My coworker is bossing me around

34 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 6:08PM UTC

   Has she always done this or did it just start?

2. maria roseAugust 28,2023 at 6:19PM UTC

   There’s a lot of information left out concerning this workplace situation ( I don’t think there’s only 2 people in the setting). If so then it’s a group of coworkers who are working together. The anonymous person who wrote this post is complaining about one specific individual who has probably been given a specific assignment to involve all the teammate coworkers to motivate them to a higher efficiency level and this poster is annoyed at being asked to work with a different performance level above their comfort level—get X amount of work done in X amount of time. If this person ( the anonymous of the post) has an involved member of the group, they would have known that changes were being made and expected performance levels would be expected. No one works in a vacuum at work and just shows up and spends the time being there without doing something. The workplace requirements changed. Now if this poster doesn’t like the new workplace expectations and the need to get things done in a certain way because they don’t like to be pressured or asked to get it done, they are free to decide on changing their jobs ( finding a new workplace that accepts their performance as it is) or work on their performance at work as requested.

3. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 6:24PM UTC

   Wow! You just created an entire story that doesn’t exist in this post. Sounds like you have some unresolved issue with a past work experience that you are projecting onto her.

4. maria roseAugust 30,2023 at 7:17PM UTC

   Since you are using the anonymous method of replying, I can only assume that you are basing your response on literal interpretation versus looking at full facts of the situation described. No one works at any workplace for any extended period of time without having workplace changes occurring. The anonymous person who made this post has worked for 8 months and stated clearly that they know how to do their job but did not clarify enough how they adjusted their performance when asked to do certain tasks—it appears that has something to do with a script of required asks—think set of words that someone in marketing thinks is helpful to achieve a goal— Whether this anonymous person who made the post is doing it is not the discussion but they are asking about why someone who is in their eyes a mere coworker suddenly correcting them constantly. You might think that I created a whole new version story with my reply but my intent was to get the anonymous person who posted the post to expand the details of the situation beyond what they presented—their negative reaction to “suddenly” after 8 months being corrected on their job performance especially since they know their job so well and get the same emails as everyone else on changes. We are not told what kind of changes were made that effect job performance that they state that they are doing correctly. The only thing that I got from the post is that everyone works independently of the other employees but the entire workforce is team with the same end goal result which is now being monitored for performance achievement in each individual employee, and none of the coworkers usually have had any comments on their performance directly from their immediate supervisor, as they mostly work solo—but now this individual has a coworker who is guiding/ reacting to any deviations in procedures and they claim to not know why the other worker is doing this.

5. AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 12:43PM UTC

   Are you her? Or do you bully people?

6. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 6:20PM UTC

   I would not confront her. I would go to your manager and use the fact that you’re still new and ask for clarification on the reporting lines. You could ask if there was a recent or upcoming change that you are not looped in on as your colleague has been providing directives on projects and you want to ensure you are following the proper chain of command and not over stepping. Don’t present it like tattle tailing , but more as asking for your own clarification so that you are following the correct process and wanting to be a successful team member.

   I had a situation like this once and it turned out my team member thought I reported to him when in fact he was jr to me. It wasn’t until he got nasty that I realized that’s what he thought and I had to escalate the matter. There was no hope for him at that point and he was reassigned to a different team.

   Get ahead of it if you can, it’s best for both of you.

7. AnonymousAugust 31,2023 at 3:37PM UTC
   I had a very anxious coworker with several years more than me here, who initially trained me when I was new, become overly involved in my comings and goings, would "remind, because afraid I would forget," with no performance basis for that concern, many hours before deadlines just could not handle the lack of control of having to watch to see if I would fail, and then take credit and assume her reminder was my sole safety net from said failure, not the thing I'd scheduled my own reminder and planned workflow around to complete in ample time... so she slowly escalated with the concern-trolling and planted a bug in the ear of the then-Supervisor that she was "afraid [I] was going to drop the ball." and what if, what if, what if...

   I finally asked him, did you ask her to intervene, and become involved in my comings and goings, because I already report to you, and our manager concerning attendance, health, and schedule related matters, and was not aware I needed to respond to colleagues concerning my schedule or medical appointments, beyond to communicate if/when some critical coverage was going to be needed. She was just so eager to catch me doing something wrong once my performance was demonstrably strong that she was shaping a false perception, and thankfully, learned she was not appointed boss of me, and was actually repeatedly coached to stay in her lane, and told that somehow I wasn't dropping these balls, and if this was a real concern, she was going to have to worry about her own performance, and "let [me] fail," for any actionable evidence of it to materialize. It wasn't as if she was going to be held responsible for MY work or failings.

