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I gifted a friend with a bar prep course that I paid $2k for.

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Anonymous

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I gifted a friend with a bar prep course that I paid $2k for. I passed the bar so didnt need it. Instead of requesting a refund I asked the prep company if I could gift it to her and they agreed. My friend barely thanked me only exclaiming that she had been praying about needing a bar prep course and this was the answer to her prayers. She asked if we could meet for lunch so she could pick my brain. I agreed. I was just laid off and called her to tell her I lost my job and would prefer to save my pennies and asked if we could just meet for coffee instead. She said she had already made reservations and was looking forward to having lunch. So we met for lunch. At lunch she asked if I could also tutor her since its been a long time since shes looked at the law. When the check came she said "lets split it." Now I know I shouldnt expect anything but if someone gifted me with a $2k prep the least I would do is treat them to lunch, especially if they're now unemployed. Again, I know a gift comes without strings but if the situation were reversed it would have been my treat. Appreciate your thoughts.

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  1. Anonymous

    Agree with you. This is very inconsiderate of your friend. Yes, gifts should come without strings, but you didn't come up with the idea of lunch, she insisted on it. I would stay away from her in the future.

  2. Anonymous

    Agree 1000%

  3. Anonymous

    Stay away from her. No the kind of friends you need. It seems she needs you more than you.

  4. Anonymous

    Agree. Sounds like a narcissistic user.

  5. Anonymous

    It's a reflection of this person's awareness first (she is at the center of her universe) and is not at all in touch with the world or people around her.
    Secondly, when you associate with people like this, there's a responsibility you have to adjust your expectations. Her response to your gifting her the prep course told you everything you needed to know about how she navigates her way through the world and her expectations of those people she chooses to deal with.

    So while we would all love to think that everyone has the empathy, appreciation and plain wherewithal that we do, it's simply not the case. And I think you knew that because this is probably not the first glimpse into this person's soul you've had.

    So you will share the blame on this one but be thankful you didn't sign up to be her tutor. Chances are very good that when she fails the Bar, it will become the Tutor's fault. You dodged a bullet there. So it was a pretty cheap lesson.

  6. Anonymous

    This is very sound advice. I agree that I share some of the blame and this is not the first glimpse into her soul. Thank you for your refreshing honesty.

  7. Anonymous

    She is not a friend. After that lunch date that should have been a coffee date, the lack of appreciation as shown with the no thank you and her bright idea to split lunch, I would contact the company and tell them that you need a refund ASAP due to a recent job loss and to keep all details of the refund private. You tell that "friend" there was a snafu with the policy for transferring the bar prep course. Then drop that friend.

  8. Rachel Sklar

    Reservations? Yikes. Reservations can be cancelled. So can bar courses!!! Get a refund & Godspeed.

  9. Anonymous

    I had a friend like this once. It was a relationship completely based upon her needs. When I became chronically ill and no longer had disposable income to spend on her MLM of the week to "support her new business", she disappeared.

    You don't need a thoughtless, self-centered person like this in your life. You should cut your losses with her and get a refund on the course due to your finances. If you tell her why you got the refund instead of that it wasn't transferable it will only show her true intentions faster and hasten the death of your friendship.

  10. Gretchen Skalka

    I think you have a great opportunity here!

    Yes - tutor her! Establish your base or hourly rate and let her know what it is and what your preferred method of payment is (Zelle, Stripe, PayPal, etc.).

    LOOK at this as an opportunity. You have knowledge and experience that are valuable to her. Get paid for it.

    On the rest - let it go.

    Please - there is zero benefit (as you've seen) to holding on to it.

    No gift carries expectation.

    Her not thanking you properly is rude, but please for your emotional well-being - let it go.

    Splitting the check on a reservation made without asking first - also rude. But again - please let it go so that you can see the bigger picture and maximize your ability to create opportunity for yourself in any situation.

