Big Boss is in a Relationship with...

Anonymous

December 25,2022 at 9:57PM UTC

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Big Boss is in a Relationship with...

Hello and hope everyone is enjoying their holidays.

I work at a small nonprofit with about ~20 employees. It's a place where everyone knows everyone and what's going on in each other's lives. I love working here and like everyone I work with. We happily wrapped up 2022 up until...

Right before we left the office for the holidays, a few colleagues just spilled to me that our big executive boss (male) is in a relationship with another colleague girl, involving physical intimacy. It totally took me by surprise. Their relationship appears secretive and tried to hide it from everyone, albeit unsuccessfully.

A few points below to summarize the whole situation, which I find quite disturbing:

The executive is about 20 years older than the colleague girl
The executive was still married to (ex)wife when their secret affair started
HR is aware of this situation and very unhappy about it, but there's really nothing they could do
This relationship does not appear to directly affect anyone's actual work, but everyone else feels unsettling about how this relationship can potentially lead to favoritism & unjust decisions

So I'm here to seek some advice. At first, I was shocked at how other colleagues could carry on with their everyday work while knowing the whole story. But then, I figured others might have the mindset that if this whole thing blows up one day, it's only going to backfire the two in this relationship (or harshly, in most cases, the woman). At the end of the day, everyone is probably just thinking about doing their jobs and collecting their pay.