   Things came to head with this colleague again, not a year later, when that supervisor was backfilled and she began testing the waters again and doing the same toxic smoke and mirrors, and tattling as to my whereabouts (often previously communicated) with that supervisor. So I saw the pattern of busy-bodying sneaking back in while she tested the new limits with the old behaviors, and nipped that in the bud by providing the history of what previous leadership guidance and issue with boundaries had been, because it seemed she was trying her luck again at the old "play manager until someone actually believes it, passive-aggressive undermining" games.

   We have a good working relationship now, and she learned to trust me, but it took about 2 years of having to set and enforce boundaries, deal with emotional outbursts "I guess I just never do anything right!", sobbing on team calls where her pushiness, uninvited, or inappropriate speculations were rejected and redirected.

   I wish you best of luck and direct communication, and hope if your outcome resembles mine, that at least your journey doesn't have to.

8. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 7:02PM UTC

   If all of a sudden this started happening, then some discussion was had that gave your colleague the message that she is now over you. She did not come to this decision on her own.

   So I would definitely speak with your manager to clearly understand what changes have been communicated to your coworker so you are on the same page.

9. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 8:18AM UTC

   These are such weird assumptions. People "come to this decision" on their own every day. It is very common, especially in competitive work environments, for some workers to start grabbing as much responsibility/power as possible with NO direction from management to do so, just so that they can try to claim they are owed a promotion when the time comes. I've worked with (and managed) a ton of people who have done this. You absolutely cannot assume that this is a secret managerial decision.

   If it does turn out to be management directing this weird secret takeover, it's time to look for a new job.

10. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 3:13PM UTC

    This. There are some people who want to get promoted so they’ll start ‘managing’ others to try to say ‘See? I have management skills!’ I see this with newly promoted managers too. They over-manage (or rather, micromanage) so that they can say they can ‘manage’ come review time.

    I say it’s fine for someone to take on new responsibilities and demonstrate their skills and ambition to get ahead, but not at your, or anyone else’s, expense.

11. AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 2:43PM UTC

    that's what I thought. If a manager thought I was doing my job poorly, they would have spoken to me privately and given me an action plan to do better

12. AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 12:40PM UTC

    Want a bet? Lol. There are tons of jerks like her. They absolutely can’t stand a new person coming in and outshining them. This is a form of bullying and it has happened to me. And managers usually do nothing. At least where I worked in a major healthcare business.

13. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 7:04PM UTC

    Is she telling you what to do or showing you what to do?

    Is she telling you to do something you know you should be doing or telling you something new to do?

14. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 11:09PM UTC

    for instance, lets say someone new walks in and I would have to sell them a membership of some sort. She would tell me word for word. Well you should mention to them the promotion we have at the moment (side note: Im aware of the promotion, I also got the email) and then if they do not sign offer them a second class. I've been working here for 8 months I think I know how to handle my job. This is just one of the many things she would tell me and she would also use a lot of "did you finish so and so"

15. maria roseAugust 29,2023 at 9:31PM UTC

    If this response is from the anonymous who put this article on for discussion, it sure sounds like you are being given re-enforcement follow up directives to perform the job in the exact manner now required by the job. The coworker is probably following a directive from a higher up because this is a mandatory procedure. Someone noticed that you, despite getting the same exact message with instructions via email, is doing a retraining effort with the constant reminder by this coworker. Since you are saying quite clearly that you don’t need to be told what to do ( based on your statement I have been here 8 months and I know how to do my job), may I offer the suggestion that you go directly to the manager and ask them why a coworker is doing this since you know exactly what to do.

16. AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 2:41PM UTC

    she stopped telling me what to do and I think it's because I put her in her place

17. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 7:53PM UTC

    Are you sure the manager hasn't asked them to step in?
    I've had a manager that didn't want to 'deal' with a co-worker and asked me to step in. AGREE, it was not fair for either of us, and it created uneasiness at times, but if I kept myself in check I know it was welcome and accepted feedback, because of MY tone, demeanor, and asking for help from them to understand the situation. OFTEN, I felt I had to give TOO much feedback and would put it in front of the manager asking them to do it, but would be still told that I can deliver that info/training opportunity. I did come to a point in this, as I was the most tenured and knowledgeable, to let the manager know that I feel this team member is over me getting involved with these things, that I'm their coworker and sense it had become micro-handling. Yes, the team member should have been separated, but the manager struggles with managing others that aren't performing and often themselves picks up the slack of this under-performing coworker. That's on them, if they want to continue to NOT help them be better. SO, I would ask, first, the manager. " I want to make sure I'm prioritizing what you want me to focus on as I know the coworker Connie is also giving me some work to do as well, how would you like for me to handle this?' THEN, if they just answer, I would then Connie, ask, 'why am I getting direction from Connie'. Be kind in the ask, but ask.

18. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 8:31PM UTC

    Sounds like your coworker has been given the job of overseeing you. So it appears you haven't been let in on the new arrangements.

19. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 8:15AM UTC

    That's a huge assumption based on the original post. It could just as easily be that the coworker has decided to take responsibilities that aren't hers. The OP specifically says this coworker is not a manager.

20. AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 12:48PM UTC

    Not a manager yet.

21. AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 12:18PM UTC

    Yes, exactly. As was said above, not a manager. Not yet is still not.

22. Gretchen SkalkaAugust 28,2023 at 9:49PM UTC

    Hi Sara - your answer here is really important.

    If this behavior just started, can you think back to when and what may have been happening at work at the time?

    Cause and effect are important when trying to deal with any emergent circumstance.

    And that's important because we're all creatures of habit, which makes the likelihood of you encountering this from someone else down the road a lot bigger.

    If you're able to work through this one, you'll be able to work through similar situations going forward.

    Was there something you can think of that was happening around the time she started behaving this way toward you?

23. AnonymousAugust 28,2023 at 11:05PM UTC

    I don't recall anything, I had just come back from vacation 2 weeks ago and thats when I noticed it.

24. Gretchen SkalkaAugust 28,2023 at 11:44PM UTC

    Could very likely be that something happened in your absence that she's responding to - which doesn't help, I know.

    But two weeks is a workable amount of time for correction.

    If there's been no announcement or update to you personally that there is a new reporting structure - this is the time to ask for input from your direct supervisor.

    Upfront, simple, professional.

    You're confused by getting direction from multiple people since you returned from vacation.

    Is there a new reporting structure you need to be aware of?

    You don't need to read in your frustrations - you just need to know what the deal is.

    Added bonus by not reading in your frustrations is that it doesn't overplay your hand or put you at a disadvantage IF there has been an official change not communicated to you.

    Plus plus - it shows your willingness to understand and continue to add value.

    Then the question is - what do you do with the information you get?

    If there is NO new structure and you're asked 'why, what's going on that makes you ask?' - you don't want to be disparaging to your colleague because that never goes over the way people think it will.

    You can simply return to the original issue - getting direction from multiple people.

    If, on the other hand, there HAS been a change not communicated to you -- you want to be ready to handle that information as well.

    THAT will require a bit more delicacy, thought and definite action.

25. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 12:30PM UTC

    After 8 months this doesn't suddenly happen. She got this manager directive from someone higher up. So I would not tell her anything before you find out what the plan is.

26. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 1:57PM UTC

    Just ask her- “I’m a bit confused and am hoping you can help me understand why you are giving me job direction. Our manager hasn’t said anything about this to me, so I’m wondering if you’re aware of something I am not.” That way if she’s being bossy you’ve shot across the bough while being aware you might not know the entire story. Ideally this should come from your manager but nowadays managers are so conflict avoidant (which is poor management) they don’t want to get into any fights so they could have stuck your coworker on a bad spot she doesn’t want. Good luck.

27. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 3:33PM UTC

    I think you should ask her directly why she suddenly feels the need to direct your work. Keep it simple. If it doesn't change then bring your manager into the conversation.

28. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 3:01PM UTC

    Either have a 1x1 with your manager to get clarification and have that in writing.

    Or when in conversation with your coworker, I would loop in your manager and kindly ask for direction on the roles & responsibilities. Wish you the best!

29. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 4:34PM UTC

    That happened to me - and in a few months later she was "offically" promoted as my supervisor. I tried asking but was rebuffed. Then I was laid off and she's still with company.

30. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 6:55PM UTC

    we are having our quarterly meeting today, who knows she might be promoted

31. AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 6:35AM UTC

    Was she?

32. AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 2:38PM UTC

    SHE WAS NOT

33. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 6:55PM UTC

    we have our quarterly meeting today, so we'll see what happens

34. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 12:22AM UTC

    Got to agree.....something was discussed and she was tasked to oversee you