    Offer to tutor her as she requested. Let her know this is a valuable service (as her request shows) and what your rate is. Offer a discount if you'd like but get paid for your knowledge and experience. You earned it!

  11. Anonymous

    Why should she tutor an ungrateful, selfish windbag. The friend didn't even have the graciousness of treating her to lunch, hardly think she'll pony up for tutoring.

  12. Gretchen Skalka

    She can tutor anyone who values the knowledge she possesses - and get paid for it.

    Who she tutors is up to her.

    But there are opportunities everywhere.

  13. Anonymous

    Just how much can one woman be expected to "let it go"? Asking for Elsa....

  14. Lorna Rose, J.D., M.S.

    As much as one woman is choosing to keep carrying. Keep the lesson, and leave behind the problem. Talking to yourself differently helps a lot! Instead of “I should’ve known better, I’m so pissed for letting them do that to me, never again will I let someone take advantage of me,” you can try “That experience really hurt, especially because I wasn’t expecting it. I know now what warning signs to pay attention to, and I’m allowed to turn people down who seem like they’re just out to use me. I helped out because I wanted to and that’s who I am, and they will simply have to live with themselves being the way that they are. I don’t deserve to have their shortcomings be my ongoing problem, so I won’t be letting that happen.”

  15. Anonymous

    I typically wouldn't advise this but in this instance I will: "SEEK A REFUND"

    Firstly, its unlikely that she'll even utilize the course properly. You gifted her with a $2k course and yet she still asks you to tutor. How long has it been since she's been out of law school? I have a feeling your gift will be wasted.

    Secondly, it sounds like her lack of courtesy towards you bothers you. She is an inconsiderate, self serving person that you need to excise out of your life. You sound like a generous heart and you expected this "friend" to reciprocate. I'm sure you've seen other incidents of her selfish behavior. I was totally aghast that (1) she didn't understand why an unemployed person would want to save money by meeting for a $5 coffee instead of going to lunch and (2) she didn't pick up the check. You're unemployed, gave her a $2k gift and she couldn't at least treat you to lunch! And a lunch that she insisted upon! It's obvious the lunch was to get even more out of you like asking you to tutor. She didn't even offer to pay you for tutoring. What a grasping self-centered woman.

  16. Anonymous

    Tell her in the future you are looking for a new job and on a budget.

    Either your house for coffee or whatever or some other time

    My bet is that you will never have to deal with her again. If she's an upcoming attorney, she needs to be more independent in her success for research, etc

    I'd try to get a refund for the course. Congratulations on your passing!!!

  17. Anonymous

    Your friend is self-centered and tone deaf.

    She should have treated you to lunch and thanked you profusely.

    If she’ll pay you an appropriate fee for the tutoring and it fits your schedule, consider this as a source of temporary income.

    In the future, feel free to decline invitations that are beyond your budget.

  18. Anonymous

    Cut off her immediately!!!!!

    she is not a friend. Do not associate with her any longer, she sounds sick

  19. Anonymous

    What you did you amazing, yes it was an answer to prayer. But she should also express thanks in a way that shows value. I don’t think she should have invited you to a lunch and not give you some type of expression of thanks.

    I agree. since you are laid off charge her a fee for your time and value. Also, you may be able to help others who cannot afford the prep course. Share with others.

  20. Anonymous

    I will respond on behalf of OP because she’s dealing with enough crap: most bar prep courses are online and the program administrators control access. OP can’t just share the course with whoever she wants (how could the prep programs make their millions if they allowed that?!)

  21. Anonymous

    Sorry, but your "friend" seems pretty selfish. If she asks you to tutor her and you're still out of work tell her what your rates for tutoring are. You don't need friends like this.

  22. Anonymous

    That was very generous of you, but I do believe she should have paid for lunch to thank you. That just seems rude on her part.

