Good relationship with project manager turned cold

38 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 10,2023 at 4:23PM UTC

   You could have a conversation with him or you could match his energy, and I would do the latter personally. You never know what happened, maybe you're interested in finding out why, and maybe it's private for him, it could be a million things, related to you or not. If you're both professional and decent, then I am of the mindset if someone has an issue, they'll bring it up. Also, you might not like or agree with his reason. I would keep it professional and keep it moving.

2. surfnwriteSeptember 12,2023 at 1:37PM UTC

   In my opinion, matching his energy will make things go from bad to worse. A carefully crafted question to him might yield answers. I'd try that first.

3. AnonymousSeptember 10,2023 at 7:42PM UTC

   ASK him!

4. AnonymousSeptember 11,2023 at 1:22AM UTC

   Since it's most likely not within his role to be a constant resource, he's probably looking to focus on his own responsibilities and doesn't want it to appear like he's your support system.

   I would do all you can to be self sufficient and fir those few items he supports give him plenty of room to supply his information.

5. Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career CoachSeptember 11,2023 at 7:09PM UTC

   There's nothing wrong with scheduling a meeting and flat out asking him. He may not even recognize that he is slow to respond to you or he may really just have priorities that are taking precedent over what you need.

6. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 12:20PM UTC

   Just ask.

7. Maggie StoneSeptember 12,2023 at 1:10PM UTC

   Agree with everyone here that asking him directly in a professional and courteous way is the best option. I wouldn’t assume anything; that will only send you down a rabbit hole of rumination. However, would guess that this probably has nothing to do with you or something you have done.

8. Jacqueline CutlerSeptember 12,2023 at 1:41PM UTC

   I would ask, but keep it very casual. If you try to make it a meeting or something more formal, he very well could decline that. But if you just stop at his office door, don't even enter and casually ask if you inadvertently did something to alienate him, that might be best. But ask.

9. Focused721350September 12,2023 at 2:50PM UTC

   Good Morning,

   Well! In my opinion people talk a lot. Especially! in office environment. I CALL IT GOSSIP!!!! It might of been totally innocent to you both. But! Others nah! So! I'm thinking he's pulled back because someone mentioned it looked a bit to chummy! Like I said! Only my opinion. Sorry! Young lady. I hope you can get some closer on it.

   Good Luck and God Bless you, Ms. T ;)

10. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 3:57PM UTC

    Please consider updating language to use your words more appropriately and effectively. "Young lady," really has no place in any professional discussion, even had she not already advised she was in her 40s (which makes her old enough to conceivably be a grandma). Thank you.

11. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 4:49PM UTC

    Perhaps the person who commented is in her 70s and 80s and to her a "40ish" woman is a young lady. You're way too anal about this. This is a combo professional-social platform.

12. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 6:26PM UTC

    "Young lady" is in no way relevant here or in a workplace, assumes much, is too patronizing and familiar to even border on any "combo" including the word professionalism, sorry but no, babe. Maybe it's just me being "anal" but the statistics (for those who have ever bothered to review and understand them) indicate plainly that emphasis on gendering and ghettoizing people in the workplace has never gotten anyone more respect, autonomy, or compensation. Do you like evidence? See also "pink collar ghetto," or "feminization of clerical work," but if complex analysis gives you headaches, sure just do you, with the head back there in the sand there, doll.

13. AnonymousSeptember 13,2023 at 11:00AM UTC

    Oh my. You're too uptight.

14. Balanced372207September 13,2023 at 1:22PM UTC

    Was that necessary?

15. Focused721350September 13,2023 at 3:13PM UTC

    I can say Young Lady If I choose too! To me she is! No! I'm actually in my early 60's and I was saying it with respect. Don't worry about what I write. You put your two sense in where it belongs and it isn't here with me. Please! Consider your own business and stop worrying about what I wrote. You sound like a total SNOB!

16. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluSeptember 12,2023 at 2:57PM UTC

    From the information you posted, you seem to already know the root cause . . . .You appeared to be a "favored" employee, folks in the department called him on it, and he is attempting to correct the impression that you receive "special treatment". . . .

    Continue to act with professionalism, and understand that he too has pressures and expectations to deal with. If his input is essential to the completion of a task or project, alert him to that fact in an email, and suggest a timeframe needed for the efficient completion of said task.

17. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 6:58PM UTC

    I agree sounds like it looked to be more of a friendship instead of a work relationship to other coworkers. Sounds like once it was brought to his attention he realized it was not very professional. You talk about work with opposite sex coworkers and just work. Your personal life should never in my opinion be brought into the work environment your just asking for issues to arise. This does not mean he’s angry just means he has to place boundaries with employees and obviously needed the reminder.

18. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 3:13PM UTC

    I was wrongfully terminated from my last employer based job, because I was disabled (which they knew about when I was hired over 15+ years before they terminated me). My former employer also initially lied to our state unemployment office and told them that I was fired for cause, which wasn't true. So, I received a letter from my state's unemployment office telling me this, I went and filed an immediate appeal early on Friday morning and by Monday afternoon I had all my backpay plus the previous weeks benefits in my mailbox for me to take to my bank. When they discovered that I had filed an official complaint against them with the EEOC, my former employer decided not to fight the reversal of my unemployment benefits by my state's unemployment office, I made sure to let my state's unemployment office know that they were retaliating due to my having filed an EEOC complaint against them. Eventually, the EEOC helped me reach a financial settlement with my former employer, and I was able to start my own small business where I'm much happier now. while I miss some of my former co-workers, and some of my former regular customers; I don't miss the continued harassment and other forms of discrimination that I dealt with on a regular basis by management.

19. Marcia SmithSeptember 12,2023 at 4:06PM UTC

    wow - I am so sorry that you had to endure such a terrible situation. But I'm glad to hear that the company was made to pay for their wrongdoing and hope you feel justly compensated for all they put you through. It's always good to hear when the employee wins - that is so rarely the case. Much happiness and success to you in your own business!

20. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 4:47PM UTC

    Sorry you went through this, but what does your ordeal have to do with the original poster's issue?

21. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 6:27PM UTC

    And your post? What does this have to do with the original posters situation? Perhaps post your own direct listing here and see what the community might say about it?

22. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 3:29PM UTC

    I am a project administrator and my efficiency depends directly on project managers-- so I understand. If I were in this situation, I would just be very cut and dry, only speak about work, and no more little chats. Hopefully the PM will return to his previous work habits.

23. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 6:25PM UTC

    I would pull him aside and ask him if something you did or said or that someone else did or said offended him. Let him know the value of his support and that you miss the strong collaboration you have with him to do your work. It might just be a misunderstanding that he might have with something someone else said but if you address the elephant in the room then you have the chance to fix what might not be irrevocably broken. Be direct with him and let him know you are sad about this. Perhaps starting with an apology and saying "Hey I am sorry, not sure what happened to our great working relationship, but can we talk directly about what I might need to do to fix this?" In person is best and be sure when you have that conversation that you look him in the eye directly. Age has nothing to do with this IMHO but then again not knowing perceptions there about women/men interactions perhaps you have a suspicion that someone thinks you both crossed the line somehow/way. Good luck.

24. MislynSeptember 12,2023 at 7:08PM UTC

    Just ask I had a very close personal relationship with my boss. People that didn’t know us actually though we were married and coworkers would tease us both about it. Having a personal bond with an employee is not a bad thing of something you should be ashamed of. It just means you have alot in common and are very compatible and work well together. If people think you two are taking it to far and start rumors that’s their problem. I do know 43% of people meet their spouses at work so that makes it look bad in today’s society.

25. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 9:03PM UTC

    Someone might have mentioned to him that it didn't look professional or something.

26. Anna L GarciaSeptember 13,2023 at 2:10AM UTC

    I agree with some of the comments here about pulling him aside. Sometimes communication is the best solution.

    Something like, hey I wanted to talk to you. I have always considered you a great professional colleague and appreciate the support you have always given me, however I feel like something has changed and I want to make sure that we continue to collaborate and work effectively, is there something that I may have missed or done to influence the change. See if he answers directly.

27. Kristie WhiteSeptember 13,2023 at 12:53PM UTC

    I have had a similar relationship with a colleague. We got along so well that I think people around us thought we were having an affair. But I was actually very friendly with his wife as well, we just had a great working relationship that was very easy-going. I would suggest that this colleague may be that kind of person who gets along well with others, and it just looks too friendly. So my advice, instead of pulling him aside, one on one which might also make him uncomfortable, ask him if you can schedule meetings with him, and also include another colleague. if there is someone that you can include in your discussions so that he does not feel like he is alone with you and promoting this rumor he may relax and start to feel like he is counteracting the grapevine rather than feeding it.

28. MislynSeptember 13,2023 at 9:38PM UTC

    I see no reason in including the other colleague. They said what they needed to say. Having a bond with a coworker that blows you off is very hurtful and yes it makes you angry so that other person involved may cause the anger to escalate. Simple say hay what has changed. Did I do something to offend you? I’m guessing if he is truly avoiding you it’s because he did catch feeling for you and now that he’s been called out he’s keeping his distance. I think this should be addressed between you two and you need to figure out how the work relationship is going to go. Other employees don’t need to be involved. If the complaint goes up the ranks maybe then involve the problem starters.

