I have a coworker who is considered a "star", but treats me without respect

62 Comments

1. AnonymousDecember 9,2023 at 3:43AM UTC

   Unfortunately if your manager won't intercept on your behalf. How long have you been with the organization? Your colleague? What are your respective roles?

2. AnonymousDecember 9,2023 at 4:59AM UTC

   I have been there for 9 years, she started 2 years ago. My manager brought her soon after he started. He started 3 years ago. We both manage team, she is senior managers, I am a manager. I have the feeling she wants me out so she can take my team and probably be promoted even higher up. I was respected in the organization, but with the newer manager not sure anymore.

3. AnonymousDecember 9,2023 at 7:37AM UTC

   Most managers and corporations will tell you that you need to 1) approach the bully 2) document the behavior (log dates and examples, witnesses) 3) approach ombudsman or trustee for objective advice 4) discuss relocation options with HR if none of the discourse works

   ....in the majority of cases I witnessed over the last 14 years, the victims moved (10+) nearly 100% of the time. This video is worth a watch for recognizing it's NOT you at all that is the problem. https://youtu.be/marQriyYulo?si=9LVm5e4NMZKcdDO0

4. Sidney BristowDecember 10,2023 at 12:24AM UTC

   Thank you for posting this link. How eye-opening!

5. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 6:30AM UTC

   Thank you for the video. I have watched her before. She is a great help. This narcissistic tendency explains a lot.

6. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 7:39PM UTC

   Holy buckets! That video hit the nail on the head! Thank you for sharing that.

7. Sarah ChambersDecember 11,2023 at 10:10AM UTC

   Really appreciate this video!
   LOVE love LOVE she focuses on Integrity

8. AnonymousDecember 9,2023 at 1:48PM UTC

   Communication in emails will help backup what was and was not shared. A follow up of notes from meetings being sent will also be a good idea. If you learn of information being withheld email to get that communication back. Documentation will support your concerns.

9. AnonymousDecember 14,2023 at 2:13AM UTC

   And copy other people on those emails, like hey I think there was a meeting re x and I didn't receive an invite, can one of your confirm this? Or I need x document, can one of your provide me with a copy. If the other folks who are on the emails ask you why they are being copied, respond privately with the truth, this person is keeping you out of stuff and you need witnesses. Chances are some of them have already noticed this and are experiencing similar behavior. Unleash the power of the rumormill and they likely won't be a star any more. And make sure your manager is always copied and that emails are forwarded to HR so that they can't keep ignoring the issue. Don't be polite or quiet about her cutting you out of stuff that you need to do your job. Make sure as many folks as possible know that work is suffering because of her behavior

10. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 3:41AM UTC

    You don't need to outsmart this person. The only thing you need to do is be good at your job and make sure your boss likes you. Heck, in some companies/teams sometimes having your boss like you is all that matters.

11. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 6:32AM UTC

    Someone said that in the majority of cases the victim is the one who ends up leaving, not the bully coworker. How sad is that! Why do we let other people ruin others? Because we are too nice? Very disappointing.

12. GirlBossanova934974December 10,2023 at 2:00PM UTC

    This may upset some but this is not bullying. This is DIRTY office politics. And unfortunately, this is the way many companies are run these days. Passive aggressive attacks all day and all night long. Bullying in my viewpoint is being openly confrontational. Out front. No holds barred. The better question to be asking is why is this behavior being practiced? EASY answer. It is being rewarded. The person playing the dirty office politics is usually very insecure and feels very threatened......SO HOW do deal with this? Answer: Maximize your time in front of peers and management. GET the word out about how good you are! Make sure you ALWAYS get credit for the work you do. And when the dirty office politics types are shown up, look bad, or get embarrassed, DO NOT COVER for them. No team player stuff. Last, remember one thing. When the rewards for dirty office politics end, the bad behaviors will end aka the problem employee will probably leave the organization.......They are pretty sharp types in one sense. They know when the jig is up and it's time to move on......

13. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 2:08PM UTC

    same but it is my manager that does this. toxic workplace

14. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 2:31PM UTC

    I think we are living the same life right now. I have no advice because I’m in the same situation and don’t know what to do. I have one director who sees it and tries to stand up for me but the others are blinded by how she acts sweet and innocent in front of the higher ups and then takes her claws out when they’re not around

15. Chrissy Regan SmytheDecember 10,2023 at 5:09PM UTC

    Try asking “innocent” questions in front of others. Oh, hey, Amy, i know you’re busy but you still haven’t sent me that data i need to complete (task). The deadline is fast approaching as you know, so if you could schedule time today to get that done that’d be great. Beat her at the kindness BS she is slinging. I’d also ask her if she just has too much on her plate to handle. She will be seething.(i know, I’ve lived it) but she will have to live up to promises she makes in front of the higher ups eventually.

16. Elizabyth HarringtonDecember 10,2023 at 2:32PM UTC

    Find another job. This is indicative of a bad company. If the company puts up with this type of behavior, it’s not going to be limited to one person. You might be able to address the one person, but obviously this is how people at this company are encouraged to behave in order to get ahead. I just left a company because it turned out the one problem child was part of a network who all promoted the same type of person. I am sooooooooo much happier being in a place where I feel much more valued.

17. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 2:43PM UTC

    I dealt with dirty office politics for four years and finally left.
    I had a very senior officer in the corporation tell me that “those types” don’t last long in senior roles because others see them for what they are and they either are let go or move on. The problem employee wasn’t in that senior officers organization so couldn’t do anything. When I gave my notice, I replied that it hadn’t happened for four years and I was tired. I did network and show how my contributions were critical, etc. as recommended in some of the other answers. I overcame a lot, and my reputation is intact after much effort, but this person would just find a new angle of attack and was protected in their org structure. Despite all the great work I did, recognition I received, and the contributions I made that fundamentally changed the company for the better, I was still in a battle after all that time. Many times I wish I had left earlier because the end result was the same. Some things for you to think about:

    does the other person have a protector that has more power than your boss?

    does the other person have a long history at the company?

    does your work depend or connect to his/her work ?

    does your success depend on the other person’s cooperation or contributions?

    if yes to any of these things, I’d strongly consider looking now.

18. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 3:10PM UTC

    Many bullies back down.

    Stand firm.

    If she is withholding information which is critical for your job function, involve management or say opening in group meetings: “Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I have not been included on emails/meetings regarding xx task/project. How can we create a better system that ensure I get the information necessary for my part in order for our team to deliver on xx project? Or can I get better clarity on the role?”

    Because if her powergrabbing is preventing you from being able to work effectively, the team/project/company will suffer. And that becomes a management problem.

19. Chrissy Regan SmytheDecember 10,2023 at 5:04PM UTC

    Great answer! I agree with this strategy. Be firm but calm. Expose who she really is. I’ve confronted bullies in the workplace but found the best strategy is calming stating the facts in front of everyone. I’ve stated in meetings that I’m here to do a good job that moves the company forward, not make myself look good. If you can’t function with the rest of us as a team, why are you here?

20. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

    Yes if management allows this behavior then she is untouchable. She might even want your job. Anyway, it doesn't sound like a solution is available unless she can be assigned away from you.

21. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 6:33PM UTC

    I would go into HR and ask them to intervene. Try that before you just quit and let this person take you out of a role that you may be great at. Professional jealousy and women not supporting women because of competition for attention is one of the rampant issues that affect many women today. If you let her get away with it you lose much more than you think. Put it in writing that her behavior needs to stop and that you expect the same respect you give her to be given to you. You got this sister!

22. AnonymousDecember 14,2023 at 2:05AM UTC

    Yes, and when you confirm things in email, copy your manager, forward to HR, make sure that you are making this issue their issue as well. Don't leave before you have done what you could to maker higher level leadership and HR address the issue and not just ignore it.

23. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 8:38PM UTC

    Definitely time to find something new. For her to be the "star" and treating you that way, the company glorifies that type of behavior. Starts from the top and on down....

24. AnonymousDecember 10,2023 at 8:55PM UTC

    I had the exact same issue in my old job. I finally gave up and quit

25. Terry CostelloDecember 10,2023 at 9:52PM UTC

    It is things like this that makes me think, why do I want to go back into the workplace.