  23. Anonymous

    I agree tour “friend” and I use the term lightly should have offered you lunch,

    I do t think from what you have described that she is a friend seems like she shows zero concern for you didn’t thank you for the gift and is asking for even more from you. Friendship is give and take but if your the only one giving and she is doing all the taking, is it friendship? Seems like your being used for what you can do for her

    I would take a break from her and see how you feel when your not being used , and look for new friends

  24. Anonymous

    Your friend knew you were laid off. Even if you hadn't given her anything, just to be nice she should have treated you to lunch or at least picked some place less expensive. This person sounds like a horrible friend.

  25. Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career Coach

    Hey anonymous !

    Here's my two cents. Was it inconsiderate of your friend to split the bill ? yes .

    If your gift was really without strings, you would have zero expectations of them. It sounds like you are really just disappointed in yourself for compromising and being pressured into going to lunch - and paying made you feel worse.

    If you really did not need to spend the money on lunch, you place a hard boundary for yourself and say a hard NO to lunch. It sucks but you can just promise yourself you won't compromise on things like that again.

    If you want , take her offer to tutor and let her know you will send her your rates. It could be a good opportunity for you to make some money right now!

  26. Lorna Rose, J.D., M.S.

    Couple of things to unpack here!

    You should not have gifted her anything if you were going to be holding it against her, even if only in your own mind, for not “thanking you properly.” If the situation was reversed then lunch would’ve been your treat, sure - but it’s not, and you know very well as a lawyer that hypotheticals can only go so far when we’re trying to make our case. Best to talk yourself into getting over it: “If I ever find myself in her position, I know what I’d do differently and that makes me feel better.”

    It was rude of her to insist on lunch vs. coffee and then make you pay for yourself, regardless of your job situation. In any context, the person extending the invitation should finance the experience because it was their idea. Adding to that her forehand knowledge of your unemployment, that made her bill-splitting gesture extra rude.

    You’re both treating each other rudely here. Your bitterness is understandable and valid - now let go of it, because all bitterness does is hurt YOU from the inside out. The last thing we need is more bitter lawyers!!

    You did the right thing by helping someone out with an unreasonably expensive tool that they genuinely need in order to move forward in their profession. You may never receive gratitude or appreciation that feels “proper” to you, but you can’t control that. What you can control is what you choose to do moving forward, and setting firmer boundaries for yourself is always a good place to start :)

  27. Anonymous

    How was I rude to her? I'm not bitter, just disappointed in her self-centeredness.

  28. Anonymous

    I would say let it go because, if you all had been friends that long, you would have noticed the self centeredness way before now. But be honest with her and yourself. If it’s worth it.

  29. Cyndy Trivella

    I’m not trying to sound cruel, but I see some irony in your post. You passed the bar and practiced law(?) (You didn’t mention, but let’s assume you did before losing your job.) As a lawyer you should know better than most people what the difference is between gifting and giving someone something that needs to be repaid or reciprocated in kind. If you gifted the $2k prep, which you state you did, there should be no legal expectation of being repaid that money. It appears that the displeasure with your “friend” (notice how I put the word friend in quotes), is more of a moral issue. This is between you and her and you should have a sit-down, heart-to-heart with her and explain how her actions have hurt you. Perhaps she is so tied up with her own problems and issues that she doesn’t even realize how she has displeased you. Having a conversation with her will likely do one of two things: 1) clear the air between you both, or 2) show you her true colors. Either way, you will have the information you need to make an informed decision on what you need to do.

  30. Anonymous

    Please re-read my post. I never said there was an expectation of being repaid. In fact I said a gift is without strings. I was just dismayed that given I gifted her with a $2k bar prep course and supplemental materials that she insisted on lunch when I told her I needed to save money since I was now unemployed and she didn't offer to at least treat me to lunch. I know that treating me to lunch is not a requirement but if a friend gifted me with a bar prep course and I knew they were unemployed, the least I could do is say thank you and treat them to lunch.