29. Kristie WhiteSeptember 13,2023 at 10:55PM UTC

    You've misunderstood. I am not suggesting include the colleague who may be part of the rumor mill. I am saying involve someone who makes logical sense as a party to all project meetings so projects meetings now consistently involve 3 people instead of just the two of them. This will provide distance and may even increase efficiency and communication.

30. MislynSeptember 25,2023 at 8:46PM UTC

    I’m saying if you work one on one together all the time that shouldn’t change because people think something is going on. Who cares what people think. Your adults you should be able to do whatever and act however and it really is nobody’s business. Let them think what they want. The only people who know what is going on is the two involved. Everyone needs to do their job and mind their business. That’s my point.

31. Kristie WhiteSeptember 29,2023 at 6:49PM UTC

    Business is full of social norms and some of these norms are even HR policies. So yes, you need to care what other people think. You want your business relationships to push you up, give you greater visibility, more responsibility, and greater compensation. If they become deeper friendships, great. But they are business relationships first. Your reputation at work is part of your credibility.

32. AnonymousSeptember 13,2023 at 1:26PM UTC

    Sounds like the older female was/is trying something to discredit you. Jealous, I say. Watch your back.

33. Farah BajwaSeptember 13,2023 at 4:57PM UTC

    Yeah....it could be a few things. Someone jealous or spreading rumors, or he could have realized he developed feelings (it DOES happen) so he backed away.

    I had a work mentor who was 15 years older than me and when his wife found out he had a female mentee she had strong reactions to that. I was so naïve back then but he asked him to do him a favor and call her. I did. remembering back, I chatted innocently, answering all her questions and I remember very clearly hearing her sigh. But she backed off her husband and eventually she and I went on a trip together (first time i met her I was picking her up from the airport in hawaii to spend a week there).

    I've also been in a situation where I got along so well with my manager, and with him we always made sure his door was open when we talked so that anyone could walk in and interrupt. But then the HR manager came to tell us that rumors has started to spread about us and that we should, get this, CLOSE THE DOOR (WHAT??!!)

    My point is people relationships can get weird. sometimes it requires stepping back to stepping back in.

    If you had good, open communication, I'd schedule a meeting with him and ask him. Tell him you noticed some off energy and want to clear the air.

34. AnonymousSeptember 13,2023 at 8:09PM UTC

    If the rumor mill has started, there's not much you can do to stop it. It happened to me early in my career. One guy got jealous because, as a "go-getter" newbie, I got a lot of attention, so I approached him to see what was wrong, and he admitted he was trying to figure out "who you are sleeping with, but I haven't found anybody [yet]." Those are his exact words!!!! The bottom line is if someone thinks something is going on and can't figure out who or what, they assume you are good at keeping it discrete because they can't see any other reason for you getting noticed or acknowledge that you might be doing a better job than they are.

35. Balanced372207September 14,2023 at 6:39PM UTC

    Yep. I used to work with someone who said, "all that we don't know, we invent."

36. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 2:27AM UTC

    This is exactly why I do not pursue relationships at work and I am talking platonic if it is between a man and woman, and I do not try to get along with any one any more, just to make them happy. I do my job, and do what works for me to get through the day. I do not really care much about anyone any;more. I know this may sound very selfish, but the truth is I have worked for nearly 50 years and all I did was put the other person first. I was friendly, and I was taken advantage of and bullied to the extreme, because I am quiet. I ended up doing all the work, everywhere I went, where others goofed off. It didn't take much for someone to get bent out of shape when I felt like I did nothing, or it was something very petty that somebody wanted to blow up out of portion to gain attention. Then I was reported, if you can believe that. So, now at the end of the day, I am done with it. I will be courteous, and if I can do it I will, not expecting them to reciprocate, because they won't. They are all selfish, and that is why I do my job and go home.

37. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 1:34PM UTC

    I could have easily written this, as this is my experience with "friendships" at work.

38. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 9:58PM UTC

    Quite possibly, someone else "teased" him about their perception of the connection between you two and the PM felt he needed to put space there to avoid any further judgment or ribbing from other employees. If you were comfortable with each other before, perhaps you could initiate a brief, private chat, addressing the "elephant in the room" between you. Mention that you appreciated his assistance and guidance in the transition that led to the successful work you now produce. Add that you sense a difference in your work connection that's concerning to you, and assure him that you see no indiscretion between you. No need to elaborate on possible/perceived rumors, unless you feel comfortable doing so, and only in a lighthearted manner. He probably just wants you to sense there is a boundary there, acknowledge it, and go on about your day. We never know what pressures others get from other employees, mentors, or even spouses. It's obvious something switched with him, but you can use professionalism and emotional intelligence to call it out, laugh it off, and maybe diffuse the matter. I hope things get mended and you can continue to have a successful, fulfilling career there.