In my previous company, during harassment training, we had to have the attorney do an entire section on appropriate discomfort vs. inappropriate discomfort; how being appropriately assertive does not make you a bully; How appropriately delivered constructive feedback is not harassment, nor does it create a toxic work environment. I am an HR Director.
I had a situation once where a new finance employee was hired right out of college. She had been with the company almost a year, so she wasn't brand new. Her manager, the CFO asked her to complete some very important worksheets for the board of directors report prior to leaving for the day on Friday. She had over a week to complete this. On Friday, at noon, she just left (no scheduled PTO), and 3 hours later posted pictures on social media of her at the beach at a tiki bar. The worksheets were not done, by a long shot. On Monday, he went over to her desk, upset. Her desk was right outside my office, so I heard the entire encounter. He told her he was really upset that 1) she didn't finish the worksheets, 2) that she left without telling anyone. He was calm and relayed his message appropriately, and told her he was writing her up. There were no other employees around at this time of the morning other than me. Within a minute of him leaving her desk, she came into my office crying. She said the CFO towered over her desk, bullied and yelled at her and made her feel uncomfortable and she wanted to file a harassment complaint against him. She went on to say that she should never have to feel uncomfortable at work and that he just created a toxic environment for her. She perceived what I had witnessed completely differently than I had. He did stand at her desk and towered over her because he was 6'6" tall. He towers over every desk and has to duck to get through doorways. He did not yell at her. In fact, his voice was kind and soft when delivering his message. He did not harass her. If he made her feel uncomfortable, it was because she was being confronted about not completing a project with a strict deadline while ducking out of the office without telling anyone and going to the beach. That is appropriate discomfort. When I explained all of this to her, and that she is being written up because of her actions, not because of her manager's overreactions, she filed a complaint against me with the VP of HR for perpetuating a toxic work environment.
I shared this example because it's a perfect example of two completely different perspectives on the same event. In this case, we did not find it necessary to discipline the CFO. The employee was extremely emotional about the entire event. She badmouthed the CFO to other employees every chance she got, only sharing her perspective, and leaving out how she didn't complete her project and left without telling anyone. In the end, she had an emotional outburst after being written up and quit on the spot. We fought her unemployment claim and won.
Had I not witnessed their interaction, it would have been a he said/she said situation, and we would have done a thorough investigation. Sometimes, people just don't gel. Sometimes, it is toxic. Sometimes, it is harassment. Sometimes, 2 people see the same event completely differently. If an employee wants to improve the company they're leaving behind, be honest in an exit interview. If you just want to be heard, be honest in an exit interview. If you don't care, then you don't have to say anything. It's that easy.
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