  31. Anonymous

    I’m going to be honest. She may think you have more than her. I had friends who gave better gifts to our other friends, I later found out. But when it came to me, it was short of thought.

  32. M Baaza

    I faced this too and I slowly walked out

  33. Anonymous

    And I never said I didn't know the difference between gifting and giving someone something that needs to be reciprocated. You missed the point of my post.

  34. Cyndy Trivella

    Actually, based on what you wrote, I don’t believe I missed the point. I did, however, point out that the problem with your friend seems to be more of a moral issue. This is why I suggested that you have a conversation with her to get to the root of the situation so you can make an informed decision. Good luck!

  35. Anonymous

    “ As a lawyer you should know better than most people what the difference is between gifting and giving someone something that needs to be repaid or reciprocated in kind. “

    you sound a bit condescending. What does that have to do with the situation? What are you trying to say?

    yes you missed the point!!

  36. GermFreeWriter63!

    You can move forward and make an informed decision based on what you said, how she responded and "friend's" actions. Do not waste your time on this person. You have all the information you need. Find truly supported friends and one who, it feels like, is resentful of your ease with passing the bar. Jealousy and envy can make people turn on others.

  37. GermFreeWriter63!

    Sorry about the typos and missing words. Your situation has really steamed me! I fear that you might make excuses for this person in the name of friendship that, from this instance, appears one-sided. You deserve better.

  38. Carolina Perez Sanz

    I understand your disappointment with her apparent lack of appreciation. I'd tell her how her behavior made you feel, without judgement, of course. If you want a true friendship with her, I think transparency and open communication would be the best way to go. Maybe there's something inside her that makes it difficult for her to express gratitude (shame, pride, fear of being "less than"...). Your opening the door to this could be revelatory. Good luck!

  39. Anonymous

    I would write to her in whatever forum makes sense for how you communicate and let her know that while you support her and the gift was with no strings attached, you need her to understand that it felt a little short for her to not at least buy you a lunch. Remind her that you just lost your job and that you need someone from the other side to similarly support you in the friendship which means not taxing your time for her purposes and respecting the gift. If she cannot see this or doesn't realize her lack of judgement then it's time to reconsider the level of friendship. One thing I will say is when you give a gift the best return on that gift is how YOU feel when you make someone feel special. Clearly that was lost on her...but you should be pleased that you did something wonderful for someone else. Perhaps write off the cost as a donation if you can or as training on your taxes so that it is not a total loss....sorry you surely deserved better.

  40. Elizabeth

    I agree. She should have payed for the lunch. She honesty sounds kind of selfish.

  41. Anonymous

    This is why I don’t give big gifts or accept them from friends. I have a friend who loves to be generous and then counts it and expects you to be forever grateful. lesson learned.

    She said thank you. She wasn’t effusive, maybe she isn’t an effusive person.

    as far as treating you to lunch, it would have been a nice thing to do in general becasue you lost your job and money may be tight. She doesn’t owe you. I’m sorry she didn’t express her gratitude in the way you want.

  42. Anonymous

    She didn't say thank you. I mentioned that in the beginning of my post.

  43. Anonymous

    Your friend doesn’t love to be generous. Your friend loves to be appreciated.

  44. Rosa Goes

    I would have pushed back on the lunch and insisted on coffee, reiterating that you got laid off. You would not have known this about her had you not gifted the prep course. Try to move forward without resentment. There may be reasons for her lack of appreciation.

  45. Anonymous

    Not even considering the expensive course gift .. your friend ignored your stated financial situation and strong armed you to go to the more expensive lunch spot. She should have picked up the tab based on that alone. She sounds self centered and tacky. Don’t do her anymore favors. Absolutely do not give her free tutoring. She’s shown you who she is. Move forward with all future interactions informed by this.