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Looking for a changeDecember 25,2022 at 10:02PM UTC
Honestly I’m not sure why the affects you. Stay out of the gossip that never ends well. You can always quit if the personal relationship with a consenting adult bothers you
Rocky ZDecember 26,2022 at 1:48PM UTC
Exactly right
AnonymousDecember 25,2022 at 10:06PM UTC
I like the last sentence that everyone is just doing their job and collecting their pay. I would advise you to do the same unless the situation affects you directly in that it is not allowing you to do your job.
AnonymousDecember 26,2022 at 2:59AM UTC
This is why I go to work and do my job and don’t have outside relationships with co workers. Makes life easier.
AnonymousDecember 25,2022 at 10:13PM UTC
It's no one's business.....they are adults.
AnonymousDecember 25,2022 at 11:26PM UTC
Keep your head down and eyes on your own paper. Not your circus.
AnonymousDecember 28,2022 at 1:45AM UTC
"Eyes on your own paper"
This is just amusing the hell out of me. I haven't read/heard that phrase in a decade (or two), and never in this context. It's got me gleefully snickering like a third grader hearing the tattletale get put in her place. "That's right, mind your own beeswax, Jessica!" Thanks for the giggle.
(This is nostalgic satisfaction remembering that feeling, not about OP.)
Tanika (Nika) Vasquez - (she/her)December 25,2022 at 11:30PM UTC
I understand how you can be shocked at the moral implications of this but I agree with Maryann. I wouldn't spend any more time on this issue. You stated that it is not impacting the business and HR is aware.
Wolfe KylesDecember 26,2022 at 1:50AM UTC
No one's job seems to be affected by this connection, but everyone is uneasy about the possibility of favoritism and unfair judgments being made because of it. https://fairygodboss.com/community-discussion/xCwoVRbqb/color by number
AnonymousDecember 26,2022 at 3:13PM UTC
Don't think for a minute that it isn't impacting anybody. I was in the same situation with a reasonably large corporation, where the CEO was having an affair with one of the senior managers. She was brilliant, so I just ignored it and chose not to engage in the gossip. I did have people who worked for me think that somehow she and I were "best friends" and I would have access to "pillow talk" between her and the CEO. When I refused to acknowledge that I knew about the relationship and was even disgusted by the suggestion, they didn't like it, telling me I was burying my head in the sand. Their relationship stayed "secret" until they got married when she got pregnant. She was eventually promoted to a SVP with lots of scuttlebutt about nepotism. I honestly felt sorry for her because she deserved the promotion.
The bottom line is there is nothing you can do. Until and unless there is an appearance of either positive or negative favoritism, she is the one that will take the brunt of the heat for whatever goes right or wrong in their relationship.
AnonymousDecember 26,2022 at 4:23PM UTC
Sounds like a lot of gossip. Ew. You say that HR knows of the situation, is that because you spoke with HR, and they shared the information with you? If not, you are participating in the gossip, and I would encourage you to stay in your lane. Many employees like to speak on behalf of HR when many times they are creating their own stories. Professional HR teams do not speak to employees about other employees, if they are, that's a big red flag, and I would find somewhere better to spend my time.
AnonymousDecember 26,2022 at 10:22PM UTC
I understand why this news is unsettling, but suggest that you disregard it and concentrate on your work.
The romantic partners are both single people and you note that their relationship has not affected anyone’s work. In addition, the romantic partners have been sufficiently discreet that you did not notice anything out of the ordinary. (Unfortunately, your other colleagues have been less discreet in telling you of the relationship.)
Should the romantic relationship begin to influence the executive’s treatment of other workers, HR can be apprised and can take the appropriate steps.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 10:54AM UTC
I honestly don't see anything wrong in the whole situation. I suggest that you stay out of it. it's no body's business to judge a romantic relationship.
Melissa NobileDecember 27,2022 at 1:12PM UTC
Their relationship is not your issue. Do your job.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 1:18PM UTC
If the colleague is in your line of reports then it absolutely affects you. Nothing would feel like it was awarded in merit. You would be forced to walk on eggshells with that colleague either to pretend it’s not happening or to be ‘nice’.
Keep good notes and watch your back. The same gossip mill can bite you as well. HR will probably need to be involved eventually since they don’t have the good sense to have at least one of them find another job.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 1:23PM UTC
I would put yourself in the woman’s shoes. If the relationship ends, she is probably the only one who will be negatively impacted. Would you really want your coworkers to also be busy gossiping about you? Are you friends with the ex wife or something? I can see where you might think it would affect decision making, and favoritism and all that, but the fact is it has been going on for a while, and no one was the wiser! I would not participate in gossip.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 1:29PM UTC
If you’re not HR, mind your business.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 1:45PM UTC
honestly, I know you say you are concerned but I wouldn’t get involved. Unless it directly affects your working or personal lose. I would leave it. Other people knew before you and it hasn’t stopped therefor just ignore it and move on.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 1:57PM UTC
That is completely unacceptable. Does your nonprofit have a handbook? Do you all have a written policy about relationships? Does your board chair know about this relationship? If not, HR needs to disclose it to the board chair. And for you, I would seriously reconsider working for an executive director who has a critical lack of discernment.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 2:18PM UTC
It’s interesting that you refer to her as a colleague girl. I will assume you meant female colleague. And stay out of it.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 8:20PM UTC
I'm thinking she maybe meant "college" girl???
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 2:19PM UTC
Yes, it is very disturbing and I am shocked HR stated that there is nothing that can be done. However, I would stay out of it. If it doesn't involve you just leave it be. Putting yourself in the middle of drama will not benefit you at all. It will blow up eventually and when it does, you will not be affected in any way.
*Side note: I'm beginning to feel HR is useless after reading so many stories detailing how they do nothing.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 6:58PM UTC
HR is useless and mostly clueless.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 2:27PM UTC
