Sounds like he’s angling to get rid of you and he wanted a paper trail with witnesses. My advice is to start your job search if you haven’t already and leave. Don’t waste your time on people like this.

7. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 12:32PM UTC

   I have almost the same situation re. The belittling comments in front of the team. When I raised it with him offline he firstly apologised and then continued to say he was talking about something else and was I sure he was talking about me… I’d also raised the point that i felt he’d been quite negative towards me since returning after serious illness- He didn’t disagree and mentioned he needs me to have his back so I asked for the same. Since then it’s carried on to the point he removed my direct report to report to him. I’m currently on medical leave but dreading this behaviour when I return…

8. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 1:14AM UTC

   You might want to check with an employment lawyer or do some research to determine if your boss’s poor treatment of you violates the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA.)

   In general, the ADA requires that reasonable accommodations be made to allow you to perform your job in light of your disability. It doesn’t sound like your boss is doing this.

   If feasible, consider leaving this toxic manager, whether through an internal transfer or finding a new job when you are ready. In the meantime, continue to focus on taking care of yourself.

9. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

   This makes me so angry yo hear this! Check to see if your company has a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion policy. You are being called out in “front of everyone” and demoralized as you stated! Many companies make this a mandatory training session. Good luck with your decision on how you’re going to approach this unfair situation.

10. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 1:15PM UTC

    These are actions of poor leadership - what he is doing is likely a result of him feeling insecure and the need to feel dominant. I'm sorry you're one feeling the pain of that. Unfortunately, it's really hard to change behavior like this but it's best to address and document it.

11. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 1:06AM UTC

    Or just find another job and exit.

12. Marlane LordSeptember 28,2023 at 1:24PM UTC

    He made a 1:1 a group session...no excuse on his part. That should have been a confidential time between you two. Then to criticize you in front of others is a Management 101 super fail. From my experience, a bad boss is a bad boss...and the main reason why employees leave a company. Reporting him will most likely not end well for you. He sounds toxic...time to go.

13. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 12:14AM UTC

    Agree. The big sin was turning was Turning your 1:1 into a group review. That is the issue to be addressed first. It was unprofessional and disrespectful. At minimum you need to ensure that 1:1 stay private. Then you can debate the substyof his comments.

14. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 1:24PM UTC

    You can't. My last role had people in leadership not allowing me to do the job I was hired to do because they were threatened by the fact I knew more about certain things. One was older than I am, one was younger, and they were equally toxic. It was awful and I spent over a year trying to keep the peace while also being like "YO! We need to be doing XYZ!!" but they didn't care to listen. That company is now circling the drain. I'm glad I got out when I did.

15. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 1:39PM UTC

    You teach people how to treat you and I retrained a coworker (not my boss but a senior leader) by calmly and rationally standing up form myself. I’d remain calm

    in the moment and then call him after and say “if you felt that way you’ve never given me this feedback before and it wasn’t fair to do it front of several peers.” Or “you threw me under the bus publicly to your team without having the full story.” Etc. it may not work on everyone and a toxic boss may leave you with the option to leave but I also think you may benefit from this approach. That coworker came to really respect me and change that behavior.

16. Marcia SmithSeptember 28,2023 at 3:57PM UTC

    I really love this advice....your next steps will be largely determined by how your boss reacts to you standing up for yourself.

    I tried this and then my boss REALLY retaliated in many nasty ways...so time for me to move on...

17. AnonymousSeptember 28,2023 at 11:21PM UTC

    Yes. I think anyone taking this approach absolutely needs to be prepared that this may be the outcome. You can only control your behavior and not others, but I think you'll leave happy that you maintained your integrity, emotional control and didn't allow yourself to be pushed around in the long run. It's a valuable learning experience in leadership, team dynamics and setting boundaries that will make her stronger in the long run.

18. Amy Carissa OliverSeptember 29,2023 at 12:48PM UTC

    I agree mostly but would not say “not fair.” It was inappropriate, and I would use that word.

19. Julie ESeptember 28,2023 at 2:36PM UTC

    Next time explain why his suggestionsdidn’t work and ask for feedback on what you could have done differentlygiven those challenges. After he answers, explain what you did do but that next time you’ll use his feedback.

20. Zeecil KimmelSeptember 28,2023 at 3:57PM UTC

    I have experience with individuals who CC: or invite the entire group every time they want to have their (negative) opinions heard. They are toxic and unfortunately not retrainable. Quite simply this is the behavior of an insecure bully. I would start updating my resume and keep two eyes open on what else is available out there. People only get retrained when they have a significant reason to - and most companies do not offer that reason.

21. Darlene MirtoSeptember 29,2023 at 12:40PM UTC

    You might also try to individually speak to the others who were in the meeting to see if they have the same perception as you did.

22. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 1:02AM UTC

    Kudos for remaining calm and factual.
    That’s terrific. Additional next steps might include the following:

    1)Do you have positive, concrete results stemming from your approaches that you can show your manager? That might help sell your approach and experience.

    2)If similar events continue to occur, you might want to consider exploring other opportunities within or outside your company. Success is never guaranteed and it becomes even less likely when your manager fails to support you. You deserve better.