  46. GermFreeWriter63!

    She was not strong-armed. She simply did not assert herself and say "I will take a raincheck on lunch" and maybe, after getting the strong stench of self-absorption in the wind say, "I'm pretty busy with updating my CV so I will let you know about getting together" then not follow-up with the "friend". If she gives her a "second chance" loaded with excuses? What happens in the personal front may happen on the professional landscape is my concern for her.

  47. Anonymous

    Oh, just stop. This isn't a colleague or a business associate or an acquaintance or a stranger where you would naturally expect to have your guard up and your boundaries in place. This was a friend, someone you would have more of an expectation of trust and consideration and it sounds like there was nothing in the friend's behavoir prior to this to suggest any different. All this arm chair quarterbacking and judgement on someone giving the benefit of the doubt to a friend's motivation and behavior is truly annoying and complete BS. She was emotionally maneuvered and strong-armed into that lunch situation on the basis of friendship, period. Knowing something in hindsight is not a reflection of a failure to "assert herself". Imagine going through life assuming every friend is unworthy of trust and constantly asserting yourself so you don't get inadvertently dissapointed. And how completely patronizing to assume you need to be "concerned" for her professional landscape. Your comment has a strong stench of its own.

  48. GermFreeWriter63!

    Assumptions about people create much resentment, heartache, and being used. No strong-arming transpired. No one here knows the nature or length of this relationship. She presented the evidence in her post AND she posted her experience not because it was a cautionary tale but because she wanted people's thoughts. In other words, it appears she was in need of clarification of her situation. Therefore, if you are going to provide non-constructive rantings, you are not providing her feedback. Go back and re-read what he experience was with her "friend". Do not project your own feelings rather than go back to her experience. She reached out and you did not respond to her but wasted your time in scolding. I look forward to you directly responding to her and tell her what you would do.

  49. Anonymous

    Please read your own response here out loud to yourself in a mirror. You are the person presuming, projecting and scolding. Just stop with your judgements already. I did directly respond to her. You are literally responding on my original comment to her in which I gave feedback to which you decided to be authority on the OP’s professional life as well as her personal life. And you don’t get to define whether she was strong armed or not either. I can see on your other posts where you completely misread what her experience was as well. I look forward to you not offering anymore “feedback” based on misreading and misinterpreting her post. This about the OP, not about you.

  50. Anonymous

    First of all, congrats on the amazing accomplishment, and hope you get the job you want soon. Lastly, you are all around a better person than me because I would not have paid that check. She insisted on going to lunch when she knew it was out of your budget. You’re an all around more mature human than I am. The next step after lunch, I would have called the prep place saying I changed my mind and want my money back. (I mean they could’ve said no, but the call would’ve been made!)

  51. Shelly Edwards

    You paid $2000 for the prep course and spent the entire lunch giving her information and she didn’t at least buy you lunch? Find a new “friend.” That person is a user not a friend. Move on

  52. Anonymous

    Congratulations! Your "friend" should offer you something and needs to get their act together

  53. Anonymous

    From the outset, your “friend” sounds selfish, ungrateful and entitled.however, I will give her some benefit of the doubt as there are people out there that are totally out of “common sense” due to their upbringing or their dim wit personality. you did not say anything about what kind of person she is. She may not have ever intended to hurt you or be ungrateful to you. It could just be that she is so removed from reality that this makes sense to her. if so, I suggest you can give her another chance and maybe coach her about “common sense” and proper social equitte. I would like to get more details as this isn’t unusual. I have met people like this and you would be surprised how we could come across this way ourselves. Just not this extreme. so think about it! Was it intentional? Did she know what she was doing or is she just clueless?

