Could use some advice from other women who've experienced this!

Anonymous

March 8,2024 at 6:47PM UTC

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Could use some advice from other women who've experienced this!

So, a little context. I recently left a position that I loved. My boss left in the middle of last year and I was considered to take his position. While they were hiring for the position, I served as the "interim director" for the organization. It was a small organization that was run by a board of directors and had heavy influence from outside groups. I found out via an email that I wasn't supposed to see that the board of directors did not think I was qualified for the director position, even though I was the "interim". They ended up hiring someone else who was a male who had little experience in the industry who I believed was a political hire. When he came on board he could barely use the computer.

He treated me (after I served as the interim) like I was not competent, and called me a little girl and questioned the sustainability of my position at that company. On top of it all, he harassed me. It was a small organization, so I didn't really have someone to report it to. The experience was demoralizing, and I've been struggling emotionally as it was the first time I'd experienced this all at the same time.

I have now moved to a different organization, but I still have to work with him in various settings and he is now pretending I didn't even work for the organization, many times while I'm in the room. I presented at an event he was at, and he pretended I was not even there. His ego is very large for someone who doesn't know the industry, and people are giving him respect and listening him because of his position. I talked to my new boss about this, and she told me that it all takes time to recover. But, how do I deal with this in the meantime? I am very out of my depth.

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AnonymousMarch 8,2024 at 6:54PM UTC
I'd put no emotion into it. Easier said than done, I know. I'd simply do the required and check out after
A true sign of nepotism
AnonymousMarch 8,2024 at 7:09PM UTC
Just a quick comment here...where did I miss the nepotism at play?
AnonymousMarch 8,2024 at 7:07PM UTC
You are a professional and actively work to develop your skills and not focus on other people.
He has no power over you and only has weight if you give it to him. Avoid him when you can and ignore him in general.
How you deal with this is you focus on your network in your industry and you don't invest in watching his behavior, listening to his rhetoric and talking about him. You develop distance from the past by not fueling it.
AnonymousMarch 8,2024 at 7:08PM UTC
If he is going to act like you aren't there, then you do the same. Ignore him. Do not let him get under your skin. Maybe even seek therapy. In what capacity are you required to work with him? Don't give him the warm fuzzies, be cordial and professional, correct him if something comes up where he denies you worked together. Correct him if he tries to belittle you. In other words, stand up for yourself (easier said than done, I know, but it can be done).
AnonymousMarch 9,2024 at 2:39PM UTC
PTSD after surviving a toxic work environment is very normal. Your ability to trust others in a work environment is diminished and getting it back takes time and for some, it never completely comes back. Give yourself some grace and if you feel like you need it, get some counseling. You are never going to get validation, or whatever it is you're seeking from the man who is haunting you. I would give up that ghost. If he's ignoring your presence when you're at the same public event, you really don't have to respond at all, and what a blessing to be able to ignore him - often in these situations that person will actively badmouth and try to undermine you with others. You're getting off easy that he's not trying to destroy your credibility among your peers - if that's any consulation.
AnonymousMarch 9,2024 at 3:21PM UTC
Good for you for getting out of there and not tolerating that crap! Moving forward there is literally nothing you can do about him. Just focus on being your best self. Improving your own situation and maybe at some point you’ll never have to see him at all. In the mean time faje til you maye it and never let him see you sweat. Smile. Laugh. Act like he’s not even there. Give him ZERO POWER!
AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 3:12PM UTC
Trust me, you’re not the only one who has experienced this with this guy. Agree w the other comments - no more mention to you boss, don’t dwell in public. Show leadership by being the best person you are.
AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 6:09PM UTC
You are definitely not out of your depth. Pull him aside (yes, do this) tell him that you congratulate him on getting his role but his disrespect openly of you and your credibility and experience is being noticed by others and that you would not want that to affect his success. Then retreat. This should stop his behavior. If he asks you what might have been said by others decline to state and let him know that your discretion is because you want to protect him from anyone bullying or questioning him. That should do it.
This may seem odd but often calling someone out through this "gaslighting" technique makes the person realize what an oaf they are. As for your manager she truly needs a lesson in how to support her employees. She could use a talking to. I am not sure she is the right new person to guide your existence if that was her commentary.
As for your not being qualified for the Director role, that might have been true because they wanted to bring in someone new and someone whose behavior was more like his. Consider it a blessing in disguise if you would have had to do what he is doing. Take stock in your role there and think about whether this is continuing to be the right place for you and your growth as a professional, it just might not be as they don't deserve you.
AnonymousMarch 11,2024 at 8:05PM UTC
Totally agree it 99% politics or favoritism!
AnonymousMarch 13,2024 at 1:40PM UTC
First, count your blessings. You are in a better place with a new boss who seems to rock. The fact that you could go to your new boss and explain the situation without judgement from them is fantastic. Also, reflect on the fact that you do not have to deal with this person as your supervisor and on a daily basis anymore. Incompetent people can only pretend to be competent for so long. He will reap what he is sowing. You have already reaped a new job and a great boss. Reflect on the positive.