Are you dating this girl? Are you dating this guy? No? Case closed
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 2:28PM UTC
It doesn't impact you, so please mind your own business.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 2:54PM UTC
You indicate the man is no longer married and I assume the woman is not either. Is there anything in your policies that preclude dating a co-worker? You indicate HR while not happy, can’t affect it and that work is still being done.
While this may not be something you feel comfortable with, as long as it doesn’t impact your work, you definitely need to stay removed from it. Don’t meddle in the affairs of others when not asked for your opinion.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 2:55PM UTC
Unless this is forbidden in the employee handbook/code of conduct or the exec's employment contract, and you have proof of this (not just gossip) and want to report it to the nonprofit's Board, there's probably nothing you can do unless it actually turns into something where it actually ends up impacting other employees. Otherwise, your choices are to just ignore it, or look for a new job.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 2:56PM UTC
If it isn’t impacting the environment and joy that everyone has at work then you may have to decide if it’s someone you still want to work for.
Everyone is showing up living life the best they can and trying to find their own joy, happiness, and reason for showing up.
We all have situations that others will look upon and judge but it’s our lives and we have to live them for us. I live a very unconventional life by many societal standards but I love who I am and the life I lead.
they both are consenting adults who will figure this out on their own without your (or anyone else’s judgements and viewpoints). I wouldn’t want to work with the co-workers gossiping more than I wouldn’t want to work for the people living their own lives and figuring it out as they go.
the age gap is of zero concern and everyone has a different set of morals so if it’s against YOUR ethical set of morals - then you should leave. I know many people who met in the workplace and married - why should that be anyone else’s business as long as there is fair treatment to everyone?
Victoria NoltenDecember 27,2022 at 3:08PM UTC
So you listened to and believed some juvenile gossiping and are now clutching your pearls about the moral implications of other people’s alleged behaviors?
Mind your own business. Do your job. If and when there is an actual problem then you can complain to HR or whatever.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 3:30PM UTC
It's hard to trust co-workers that are lying and hiding things. If they'll lie and cheat on their own spouse they have proven to be untrustworthy. how do you trust them at work?
Victoria NoltenDecember 27,2022 at 3:37PM UTC
You know nothing about the situation other than gossip. Do you really want to lose your job that you love based on half truths and assumptions.
because you are getting dragged into a situation that is a powder keg.
does this serve your mission?
again you don’t know anything.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 3:34PM UTC
Well, against popular belief the situation you are describing isn't normal for the work place. While it is human to fall for someone at work - after all we are all spending a huge chung of our lives at work - a situation like this is usually frowned upon and discouraged by the code of ethics and/or code of conduct.
I have been in a similar situation and didn't say anything - in hindsight I wish I had. It sounds like HR is aware of the situation so it seems to be more than just gossip. If they are unwilling to enforce the code of conduct against a manager that's usually a bad sign for the business. Why is there a code of conduct if it doesn't apply to managers ?
Sadly, I have made the experience that US businesses often do not care much for those who report breaches of code of conduct, code of ethics and/or who speak out against bullying so at the end of the day, you have to decide if you want to speak out or hold your tongue and get on with the job.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 3:38PM UTC
This post wreaks of judgement... The reference to the age difference, calling a woman a girl, the assumption that HR is upset (and how would you know if you weren't gossiping with HR which would mean HR is a problem), etc. If HR knows and are unhappy about it but aren't taking action, clearly the two aren't violating any policies. Office romances happen all the time, behind doors and out front for everyone to see. If the two are consenting adults, everyone else need to mind their business, including you. When, where and how only matters to those who aren't. As long as the work environment isn't impacted, the favoritism you assumed may result, hasn't, the work is getting done, and the stakeholders' needs are being met, MIND YOUR BUSINESS. Besides, gossiping about it doesn't make you any more professional than the two employees who have found interest in one another within the workplace.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 4:04PM UTC
This isn't anyone's business except for the 2 consenting adults and HR if needed.
If HR needs to be involved HR will be involved. If done correctly, no one should know specifics regarding this issue.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 4:05PM UTC
Why are you even stepping into the sh*t? Ewe! Injecting yourself into an extra-curricular office situation (that is really none of your business) will end up negatively for you. PERIOD.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 4:21PM UTC
Have your heard the expression "mind your own business"? Everyone at work is nosey and this is none of their business. Whatever your boss and other employees do away from work is their business. Otherwise, you will be stepping into a pile of deep sh""". Do your work and get along with others.
Daniela IancuDecember 27,2022 at 4:31PM UTC
Wow, I'm amazed at the judgemental tone of so many of these responses. I think it sounds like a natural cause for concern. It indicates questionable decision-making on the leader's part. That being said, if HR knows and is working on the situation, getting involved would likely cause more trouble than good.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 4:40PM UTC
It’s a bad look for the company. I wouldn’t want to work where the leadership has questionable decision-making abilities and can’t see how it would affect the company and its employees. This stuff is the nightmares of HR, PR, and BoDs everywhere.
Jennifer TannerDecember 27,2022 at 4:54PM UTC
I try not to listen to rumors, but I also wouldn't be comfortable staying at such a small employer where a top exec was having an affair with a way younger colleague. A 20-year difference plus a massive power differential between a senior manager to underling is a super-bad look. I'd be looking to leave, because that kind of situation will eventually blow up with enough of a blast radius to take out the people around them at work.
Rachel Maneval RodeDecember 27,2022 at 5:31PM UTC