  54. Anonymous

    I had a shitty experience with a past colleague (we were both laid off) /friend. We were both up for the same postion and my interview was fist. It was one of those nightmare self=recorded ones. I was able to tell her some of the questions. She didn't say thank you or anything, really. I was shocked as hell. I asked her about it and she said: I'm so stressed I'm not in a position to even say thank you right now--or somesuch. I absolutely couldn't believe it--so I asked a big group of friends and most said that I was looking at the whole thing wrong. Did I give her the info to help her or to get her to say thank you? If it was the former, then I had to not care about how she received it. Like a gift--you give it and how someone uses it is on them. I can't say I really agree, however it's worth knowing that a lot of people disagreed with me, so many must think like your friend thinks and agree with how she acted. As you said, you wouldn't acted differently but you know a gift should have no strings. And just as a reminder: you don't have to eat lunch because she's made a reservation and you don't have to tutor her. There is always room for 'no' in a friendship. She's not your boss or your jailer.

  55. GermFreeWriter63!

    First, since you contacted your fair-weather friend with enough advance time to cancel the reservations, this "friend" displayed no interest, no sympathy, no empathy and zero understanding of your situation. Then she has the gall to not offer to treat you to lunch. You, as a future attorney, MUST LEARN TO AND FOLLOW-THROUGH ON SAYING "NO". This person is NO FRIEND. She is self-serving and selfish. It is time for you to cut the cord. Do not make excuses for this person. Do not give her a benefit of any kind of doubt! You gifted her a $2k test prep?! That was $2000.00 you could have used to get through your current life speed bump. No coffees, no walks, no movies with this person. Think of yourself next time and every time now moving forward in your personal life and your professional life. FYI: work colleagues are not your friends.

  56. Anonymous

    Great advice. However, she's not a work colleague.

  57. Anonymous

    From the OPs description she was recently laid off and only after she gifted the course. And as the other responder noted, this was not a work colleague.

  58. GermFreeWriter63!

    It is a logical life lesson: guidelines in personal relationships can apply to the professional realm. Putting others before one's self leads to loss of boundaries. And, it does not matter how soon she was laid off after she gifted the $2k course. It was her reiterating her need to "save pennies". Too many people on this forum like to nitpick a responses wording rather than look at the bigger picture.

  59. Anonymous

    People are pointing out your incorrect assumptions regarding the friend being a work colleague (she isn't) and the gift being offered after she had been laid off (it was offered before she was laid off as per her post). This is not nipicking wording but pointing out errors in your comment which underpin your feedback,

  60. Anonymous

    You are correct. The gift was before I was laid off.

  61. surfnwrite

    As a threshold question WHY are you gifting someone a $2,000 bar course? Could you have in fact gotten a refund? Being that you were just laid off, it seems you could have used the money. Sorry, something about this does not add up.

  62. Anonymous

    It adds up perfectly. Perhaps you're not used to being the recipient of large gifts, but I have been both on the receiving and giving end and its been a gracious act of benelovence.

  63. surfnwrite

    ooh shots fired.

  64. IntentionGirl299847

    Are you a masochist or martyr personality type? Who gifts someone 2K that they are "friends" with and not married to or in a committed relationship with? That said , you agreed to give her the gift, agreed to meet for lunch, and did not state very clearly you were NOT paying for anything. She's a user and a taker so why keep her on?

  65. Anonymous

    Generous people gift large gifts and it has nothing to do with being a masochist or martyr. Sorry you haven't been blessed to experience this kind of benevolence.

  66. Carolina Perez Sanz

    I support you and I can’t understand how when someone asks for advice about a challenge they’re facing, there are so many responses in fact “blaming the victim”! We all react perfectly in hindsight—the problem is in the moment. A well-intentioned friend gave a gift which she then regretted for whatever reasons. Please don’t make her feel that she’s wrong!

  67. Jeri Tuck

    Your friend was inconsiderate, and you also self-abandoned. Both things can be true. I hear you and validate your experience as one that hurt you. If you do decide to tutor your friend, the parameters must be clearly outlined. Being unemployed, this could actually be a business opportunity. Decide on a price for tutoring services and define clearly (i.e., 2 x per week at 1 hour per session for example.) Pose it to your associate. But by all means, DO NOT agree to do it for free!

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