23. Teena JonesSeptember 29,2023 at 8:33AM UTC

    Find another position within the company or begin looking for a new job. You can attempt to manage up. Meet with one or two of your co-workers which find favor with the manager find out what they are doing that is working and what doesn't work. Assess your work ethics and standards and review everything good and bad which you have brought to the table. Set up a meeting with your manager to find out what he clearly wants from you and set your goals to align with the company. If he has not called out other team members in meetings conducting an individual evaluation in front of others you have an issue. As this is an HR issue and needs to be effectively evaluated. NO one should be humiliated in front of the team. However, your boss may not even see it that way. There is a lot to consider here.

24. RituparnaSeptember 29,2023 at 12:16PM UTC

    Try to search for a better position as your boss might repeat the same thing again.

25. Amy Carissa OliverSeptember 29,2023 at 12:51PM UTC

    I’m so glad a few people brought up your manager’s inappropriate behavior. Your 1:1 is a private conversation and feedback from your manager should be done in private. This is something I would take to HR if you feel comfortable doing so. I’ve been a manager for 20 years and can’t imagine ever giving negative feedback to a team member in public unless they were somehow hurting another team member in that setting.

26. Nicole McKeonSeptember 29,2023 at 1:46PM UTC

    Start the process of looking for a new job. People always say to go to HR but in my experience that is a waste of time. It is wholly inappropriate for anyone else to be on your 1:1 with your boss- and it sounds like he's just a jerk. Life is too short, and it seems like you are highly motivated- I am certain you will find something better where you are appreciated.

27. Jen FrischenSeptember 29,2023 at 3:01PM UTC

    What am I missing here? Doesn't 1:1 mean that there is 1 person to 1 person (i.e. One supervisor to One Worker)? I am pretty sure that's how ratios work.

    Why were all of these other people there?

28. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 5:07PM UTC

    I see a red flag here. Clearly he is insecure and has got this job due to favoritism or nepotism like many others. Not the best advice but try to bring it to HR. Else if you think its a misunderstanding then try to reason with him and get into his good books if you think there is a chance of patch up. Talk to a mentor from the same company. Try a dept change. Make a list of of your accomplishments and keep them handy. Internal customer appreciations etc.

29. AnonymousSeptember 29,2023 at 6:43PM UTC

    Speaking from a similar situation but having a woman boss you have 2 choices!

    Move departments or Have your official 1:1 performance evaluation (alone).

    Your 1:1 evaluation and your Q4 goals should be thought of as 2 different tasks although many people review at the same time. I would send an evaluation meeting invite listing your accomplishments and dates completed (stick to the facts not emotion) include letters of recommendation or letters from other team members listing ways you have been a helpful or made a difference to the team. Open his eyes to what all you do, make him take it into consideration (this is your moment). I would list your Q4 goals out again suggesting guidance or maybe he has corporate/ regional/ team goals he feels are priority but ask for feedback. If he refuses a personal evaluation, look into what your company policy says on performance reviews and take action. I know it's hard not to take personal so stay professional (remove all emotion from the situation) and let him know you are ready to discuss. That "team chat" was not your evaluation and you deserve 5 minutes of his time. Good luck!!

30. Kristie WhiteSeptember 29,2023 at 6:45PM UTC

    I agree with the comments here that this is coming from a bully who is insecure. It happened to me when the bullying was coming from a peer. And since I work in HR, it was a bully in HR! So here is what I learned... Don't take the bait. You remained calm - that's good. Remember that you also have rights as an employee and individual. You have the right to tell your boss "I'm sorry. The work I've prepared is for you only during our 1:1 meetings. I don't want to share the work before we have agreed on its content." If the bully pushes, state simply that you are unprepared to discuss with the entire team. And stand your ground. 2nd tip is to ensure you don't schedule your 1:1 on the tail end of a meeting where he can try to force you to have your meeting with an audience. This bully wants to bully you in public, humiliate you, undermine your credibility and your confidence. It may be that they have heard your suggestions and are worried they are too good, so this bully wants to undermine you. #3. Don't let them undermine your confidence by pushing you to boil the ocean on stage! it is acceptable to say "I'm not sure, let me check that and get back to you." or "I'd like to double check the wording, (policy, legal, compliance, etc.) before I answer that question. I always want to ensure I have the most up to date information." Don't let a bully force you to think less of yourself! I feel so much sympathy for my naive little self that suffered years ago. And my Vice President of HR was an idiot manager without a clue, which made it much worse. So I did leave my job without another job to go to and I was miserable for about 6 months. I was traumatized when I left and I had started that job as a star. Don't let the b*st*rds pull you down:)

31. Phin NinoSeptember 29,2023 at 9:41PM UTC

    ohh interesting

32. Alexandria WagnerSeptember 30,2023 at 3:41PM UTC

    Your boss has very low emotional intelligence. I would not ever say "that's not true" to someone like him because that will set a narcissist off faster than you can imagine. The way to handle someone like him is to respond to his digs and insults by saying "Interesting, I'll take that into consideration" and then keep what was working to yourself and continue to do that. Please don't allow him to put you in this position in the future. I would say my goals are only between us and ask for a proper one on one. I would also dust off my resume if I were you because its not going to get any better, sadly.

33. AnonymousOctober 5,2023 at 8:51PM UTC

    Sounds like a 360 review was happening without telling you about it first.