    I too have been Harrassed, Discriminated and Terminated for not getting clear instructions.

    I have learned that it takes two to tangle, two to make a Team.

    I am quite happy with not working.

    My life would even be happier if I won the lottery.

26. Kimberly AnneDecember 12,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

    Agree!

27. AnonymousDecember 11,2023 at 3:06AM UTC

    People like her have learned their craft. They have started manipulation long ago. And they do not care about other people. This is why decent people are often helpless. Documentation could help, but it is tedious and it has to be established against longer time. Would there be something like a trap to lure her in? Something she wouldn't expect. Something that would make her look bad.

28. AnonymousDecember 11,2023 at 2:24PM UTC

    I was in a similar situation.

    Went to management and finally HR. It took about a year but she was finally terminated. Not for being a bully or harassing many employees but because she got cocky! She was consistently committing time theft and finally got caught. Best part? It was all on camera.

    People like this typically aren't just mean. Try to find what else they are doing. Trust me, they are breaking company policy somehow.

    My advice, if you can afford to leave and you feel that's best, leave. But know that she isn't going to stop. I personally couldn't afford to leave without something else to go to. So I stayed while looking and applying. But I also didn't give up on trying to get her to stop. I kept going to my manager with issues and serious concerns.

29. AnonymousDecember 11,2023 at 2:56PM UTC

    She is no 'Star'. She is an insecure, mean person that has to denigrate others by keeping information to herself, in order to make herself look good. Have met many along the way that act like this and they are pathetic people. Keep your head held high and take the high road. It will catch up with her at some point.

30. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 1:31PM UTC

    Good advice. My add to it is "document the occurrences". Not to take to HR but to have an outlet for your frustrations. It is also added insurance in case any formal accusations are made against your work. Keep the "log" away from the office. My "terror" went through my desk over the weekend. Eventually karma comes around.

31. Leader195795December 11,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

    You are probably not the only one, The problem with a workplace bully is everyone is afraid to say anything and if you are the target they are relieved it’s not them. This is serious not only for you but the organization at large. If you are considering leaving them you are experiencing a hostile work environment. Most people leave in fear of retaliation, but when HR hears the word hostile they know there is a problem. That problem is that you have officially documented an issue and they have to address it. This is not easy to do and it is up to you to pursue or not. I am truly sorry that you are dealing with a bully, it’s the worse!

32. AnonymousDecember 11,2023 at 5:16PM UTC

    Workplace bullies are so horrible. I worked with one at a new job. He left me out of meetings and information I needed and once even made faces while I was speaking! He sabotaged me at a board meeting. I left, furious and humiliated while he was well thought of by everyone! I am still a little traumatized at the memory of it.

33. AnonymousDecember 11,2023 at 9:15PM UTC

    That exact thing happened to me at one company. Your perception is that everyone is good with it. Chances are they are not all good with it but they don't know what to do or say or they don't want to get involved because the manager can do that to them if they wanted too.

    I had someone pull me to the side and tell me that he was sorry for the person's behavior. He was embarrassed and angry about it, but for the reasons I said above, was unable to help. It made me feel so much better, even though it wasn't a solution.

    I ended up quitting and suing and holding my ground. It was a torturous 2 years post quitting, but I wasn't going to back down this time. I did just fine. And you will too.

    Don't give them the power to keep you traumatized. Just be good to yourself and decide how much you will put up with.

34. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 4:10AM UTC

    Thank you so much. This really helps.

35. AnonymousDecember 11,2023 at 5:54PM UTC

    It's more common than one would think. Sounds like you made the right decision. I left a job due to my two immediate "leaders" who were disrespectful to the team.

36. Lilye Stallworth ChaffinDecember 11,2023 at 6:49PM UTC

    I endured the same until I stood up for myself. Be professional no matter what, rise above the situation and tell them with a smile in front of whoever is around about the job not anything personal-that’s petty. Maintain your composure, don’t let them see you sweat. Walk away and breathe.

37. AnonymousDecember 11,2023 at 7:32PM UTC

    The "star" is emboldened and you should stay out of their way until you find something else.

38. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 1:24PM UTC

    I've found that workplace bullies are often backed up by people above them - that's one of the things that emboldens them. Try talking to HR but beware they sometimes will protect the company more than you. Or talk to the bully. However, if your efforts don't work you will have to leave. If you do, maintain your composure and find a kinder more respectful workplace. That is what you deserve.

39. AnonymousDecember 13,2023 at 1:30AM UTC

    And there’s always a lawyer…

40. Kimberly AnneDecember 12,2023 at 1:28PM UTC

    Yes I had to leave two jobs in healthcare because of a few people like this who were just horrible people. I don’t have to work and I rather have my sanity and health than extra money. I’m now selling online with Poshmark. It’s sad how no one helps or even cares. I went to my boss and HR and even detailed what happened in my exit interview. No one cares. Then they wonder why no one wants to work!

41. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 1:30PM UTC

    It seems you are dealing with a vulnerable narcissist. Tread lightly with such kind. Once they discover that you understand their tactics, they will go further into DARVO mode and a work mob that cannot be won against the bully and her enablers. Avoid her, talk to HR immediately, or seek another role with no contact with this NPD.

42. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 1:31PM UTC

    Document the official offenses - like excluding critical information, bad mouthing you, etc. These are actual HR violations. The "star," shouldn't be someone who violates work policy and cultural norms. She's creating a toxic work environment and you have proof. Sorry you have to deal with this. The fact that HR won't means they will lose talent and aren't doing their jobs. Talk to a trusted mentor, boss or superior, as well. Let them know that HR isn't helping - you've got multiple issues going on here.

43. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 3:02PM UTC

    Move ALL communication with the star to EMAIL to document actions and target dates/times. Make the emails pleasant: "Star, just confirming what we recently discussed today around 1:00p..."

44. Erin PettDecember 12,2023 at 4:32PM UTC

    A - Kill her with kindness, and document everything.

    B - Don't try to outsmart her, but keep your boundaries solid and remember the mantra Not My Monkeys, Not my circus and just do your job... if you miss things that impact your work email her politely asking her going forward to do X because by *document her actions* you were unable to do *document the problem*

    Rinse and repeat...

    AND IF ITS STRESSING YOU OUT.... LEAVE

45. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 7:46PM UTC

    We need to stop killing people with kindness that are terrible people.
    The extra kindness only resonates as weakness with people that are looking to break you down. Instead, practice professionalism, firmness and being highly efficient. No one can argue with a job well done. No one can argue consistentcy and a pleasant encounter. Do not engage their silliness ever and cut to the point always ie “I’m not sure what you’re asking” or “what is it you need my help on”? If they are off loading their work get it in writing and submit it to your manager and HR that your work is now being delegated by your colleagues. If they agree to it then plan on finding another job asap because the company is agreeing on paper to your abuse and they won’t help you. I know this sounds harsh but I’ve been bullied by the best of them and most times I be had to suffer silently. It I learned that if I have to go down, I’m going out with my dignity and reputation in tact. You can’t have that too.

46. Erin PettDecember 12,2023 at 9:32PM UTC

    Oh...to be clear by kindness, I mean exactly what you have stated above. My kindness means that anyone looking at it from the outside who is a professional will never consider my actions uncalled for or exacerbative to the situation.

    My kindness often gets mistaken for weakness. It works for me as it allows me to easily set them up for a multitude of painful consequences that I'm easily able to deflect any culpability for as I've been so professional and polite in giving them just what they asked for.....

47. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 8:09PM UTC

    I documented every detail of the passive aggressive treatment. Since the narcissist could sell her victimhood to HR, HR never even considered my side of the story. You can document it all day long, but an emotional employee who can storytell trumps documentation when it comes to HR.

48. Erin PettDecember 12,2023 at 9:17PM UTC

    Been there dealt with that.... HR was actually reprimanding the person in meetings for what he was saying. My response was I have that in a PDF that you can check the modification date for my version... didn't help.

    BUT at the end of the day... I can only control myself. The only person I have to answer to is the face I see in the morning every day.... so I opt for doing what I want the girl in the mirror to be proud of.

    I had documentation to validate my actions. BEST FIRING EVER!!! Ended up interviewing for a great position the next day which resulted in me working in Europe for two years.

49. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 10:57PM UTC

    Erin - you are my inspiration!

50. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 4:53PM UTC

    I've had this happen in the past. What made it worse was the person bullying me was junior to me. She was VERY sneaky and badmouthed me behind my back and lied, claiming I said and did things I never did (I found out about these claims she made almost a year later). She did it to get me pushed off a project, and put herself in the lead role so she would get promoted. She got exactly what she planned. You can't outsmart people like that unless you are built like that, and I'm not. I decided to leave because it also showed me that the leadership was easily deceived, couldn't see that she lacked skills and was pawning her work off onto others, and was a bully. I lost confidence in the organization and knew that good people would never be successful there. If you can find an exit, leave because this behavior is the symptom of a bigger systemic problem.

51. AnonymousDecember 12,2023 at 8:13PM UTC

    DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender.

    NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder

    Unfortunately, I never knew these terms (and the term gaslighting) until I was treated as such by a colleague.

    Think Regina George from Mean Girls that makes it into the corporate world with no change in behavior or attitude to others.

52. shawnta brownDecember 13,2023 at 12:15AM UTC

    i wouldnt have left.. but your peace is worth more than any amoiunt of money. trust when i say people like that may stay in a position for a while but when KARMA coming knocking at her front door...she better be ready because its gone to hit her like WWE!

53. AnonymousDecember 13,2023 at 3:25AM UTC

    I am convinced that decent people are often helpless as they cannot even imagine all the indecent actions others are doing. Sad, but true. When you figure out what is going on it is often too late. Two choices: leave or do not care. Try to outsmart, but the other person's actions are often so blatant, that it is difficult. I found HR not helpful.

54. Melissa PinckneyDecember 13,2023 at 6:23AM UTC

    I wouldn’t allow that for any reason and it’s sick that ppl are capable of doing something like this in order to advance but I know it does I’ve had it happen and still have it happening to myself and I fight it every day do not let her get away with it and make you quit if you do she wins.

55. Brandee NelsonDecember 13,2023 at 2:53PM UTC

    It is hard to understand when there is no clear reason for the way a person treats you. No one treats anyone poorly without some reason or motive. What makes it worse if the treat seam to be targeted to you. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Is there a formal respect in the work place complaint you can put in ?

56. AnonymousDecember 13,2023 at 4:52PM UTC

    Document. Document. Document then use key words. Bullied, harassed, undermined. There are a list of trigger words that typically scare HR because they then know you will file an EEOC claim (if you are in the US) or you will sue. Pending on your age if over 40 that adds another factor as age discrimination can come into play but either way you don't deserve this.

57. Jodi PetersDecember 13,2023 at 4:54PM UTC

    RUN. let her be their problem. You deserve better

58. Lisa Bracco SpinelliDecember 13,2023 at 5:49PM UTC

    If no one is willing to do anything about her, you're best off leaving. That shows you what the company and its leaders are really like and what they value. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be honesty or integrity.

59. AnonymousDecember 13,2023 at 7:35PM UTC

    Those type of people are all over, new job will have them also. Eventually those types will sink their own ship, don't throw them a life line they will eventually get it.

60. AnonymousDecember 14,2023 at 12:17AM UTC

    Respect is not a given in a work place. You can go to another place and there will be someone there that doesn't like you. Getting left out of meetings and withholding information is another story. Fighting a losing battle just depletes your energy and accomplishes nothing positive. You can copy email about meetings your were not informed of to your manager, their manager and HR - and do that every time it happens. Leave emotion out of it and just say, were sad to miss such-n-such meeting as you were missed in being informed, or you needed to have information that you did not get Start documenting it. It will either make the situation worse or help. React accordingly

61. AnonymousDecember 14,2023 at 1:41AM UTC

    I think the manager does not want to get involved. She probably delivers, but on the backs of others. Maybe the best course of action is to focus on other aspects of the work to shine and document when something is not accomplished because information was not passed along.

62. AnonymousDecember 18,2023 at 3:54PM UTC

    Unfortunately it's a lost battle, I had a similar experience in the past and also witnessed others. They consider him a "rockstar" so they will never do anything to let him go. I suggest to run and find a better place with a better culture.