I’ve been where you are but in a business office. The gossip mill was relentless but much of the talk turned out to be true. There were unsavory activities going on. Favoritism was a problem, and some coworkers who voiced concern ended up getting treated badly. (This was 20 years ago, btw. I think it would be a little different now.) I ended up leaving because the environment got so toxic.
That experience taught me a lot: stay clear of the drama, don’t participate in gossip, and just do your job the best you can. It sounds like you’re concerned by the ethics of the situation, and I understand feeling concerned when something isn’t morally right. But you’re only getting yourself involved in drama unnecessarily, and it’s only going to bring you trouble.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 5:40PM UTC
Is it relevant to your work?
Patricia EstabrookDecember 27,2022 at 8:18PM UTC
I think minding your own business is the best course.
AnonymousDecember 27,2022 at 8:31PM UTC
I'd just try to ignore their alleged relationship. Keep your nose to the grindstone & bank as much cash as possible just in case things get ugly...you can then move on to something bigger/better. Who knows, maybe they will ride off into the sunset together sooner than that!
AnonymousDecember 28,2022 at 10:16AM UTC
I’m very surprised at the tone people are taking on this thread. We’re supposed to be empowering and educating other women, not tearing them down - even if you don’t agree.
That said, definitely do not take matters into your own hands. Even if all this information from the grapevine is true (there was an affair, HR not being happy, etc.), it’s already reached who it needs to. HR not doing anything about it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right especially since this is an executive. It’s kind of crazy that people think it’s OK to sweep it under the rug if HR says OK. I agree that there’s something fundamentally wrong with the work culture for this company if HR didn’t check the situation. It’s inappropriate. Period. Favoritism, potential for quid pro quos and harassment. Would you trust someone that puts that kind of (reputation) risk on their business?
Unfortunately, for advice, I would say keep doing your work if it doesn’t directly affect your ability to do your work. If you’re unsatisfied with the work environment, it may be time to start looking elsewhere for work.
AnonymousDecember 28,2022 at 1:30PM UTC
"Because there is an inherent power difference between a boss and an employee, this dynamic can make an employee feel like they have to say yes to a relationship even if they don't want to. " And yes, there is a possibility that this potential toxicity can spill over, particularly when you are in a small team. Sigh. If you are not the HR leader, there is little you can do.....unless this is affecting you, personally. But I would stay wary. Very practical overview of this kind of thing here: https://www.insider.com/boss-affair-can-create-toxic-work-culture-2021-5
E CDecember 28,2022 at 2:36PM UTC
I am surprised it took this long for someone to make this comment. Boss/subordinate relationships are not appropriate and may indeed be coercive. There's not much the OP can do but if no one the organization sees it as a problem, it's time to look elsewhere.
AnonymousDecember 28,2022 at 2:52PM UTC
My advice:
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!!
What 2 consenting adults decide to do is none of your business. Instead of focusing on what " big executive boss" is doing, focus on your work.
danil ishutinDecember 29,2022 at 9:00AM UTC
haha at first this is my comment but as time goes by u can really feel the akwardness and some unfair decisions
AnonymousDecember 28,2022 at 3:16PM UTC
I wouldn't concern myself with this situation. I would continue to do my job to the best of my ability and not participate in the office chatter.
AnonymousDecember 28,2022 at 3:35PM UTC
Leave it alone. In any environment where men and women work together, this is going to happen sooner or later.
surfnwriteDecember 28,2022 at 11:47PM UTC
If both are consenting adults, and as you said, it's not affecting anyone's work, it's not anybody's business and people need to keep their moral judgments to themselves.
AnonymousDecember 29,2022 at 8:59AM UTC
am on the same situation and its really unfair i should say
AnonymousDecember 29,2022 at 7:04PM UTC
2 people )both consenting adults) being happy is "unfair" to you how? It seems you're jealous that 2 people have found each other (for whatever reason). Physical attraction doesn't discriminate where and when it happens.
AnonymousDecember 30,2022 at 8:08PM UTC
[NOT previous poster in this reply thread] When one of the "consenting adults" is a boss, and the other is a subordinate, even if the attraction is "real" [whatever that means], it sets the subordinate up for coercion and the rest of the staff for feeling that there is favoritism (whether it exists or not). Too often, the subordinate gets less than they deserve just to counter the illusion of favoritism. I have worked for husband and wife teams before, and this has always been the case.
surfnwriteDecember 31,2022 at 7:01PM UTC
Nepotism usually refers to family. I don't see evidence of a familial relationship.
AnonymousDecember 31,2022 at 7:17PM UTC
The word is cronyism. That’s the nepotism of friends.
AnonymousDecember 31,2022 at 8:12PM UTC
Hello again, original post writer here.
Thank you for those who’ve offered helpful feedback. In response to some other comments, here are a few supplemental facts:
- In response to those saying I’m joining the gossips: there was no gossiping around this matter. A few years back, executive’s (then) wife stormed into the office, looking for the person his husband is in a relationship with. Those who told me about this situation saw everything happening before their eyes
- Even though this situation shouldn’t affect anyone’s actual work, but it can. If the “lady girlfriend” gets invited to meetings with important decisions, which is not related to her role or areas of service; or if the executive tends to go easy on whoever violates work procedures but is a close buddy with the girlfriend… for those who claim that their mutual attraction is a natural part of human being, then biased decision & nepotism definitely count as natural human reaction
- I’m not sure why some felt it was necessary to shout (over text): MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. I never planned to snoop in on anyone or play this affair scenario over and over in my head. I wrote this to seek advice from those who went through similar situations
- Again, like the rest of my colleagues, I know my bottom line is to complete my job duties and be responsible for our own actions
AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 2:50AM UTC
Thanks for all of the supplemental information. I've been involved in a similar situation. It doesn't change my opinion that you should mind your own business. You shouldn't act or think about anything until it impacts YOU. Now when you're looked over for a promo because his girlfriend got it or her preferential treatment is negatively impacting you that's when you say something but until then keep your head down and focus on you....